Gabriella's Daily Diary

Day 50 🎉

Date: 6.11.21

Joke: What do you call two monkeys that share the same Amazon account? Prime mates!

Quote: "Told me secrets you ain't wanna, Trust is big for you, That's why I'm keeping it a hunna,  Crazy vulnerable sh*t in common" - Between Us by Little Mix

Summary:
Today was amazing!! But I'm crying now which is just perfect 😭

Just when I was feeling confident in my identity my friends and family has to tear it down again. Don't get me wrong, I love them so much, but sometimes their actions hit me in my weak spots. I'll tell you about it later.

So this morning I was up early so I could go outdoor climbing today. I rode with E and B which was super fun. We sang a whole bunch of different songs on the way there. Then I climbed quite a few climbs as well. I almost got to the top of a V4, halfway up 2 V5s and super close to the top of a V3. I'm pretty proud of myself. It was also like the perfect temperature and the leaves were super pretty too! I ended up ripping a little slit of skin off on my pointer finger which isn't super comfortable, but whatever. I literally have no skin left. By the end, when I was trying climbs I literally couldn't feel three of my fingers whatsoever. Still have iffy feeling in them. Then after spending a solid 7 hours there, we came back home. We listened to music and did would you rather. And we talked as well. Turns out, E is obsessed with something called ineagrams. She had me take a test to figure out which one I am. I haven't finished it yet. Probably never will.

See, I decided a couple years ago that I hated personality tests with a passion, like a huge passion, like sends me to tears hate. They put people into personality boxes that they don't fit in completely. I hate it so much because it makes you look like someone you aren't. I just hate it. And the inneagram test asks questions about my emotions and how I feel about myself. Couldn't handle it so I stopped. When I start considering my emotions, I get deep thoughts and I try to avoid those now.

I also realized that i put a lot of pressure on myself. And I understand why but it's getting to be a lot. Tonight when I got back, my parents were trying to plan a trip for this fall and asked me if i would be okay missing 2 days of school for it. I said I'd probably be okay if I didn't have any tests or such, and when I left to check my teachers calendars of what we are leaning, my dad said, "why is it so hard to miss two days? It's only 2 days" then my mom said, "you do want her to do well in school, don't you? She puts a lot of pressure on herself to get good grades." Then my dad responded with, "yeah,but she's doing fine now. Two days won't change that" and it hurt me. I can't miss too much school cause it's important to me. And it just hurts.

Then they were talking about on the trip, they wanted to drop me and my bro's at my uncle's house for a few days so they can have a break from us. Thing is, I don't know if I can take care of my bro's without them. Then I was thinking about just skipping the trip completely and i know my brother would not survived taking care of the youngest brothet at all. He would be dropped in the deep end. Can't let that happen. Need to protect him.

So yeah I've been crying a lot through this while entry cause I've lost all confidence in my identity now. I give up now.

I'm gonna end this cause I'm falling asleep and I need to cry this out and maybe I'll talk about today some more tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!
Love you <3

Ps don't die 🙃