Date: 18.1.22 Joke: What has a head and a tail but isn't an animal? A penny!
Quote: "You're full of love, and wild and free, chasin every dream and possibility, you're more than I could ever be" - CHICKEN TENDIES by Clinton Kane
"Cause you deserve the world times two, And our simple Sunday afternoons, I hope he's home for you even though I had to lose you, for you to find who fills your heart, even if I'm not the one you choose" - CHICKEN TENDIES by Clinton Kane
Summary: Why are emotions so hard. Whatever, I'm on the verge of tears or a panic attack but let's get through this first.
So I was up a 12 noon.... Cause my mom woke me up... very strange I've never slept that long... and yeah, kinda worried abt that but ya know. So I got up and showered, and was ready for the day. I switched the laundry over then got to call E. We chatted while I ate breakfast and made this sign to put on my door:
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Then I got to go climbing, and we literally arrived at the same time. Which was super convenient and fun. Then, we climbed, just kinda messed around projecting in the Boulder for like an hour or so, then we went up and did tension board for a while, just trying a whole bunch of stuff as well. Then we did a super intense ab workout. It was fun, we got to listen to music with the lights off and the tension board lights on and it was super fun! I love E so much. Then once A left (cause she came too) it became kinda emotional. So I'm gonna kinda rant about that in a sec, cause for some reason it's still bothering me. I'm literally just trying to avoid the incoming panic attack.. keep writing G, you've got this. So once I got home I had to join my math call, which I did pretty good with, but not the best... we'll have to see how this test goes. Itll be interesting. Then I sat and talked with my grandparents with my parents, it was nice catching up with them. Then I built some cool stuff with dominoes my brothers found. And now I'm in bed.
Now the emotional part... hooray. So you know how E and B were dating officially, like starting Saturday or whatever. So yesterday... B broke up with her, in the best way possible. He just said he wasn't ready for a relationship and needed to rethink it. Which was the best way to end it, cause it spared everyone's feelings the most that it could. And I think I'm kinda the cause of it all, even though I promised E I wouldn't blame myself. I am. So yesterday skiing B was very open and super fun to hang out with and just be around and I just had so much fun with him! And at this pt I can kinda tell when people have crushes on me cause I just can read dudes like that... and it happens a lot. But yeah I got some vibes from him that he wanted to be more than friends which was suspicious cause once we had gotten home from skiing, he broke up with her. So that was odd for me. Then at climbing, E was kinda overthinking it and getting somewhat overwhelmed with it, as it goes with any breakup. So I was comforting her hugging her and just being there for her, to try and make it better. "That's what lovers do, they give their strength to the other even when they are running low themselves." - 17Black. So we got it somewhat in control and yeah. Basically it got started cause B texted me first, instead of responding to a text E had sent to him 10 min earlier. And I thought it was odd. So it started E's overthinking, which makes sense. So I comforted her until I had to go. Then while I'm on my math call I had to let B know that I didn't want a relationship of any kind. Just kinda out of the blue. Partially to reassure E but also to keep me sane. Obviously didn't work all the way. But yeah, then he was feeling bad and just yeah... so I opened up to him cause I had hurt him, and he opened up too. relationships stem from vulnerability - Harry styles. So now I was comforting him cause he thought he "was just any other guy" cause I had said that I had to say I didn't want a relationship with many other guys. So yeah I was saying he was much better cause he is. It's so much more fun to hang out with him. I love him (platonically) I wish I didn't have to clarify that. So I'm not. I love him, he's just amazing. And I was also trying to comfort E cause she's overthinking it, and just rationally trying to figure out how his emotions changed so fast, cause she thought he really liked her, and it sounded like he did, but it changed too quickly. But yeah, I have been trying to comfort both peoples at once tonight. And I think I'm the cause. Cause E asked him if he had feelings for me, and he said yes, and I just can't help but feel like I was the one who made them split. I can't lose these guys. They're literally the best friends I've ever had, and I know what it's like to be lonely and I don't want that again. It's not fun, especially if I'm already alone at school. But yeah, just kinda emotionally exhausted. I do love how B and I have become closer though, it's nice. I need another guy friend cause I can't have one at school anymore, it's too frowned on. I hate my school. The classes are great and the teachers too, just the kids are too much. They just aren't nice in any way, and don't understand it. I wish I could stop going but this is the best school where I live and it has the IB Programme which I need cause it looks really good on college stuff. Why do I do everything for college? Why not to just do fun. This is dumb.
I also am going to bed on an empty stomach. I've only had one meal today, and then had one snack of apple chips, but that's it.
