Gabriella's Daily Diary

Day 45

Date: 1.11.21

Joke: To the person who discovered 0, thanks for nothing!

Quote: "Somewhere over the rainbow, Bluebirds fly, And the dreams that you dream of, Dreams really do come true" - Over the Rainbow covered by Harry Styles (can someone pls put this on Spotify!!)

Summary:
I have to say today wasn't too great. It was a real struggle to wake up this morning. Then I had school which was super duper boring and we didn't learn anything new. Then I had climbing practice. My day was going pretty good until then.

I got to climbing with a whole bunch of energy cause I'm always excited to climb. Then I saw that my favorite coaches, the actually good coaches, weren't there. And we were doing the same thing we have done for the last like 2 months. We project then do a 4 by 4 (four climbs each four times). While warming up, I didn't have any coordination which was confusing for me. I thought it was just one of those days where my brain couldn't compensate for the amount of energy I had. Nope. Then I couldn't remember what had happened 5 minutes before or anything that had happened during my day. It scared me. Projecting was a failure. Didn't even get the first move of the climb and it wasn't even that hard. Then during the four by four I was getting super nauseous and I felt like I was gonna faint and vomit at the same time. Then I just couldn't focus on anything. I didn't even try on the climbs or anything cause I wasn't feeling good at all. Then at the end, i asked friend E for a hug and she gave me the best hug I've had in a while. She asked what was wrong and when I was saying I was feeling overwhelmed, i almost started crying. But I kept it together cause I wouldn't mind her seeing me cry but I didn't want the others at the gym seeing it. She has been texting with me and i love her so much. She is truly there for me. So I had my mom pick me up right after practice instead of staying after like usual. And I explained the whole situation to her and started legitimately crying in the car.

I cried all the way home and then I watched Harryween night 2 highlights and it helped for a while. Then I took a super relaxing shower, and got ready for real bed. Now I'm snuggled up in my fuzzy blanket with Froggie, my emotional support stuffed animal. still crying. I am just an emotional mess. And I don't feel good physically ever.

I hate feeling like this. It's so vulnerable and I hate being vulnerable that's why I'm so sarcastic and joking. I joke about all the things I'm legitimately concerned about. Nobody ever catches on though. I'm scared of dying. I know everyone dies someday but I just am afraid I won't be satisfied with my life when I do die. I am being really deep right now.

This is what I'm gonna do. My friend E's friend starts blocking texts at 9.30 it's 9.45 now. (It's her parents restrictions not hers) I'm gonna come out to her. I'm gonna write a poem here and use it. I thought it would be cool to share. I'm literally just coming up with this.
This is what I want the text to be:

Hey E! I know it's late, and I know you won't see this or respond till morning but I couldn't do this any other way. I hope this doesn't make anything weird because I trust you completely. I hope that isn't scary to you either. You're the closest friend I've ever had, which says a lot. I have never done this before so I hope I do it right. Remember, I love you, and I hope you still love me for me after this. Also, please make sure you are in private while you read this because it's something I want to keep between us. I'm really bad at explaining things in words so I wrote a poem.

LGBTQIA+
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, Asexual, and more
I know they stand for more than just those, but that is the common names,
You may not know this but
I have hidden for long enough
Nobody else knows this
And I'm not happy with that
People hidden like me are "in the closet"
But I'm not in the closet.
I'm in the deck.

The world is full of people
Just People
Remember that.

We live in a world where
Teenagers idolize people who look good
They want these strangers to have s*x with them
And I don't get it
I don't understand it

I respect the idea that a true happy couple can fully trust each other to be as close as humanly possible
But I can't ever see it
Never.
Why would you?
Yes, it supposedly feels good,
Yes, you get babies
But it's just straight up weird to me

I never want to do it with anyone, ever
Not by choice. I have no connection to it.
At one point a person described it like this, "I feel like I'm surrounded by a huge feast with everything I could ever want. But I'm not hungry."

This is a weird topic
That I needed to address
Before it made me mental
Cause I know it will
It is slowly happening
No one can see it though
Not unless I show them
And I'm choosing to show you

E (full name), I trust you with all of my heart and soul. I am coming out to you as asexual.

I hope you still love me and will be friends with me, cause I have known this fact since quarantine basically, and I am still just Gabriella. If you need time to process, I understand that as well.

I also ask that you please keep this between you and me. I am not very confident my parents are supportive, and I would like to avoid any further spreading of this topic as I am not ready. I hope you understand. I do give you permission to secretly tell lamby and ducky though ;)

I know this is a lot of information, and I will leave you be to process this. I also know this is an odd topic to bring up but I couldn't keep it secret anymore. I love you and thank you for all your support so far! I hope it doesn't have to end!

Good night! Sleep well! Love you with my whole heart and more <3

What do you guys think of that? I think it's pretty good. Now just the courage to send it... let's do this before I back out. It's 10.00 on Monday, 1.11.21 and it has been sent. I am now relieved and stressed at the same time. I trust her and love her so I know I shouldn't be too worried. I guess we'll see. And I'll keep you guys updated too!

That has to be everything cause I need my sleep from all this emotional trauma and such so love you guys <3
Thanks for reading!

Ps don't die 🙃😭

Pps- clownrry is amazayn! Toxic+medicine is Heaven!