LISA POV
6
Bangkok is pouring hard today. Sitting in front of my apartment window watching the rain and the sky being gloomy somehow makes me happy and calm. I find it beautiful. The sound of rain makes me remember someone dearly.
Someone once gave her heart to me but I let it go so that she can be happy. Who wants to stay with someone who does not know their life span?
Why do I like rain? Because I felt that rain can wash away my pain of missing her. I am a survivor of a heart transplant. I am a survivor of a sickness I've been having since small. But I sink in getting her to stay with me. But I would be selfish to have her beside me if I don't survive so I let her go with someone she likes.
I continue to listen to the rhythm of the falling rain. Tik Tok tik tok and I can hear my heartbeat at the same time. So calm yet so painful. I felt the pain of the beats because it's beating without her. It's beating by itself surviving to stay strong. I always say without rain, nothing grows. I learn to embrace the storm in my life.
Why do I like rain? Because it is the time we both once stayed cuddled together while holding our hot chocolates laughing at our best friends. Every time it rains, the unknown feeling came to me and there is no umbrella where I can hide from it.
32
I felt like raindrops fall onto the body of the ground, trying to meet with each other. That is how I wonder; will I meet her under the rain someday? I have let her go but why my heart asked me to stay? She is happy with someone new but why am I hoping for something else?
Questions here and there have been invading my mind lately. It has been 3 years since I last saw her. Our best friends know I'm alive but I am dead to her. I don't want her to feel guilty about having someone new in her life. It is better for me to go so she will have a happier life.
26
I missed you Nini even though I should not do that. I missed our kisses, our lovemaking, and our cuddle but you started to get bored at it. It is not your fault for having such a weak girlfriend at that time. I failed to make you felt confident with me surviving this. You found someone new and you look happier that day.
You promised me the world before and I fell for it when I don't intend to let someone in. I put you first and you adored it but you let our forest burn because you are not looking at it anymore. You build a new one with someone else. I saw the signs and I ignored them. We'd always go into it blindly so I needed to lose you for you to love me. If only love is still there in your heart. I am dead remember? No one can love a dead person.
59
I give you my all and they all know it. You never turned me down but at the same time, you found someone new. It was so easy for you that you made me feel like I deserved it. I needed to hate you to love me but I just can't hate you. I love you even though I can't have you.
Looking at my windows overseeing the raindrops, my phone ring and I saw Chicken Lover on the Display ID.
"Oh, Jisoo called me. Anything new?" I told myself but in a way, I am excited she still contacts me because I missed her, I missed Chaeng and mostly I missed her.
"Hey, Chichu Unnie... What's up!"
"Hey Limario, are you doing fine there! I missed our visit last week" Limario, the name you gave them to call me and it sticks until now. Tell me how can I forget you, Nini? Jisoo and Chaeng, the love birds visited me last week to pre-celebrate the Christmas. I asked them how Jennie is doing. They said she's fine but she seems soulless. She got Kai, why is she looking lonely.
"Hey Lisa, you there? you ok?" Jisoo sounded worried. They are always worried even though I am fine here. The operation made it. I was in a coma for a month and wakes up crying. Then I started to survive because my parents need me. I cannot be selfish to just give up just because she found someone new. A lot of other people still loved me.
"Sorry, Unnie... I was admiring the rain! You know how much I love the rain right?" Somehow I felt Jisoo is nodding.
"You never changed even a bit..." Jisoo sounded serious.
"I never am. The heart has been replaced but the same longing is there Unnie. I choose this life. I will bear with it..." I told Jisoo and tears drop on my cheeks. I should not cry but today they decided to join the rain.
"Don't you want to meet Nini back, Lisa? Don't you want to tell her the truth?" Jisoo asked.
"Let it be Unnie... She found someone better than me... Someone who made her smile the day I want to tell her about my operation date. I don't want her to feel anything for me anymore. I can suffer but I don't want her to suffer because of me." I told Jisoo because that is what I wished for her. Happiness. She has been kind to me, at least for the past 4 and half years. Even when she secretly kiss Kai that day, she is still kind to me.
"You hurt yourself so much, Lisa..." Jisoo sounded really sad.
"Not as much as I can't visit you always. I missed you guys so much. How's Chaeng is doing this time around? I heard she's a good painter now?" I can feel Jisoo nod.
"Yes, she is! I call you today is because I want to tell you that I have proposed to her and she said yes! Our wedding will be held 2-3 years from now, we are still young you know... but I am happy to call her my fiancé." I was smiling in tears hearing the news. They are inseparable since Jisoo is 17 years old and Chaeng is 15 at that time. Chaeng is my classmate at that particular time.
"I am so happy for you Unniiieee!! Send my congrats to Chaeng! You guys deserved it! Congratulations Unnie!!" We talked a bit more about certain topics. Jisoo will always bring up Jennie missing me from time to time but I changed the topic. We ended the call for about 30 minutes and the rain has stopped.
"I guess you are bored seeing me watching you, aren't you rain?" I spoke by myself looking at the windows. Lives moves on but why mine is still missing you. I have undergone a change of heart but why I'm still missing you? I hold my hot chocolate cup and continue drinking it.
I should visit mommy and daddy tomorrow. My work as a photographer will have its own time to be busy and at the moment, I am free. I travel the whole world taking pictures but it is still empty without you witnessing it. I looked outside and sigh. I guess it is time for me to sleep.
