Break Me || Harry Potter

Chapter 71 - Don't Know

Life from that point on was difficult. Avoiding Harry was my main motive, avoiding questions was my second. After that night on the widow's walk, my emotions and my mind had been fighting a raging battle. I wanted to scream, shout, destroy. I wanted to run away, run away from everything and take everything with me. I wanted to leave, but I didn't at the same time. Everything spun around me.

I was currently sitting in Hermione and I's bedroom, running my fingers through my short hair as I tried to write a letter to Brooklyn. I had already written two for Hayley and Mina, but it was getting harder to put my thoughts into words for Brooklyn.

"Saige? Dinner's ready," Hermione called, peeking in through the door. I looked up, crumbling the letter in my hand as I stood, tossing it in the trash. I nodded to Hermione, telling her I would be down in a few minutes. She nodded, but didn't leave. I turned my back to her as I attached the two good letters to the Weasely's owl, letting out of the window before turning back to Hermione, who was still standing in the door.

"I'm coming," I said again, running my hands through my hair again. Hermione, instead of walking out, stepped inside the room and closed the door behind her. I sighed.

"Saige, are you okay?" Hermione asked softly, sitting down on the edge of her bed. I turned my back to her, rubbing my temples. My hair tickled my eyes. I didn't know what to say. I started to give her my usual answer, but my voice didn't work. I took a deep breath.

"I- I don't know. Honestly Mione, I don't know anything anymore," I said, my words heavy with the truth. I heard Hermione sigh.

"Saige, listen. Its not your job to know, you don't have to worry about it," She said softly. I turned back to her, my eyes surprisingly filling.

"Mione, if I knew I could save people. If I knew, I could've stopped Mr. Weasley from being attacked. If I knew, I could've stopped Harry from attacking Draco. If I knew-"

"But that's the thing, Saige, you did save Mr. Weasley. He is alive because of you. And I'm sorry about Harry and Draco, but you can't change that. But you shouldn't break yourself down because of it," Hermione said earnestly. I shut my eyes as I plopped down on the bed beside her. She put a comforting hand on my back, careful of the bandages around my back. Madam Pomfrey had demanded a return to her office to consult me about the large unhealed scar on my back, and after I had told her, she had bandaged it up properly. It still ached.

"I just wish they would drop whatever happened between them. I mean, c'mon! What are they fighting over? Popularity?" I threw my hands into the air, accidentally shattering a glass with my magic as my emotions lashed out. Hermione jumped, but with just half a thought the glass was reformed and set back on the desk. I paid it no attention.

"You," Hermione said after a moment. I turned to look at her.

"What?" I asked, confused. The corner of Hermione's mouth tilted up.

"You. They're fighting over you. That's why they hate each other," Hermione said. Her smirk widend into a grin, which turned into laughter when she saw my face.

"Me? Why would they fight over me?" I cried, utterly astonished. Me? Why me? My head started to hurt.

"They both care about you a lot Saige. They don't want the other one to hurt you," Hermione said, finally calming down, her voice sinscere. I gaped at her, trying to wrap my mind around what she said.

"But-"

"Just look at it, Saige. Harry has been your friend since our first year, but after the Yule Ball, Harry feels more disconnected. Ever since your first –um- disappearance," She paused at the word, but I waved for her to go on. "Harry has felt like his loosing you." She said.

"What?" I asked, wondering where she was getting all of this.

"He told me- after you came back. You were so dark, so angry. You were scary – even before last year. We wanted to comfort you- help you- but none of us could relate..." Hermione said sadly. I leaned back, taking this in. "And even after you came back last year, you had changed again. You'd been through so much that shaped your personality without us that we felt like we were losing the Saige we knew. That's where Draco comes in." Hermione said.

"I-" I tried, but my voice cracked.

"Listen Saige, its okay. We don't hold anything against you. We can't just expect you to live through hell twice and come out perfectly fine. That would just be rude. I guess we were just surprised. Anyways, Draco, for you, is another refuge. When we were unsure and cautious because we didn't want to offend you, Draco stepped in. He was your anchor, your lifeline. He had had similar experiences with what you went through. He was another outlet for you to share your burden with. Saige, I know Harry is angry, but Ron and I don't hold anything against you for hanging out with him. We know you care for him. Its okay, we understand that. I was talking with Ron actually- we both are thankful Draco is there for you. He can give you comfort where we can't. We just don't want to loose you completely. You are our friend, and we love you. We just want you to be happy," Hermione said. I was quiet for a while. After a moment, with tears in my eyes, I reached over and wrapped my friend in a hug, squeezing my arms tightly around her neck.

"Thank you Hermione, thank you," I breathed as I pulled back, hastily wiping my tears. I looked up at her with a half smile.

"No worries. Don't break yourself down, just promise me that okay?" She asked, putting her hand over mine. I nodded, letting a small smile spread across my face.

"Now, you gonna come down and eat? Dinner was ready ten minutes ago," Hermione said, standing. I grinned and stood, following her out the door and down the stairs.

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"Hey Saige, can I talk to you?" Sirius asked me as I finished helping clean up after dinner. I flicked my hands towards the table and wiped it off, then nodded and followed him out of the kitchen. I followed Sirius into another random room of the house, studying the huge family tree tapestry on the wall.

"What do you need?" I asked. Sirius shrugged.

"You and Harry... What's going on?" He said. My jaw clenched. Dinner had been rough considering that I sat directly across from Harry, but I just tried to pay attention to Gazzy, who was showing me his new magic tricks he could do with his food.

"Its- its just been rough, I guess. We are having some disagreements," I tried, searching for the right words. Sirius sighed.

"Okay. I get that. Just, Harry doesn't exactly know how to handle all of this, I guess. Its been hard for him to comprehend everything, after all of the hatred he has been getting lately. I wish- I wish I could help him, but I'm not exactly in a good state either," Sirius said sadly. I took a deep breath.

"I can try Sirius, I can. Harry has been on the defensive lately, and I get that. I can try, but I can't promise anything. His trying to relate to me, trying to understand what I am going through and I'm sorry Sirius, but I can't take it. Nobody understands what I went through- nobody. So for him to try to relate to me, to try to get on my level? It doesn't do anything but make me angry." I said truthfully. Sirius bit his lip, but nodded.

"Okay, thanks. And I understand how you feel, the whole not wanting people to try to feel how you feel," He said, a ghost of a grin sweeping across his face. I nodded and left the room, the whisper of my own words echoing in my mind.