Gabriella's Daily Diary

Day 174

Date: 9.3.22
Joke: idk
Quote: "my whole world has ended" - Emily by New Rules

Summary:
Okay today was really all over the place and I could barely hear myself think and knowing me that's gonna lead to a mental breakdown as I'm writing this.

So this morning I made sure everyone got to school and Virgil was fed and all that stuff as well as got myself ready. Then I went to school where I got through it barely- it got super chaotic and I was overwhelmed for a little while but somehow I got it under control temporarily. And it came back after climbing but that's alright.

But yeah after school I had climbing. Which was s u p e r unproductive... and it doesn't help that I was injured too... kinda ruined my willpower today. Whatever. We just had to do two day flashes and then projected on ropes the whole time with workout at the end. But I mainly did lots of jamming to music and yeah. Not my best but it was kinda fun either way.

Then I got home and had some random rage at our fricken back door! The doorknob is warped so it sometimes will let you open it and sometimes not, and I kid you not, I literally was trying for 5 minutes straight to open the dang door and then I got rage and kicked it and it finally opened! Then I was just super pissed at everything for a while but cooled down super easily... I think it's hormones but was a very random experience.

I've kinda chilled all evening though I had stuff I had to do... probably should have done it buttttt whatever, I'll be alright.

Dude B has been so weird at practice... sometimes he'll be nice and approachable and it will be similar to before I blew up at him, but then other times he won't even make freaking eye contact and will avoid me completely- all within the same practice... I mean I get that he's hurt kinda and I'm concerned just like, hmmm, okay? Idk, confusing but I'm just gonna keep like checking on him through text with no responses, and being there either way. Cause it's good to be there.

I literally thought today was Friday then I remembered it was Wednesday and it kinda ruined my day but whatever.

Bro i need to talk to myself cause I want to. I'm just gonna jot down random things that pop into my mind cause i need to.

I've been saying whatever a lot and it's probably not a good thing. It's fine though cause I'll be fine and it's whatever anyways

But it's not whatever! It obviously matters enough to be brought up! So stop saying it!

But I can't just complain? Like I do enough of that!

So then keep your mouth shut! You don't have to voice all your pains! They probably don't care about them anyways

Don't say that! I'm sure they care!

Nope. I know E does but I doubt anyone else does, or at least cares on a mild level.

Still it's too much so quit it. Yeah prob a good idea, let's do that.

*end*

Oooh I remembered something- K quit Climbing Team today... not surprising and it was a big deal I guess and everyone gave hugs and stuff to her but is it bad that I actually don't care? Like I have noticed she has no effort or try power when climbing like ever so it's only fair she's not a part of it anymore- no offense to her but team should only be for people who want to actually train and try. Like I get you were figuring out you didn't like it and good for you to do what's best for you but still... I don't care what you do- it'd obviously be different if it was a closer team member and K and I just weren't that close at all. Never really got along with her... but that's ok.

And today at school the girl M that I tried cutting off as a friend keeps finding ways to push me and get back into my attention and it's been harmful to my mental well-being because no matter what I do, she's always there either making fun of it, questioning it, assaulting me about the choices I make, or just being passive aggressive. I have not heard a word that hasn't had any positive meaning behind it come out of her mouth for way too long of a time. And I keep trying to push her out but she keeps forcing her way back in. at this point I just keep telling myself that I have to get through this year, only like 45 days of school left... I have to make it! And in my other classes I can avoid her actively. I've found some more good school friends that are amazing and it's super fun hanging with them. It's just not good for me. Literally today in APHuG she was trying to find a new sport for me that I don't already do or have tried... I've tried or still do most of the things she had listed. But she hated on the literal best part of my life climbing, and it hurt a lot. She was trying to find a replacement for it because it didn't "meet her standards and wasn't good enough" 😭 and it just hurt. And h the tears are real now. And she brought it in front of the whole class too- like asked when everyone could hear what sport I should do. And I just fucking hate when people try to plan out my future or like say "I think you will do this or I can see you doing this" like I don't fucking care what you think! I'm gonna do whatever the hell i want! So basically they're just being mean at that point and it hurts. She literally hated on my entire plan... from climbing until the end of my life to living in a van to going abroad for Uni.... And it literally hurts. So fucking much. She is hurting the very core of my passions and it is n o t good. Yeah I hate her.

K we're moving on from that cause it's not good I keep dwelling on it either. I'm gonna head to bed.

Thanks for reading!
Love you guys <3

Ps don't die 🙃