Gabriella's Daily Diary

Day 91

Date: 16.12.21
Joke: idk stupid time limits - Why did the car run into your house? It wanted to crash at your place tonight!
Quote: "Can't help but wonder if I'm good enough, I just don't think that I am good enough" - Good Enough from A Week Away on Netflix

Summary:
So quite a bit happened today. I had the last half day of school before winter break! So im free now! It went fine. Got a 93 on my English midterm, and then kinda wasted the last hour and half of school. I brought my Eiffel Tower home. And then I watched Ron's Gone Wrong on Disney+!! It's sooo good!!! really well done movie. And then I took my math test and got a 100!! Then we all kinda chilled and did our own thing until my family started watching matrix 1 again, so I had to join them cause it was a masterpiece and then E came to my house to drop off my Christmas present. It was a super soft plushy white tiger!!! I named them Bennett! They have made my day much better. So then E and I talked for a while and then my mom came out of the house (we were talking in the driveway) and her mom got out of the car, and we all kinda chatted for a while about climbing and stuff, and just winter break plans and stuff. And throughout our talking I'm holding E's hand which isn't abnormal for us, we do it all the time! It's just a way to show how close we are. But my mom definitely noticed it... so yeah I had tons of fun hanging with ellie for like the 20 min we were out there. And then they had to leave and it was an okay goodbye cause I get to see her again on Saturday at the comp!!

But basically once they left my mom sat me down to have that chat. She was like, I'd like you to explain your dynamic with E because I'm getting very confusing signals and "I feel like we haven't talked about this sort of thing in a while" and so I was kinda laughing and giggling the whole time cause ya know, I am just super comfortable around e and we're really really close. And so I told her we are just best friends, super duper close, but we don't have any romantic feeling for each other. It's completely platonic. And of course, she was like "well you know I love you no matter what, butttttt" and then my bros interrupted the speech which I was kinda grateful for. And I'm not gonna out myself, like dude, chill.

So then I got pt 2 once my bros were in bed. She was basically like, "I have more thoughts for you. From what I've heard from my other mom friends, in middle school, kids have started labeling themselves as bi or trans or lesbian just to fit in, and it seems very weird and wrong to me." So at this point I was like... yeah you don't really support love do you. And then she went on a whole rant where "I love you lots and I understand that labeling can help with determining your identity and I know there's a whole range of emotions that can be felt and they can be hard to discern from each other. I just want to let you know that you're gonna experience wayy more in your life than what you are now, and I just don't like the idea of you labeling yourself now because you're too young to know." This is about where I lost it mentally. Like excuse me? Yeah I'm young and I get that it's a spectrum and I know! But still, if I'm born this way, I can identify it and realize it! But yes I know it's a spectrum and I have started learning how to differentiate feelings like that. She was just worried and was like "well sometimes people get mixed signals and it could send the wrong messages to people, I just want you to be careful" so I was like yeah, I will be, I get it.

Me and e have talked about our dynamic lots. It is purely platonic and we are just comfortable doing things that some couples may do. And we have recognized what we do, like holding hands, may send mixed signals but why should others care what our relationship is? Like we know how much we love each other and are there for each other, and that works!

Overall I think I sent my mom weird signs during the chat. I almost almost outed myself but then chose not to when she started saying you're too young and kids do it to feel cool and stuff. I was not okay with it. And she also said, "you know i love you no matter what, and I get it's a spectrum but you know sometimes it's good to have a break cause a lot of platonic feelings can become romantic" and I literally almost was like "yep! Did tons of research on that! And guess what?!? I'm ____!" But didn't. Can't trust her. She also said "you know you can come talk to me about anything right?" And I was like yeah, just relationships haven't been at the top of my priority list right now. But no, I can't go to her. Because she has never had as close of a relationship as me and E and she isn't a teen living in todays world. And she is biased and not as accepting as I think she wants to be. Just an interesting talk for tonight.

She also told me tomorrow she's probably gonna take us to see the new Spider-Man!!!!! It will be epiccc!!!

I'm just so happy right now. I love E so much and ever since she got me out of a panic attack I literally trust her with every fiber of my being. And I'm very open with her about it too.

Thanks for reading!
Love you guys <3

Ps don't die 🙃