Date: 20.1.22 Joke: Light doesn't have any mass. If it did, it would be called heavy!
Quote: "What if I fall?' 'Oh Darling, but what if you fly?'" - anonymous
"Somehow Someway It will all Be okay" -poem by me
Summary: So this is gonna be long.... Some big things happened today. I'm gonna start at the beginning. I was up at like 8, laid in bed for a while and finally finished The Toll!! In doing so, i finished the scythe series! I'm so sad it's over, but it ends on a bittersweet note, which are some of the best endings in my opinion. But yeah, I'm glad Rowan and citra can be together, although not in the same way. Then I watched the live "q&a" for light switch, and the Mv premiere. I don't understand the mv at all... doesn't seem related to the song too much, idk just kinda strange. Then I revised maths and for ready for my test on probability. I took a shower then took the test. It was a painful experience cause I overthink the things with probability. But I got a 100! I'm super happy with it! Then I took notes on the next weeks worth of material, which is analytical geometry and an actual intro to calculus which looks awesome. I messed around on the piano for a little while as well. My voice today was very smooth and flexible which was strange but fascinating at the same time. So yeah. Then I helped my bro work on yet another Lego set, this one of a F150 raptor. It's super cool now that we've finished it! But about halfway through working on it with him, I got a text from B. And it made me start hyperventilating. So I had to rush out of the house. I took Virgil on a walk as an excuse but my parents were still kinda suspicious. I also had to call E as soon as I could, cause she helps calm me down. So I walked in the snow and cold for a solid hour before I finally calmed down decently. This was the text that triggered it:
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And I didn't want to out myself cause I didn't really trust him that much yet, but i didn't know how to respond and I just was freaking out. Idk why it was such a violent reaction, it literally felt like the beginnings of a panic attack, which is why it scared me. But E helped calm me down. And then I delved into building Legos again. But internally I was still shooken. Then I retreated to my bedroom and watched yt and looked at ace/aro memes on wp, cause why not. Then my brain came to the conclusion that I should tell him. That I trust him enough. And it would be okay. And it would be better. Cause I ended up like ghosting him all afternoon cause I didn't know how to respond and I he got worried abt me. So I did it. I officially came out to B. It wasn't much easier than doing it with E, but yeah. I did it. Before he texted back, E offered to call me while I wait to help calm me down cause I was like actually kinda on the edge of a panic attack... so we called and I paced and just kinda having her presence there was nice. It helped a little bit. But I paced until he responded. Here's what I sent to him, I just took my poem and stuff from coming out to E and tweaked it a bit.
"Hey B! Sooo i kinda need to tell you something... and sorry your earlier text kinda threw me for a loop. I hope this doesn't make anything weird because I trust you completely. I hope that isn't scary to you either. You're the closest guy friend I've ever had, which says a lot. I have only done this once before so I hope I do it right. Remember, you're an amazing friend, and I hope you still like me for me after this. Also, please make sure you are in private while you read this because it's something I want to keep between us. I'm really bad at explaining things in words so I wrote a poem.
LGBTQIA+ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, Asexual, and more I know they stand for more than just those, but that is the common names, You may not know this but I have hidden for long enough Nobody else knows this And I'm not happy with that People hidden like me are "in the closet" But I'm not in the closet. I'm in the deck.
The world is full of people Just People Remember that.
We live in a world where Teenagers idolize people who look good They want these strangers to have s*x with them And I don't get it I don't understand it
I respect the idea that a true happy couple can fully trust each other to be as close as humanly possible But I can't ever see it Never. Why would you? Yes, it supposedly feels good, Yes, you get babies But it's just straight up weird to me
I never want to do it with anyone, ever Not by choice. I have no connection to it. At one point a person described it like this, "I feel like I'm surrounded by a huge feast with everything I could ever want. But I'm not hungry."
This is a weird topic That I needed to address Before it made me mental Cause I know it will It is slowly happening No one can see it though Not unless I show them And I'm choosing to show you
And I need to address another part of my identity too One I knew about but couldn't name But it deserves to be known
You know how there are so many movies out there with romantic plot lines? I feel nothing about the romance, it doesn't work. I admire it and, am a hopeless romantic in works of fiction, but I just don't want it in real life. I have no desire to kiss someone, or be in a relationship that is purely romantic. I'd say I'm sorry but I'm not. Sorry wastes time. It's just me.
This is where the lines get blurred Because I lack the power of distinguishing I have less powerful guidelines That I have to follow Which makes my friendships so much more pure
They're from love, just love, Same as any other, I like to believe stronger With each other Through the highs And the lows
And now it comes to light
B(Full Name), I trust you with all of my heart and soul. I am coming out to you as asexual and aromantic.
I hope you still love me and will be friends with me, cause I have known this fact since quarantine basically, and I am still just Gabriella. If you need time to process, I understand that as well.
I also ask that you please keep this between you and me. I am not very confident my parents are supportive, and I would like to avoid any further spreading of this topic as I am not ready. I hope you understand.
I know this is a lot of information, and I will leave you be to process this. I also know this is an odd topic to bring up but I couldn't keep it secret anymore. I love you and thank you for all your support so far! I hope it doesn't have to end!"
So I sent that and paced and freaked out over the phone with E until he texted back. And he ended up saying, "I'll still support you and all your decisions. I'm just happy to know that you're still my friend (Thank you)"
I was still kinda stressed cause I couldn't believe it. E was reassuring me it would be okay too. And I literally just was so overwhelmed with emotion I almost started crying and laughing and just all over the place. But I just love my friends with everything I have. I don't know what I'd do without them. Literally. I would actually probably be dead. I'm not even joking about that. But eventually I got myself together and somehow figured out a way to be okay. And I ate something quickly cause I havent had like anything today, and im headed to bed now. Content, I'd say.
E and I exist in our own world where nothing makes sense but everything makes sense. It's beautiful, and I want to share it with people but for now im savoring it. E told me that she had a feeling that someday it will be good. We will be a trio of friends ready to face the world. I think it will be okay. I know it will be okay.
It's been a roller coaster of a day, but I'm happy now. I'm glad it ended well. I'm just sooo grateful for my friends and the family I've found.
I know this is long so I thank you for reading it! Love you guys <3
