Confetti it's a Parade Book 2

Healing

Castiel x Reader

Synopsis: Even though the Reader is in a relationship with Castiel, she still feels alone, and forgotten. This makes her sloppy on a hunt, and while injured, she prays to Cas, finally saying all the things she's kept bottled up for far too long.

I wish I wasn't so stubborn. There were a lot of things that I wished, sitting on the cold, concrete floor in this hell hole of a basement. But that was the start of it. Maybe if I wasn't so stubborn, I would have opened up to my friends. To let them know I wasn't as okay as I always seemed to be. That when I was smiling brightly, I could be crying inside.

I'm not even sure where my stubbornness started. And maybe that's the wrong word for it. Instead of stubbornness, you could call it insecure, or even private. Because to me it felt wrong to share feelings with another person, no matter how well I know them. It always seemed awkward, or like I was complaining, even though I just wanted someone, anyone to notice that there might be a slight crack to my smile, and ask me why.

At first I thought that person would be Castiel. After becoming friends with the Winchesters, I had met the dark haired, trench coated Angel, and felt like he could be a soul I could finally connect with. A person that I would feel okay with sharing my thoughts and feelings to. He would tilt his head, and give me this look, like he was looking right through me, and knowing that I wasn't okay.

Time passed, and even though our relationship grew closer, it still hadn't gotten to the point where I could open up, and this made me feel like even more of a failure. If I couldn't even open up to the one man I loved, then was I broken? Was there something so completely wrong with me that I couldn't be like everyone else and share what was hurting me?

Even when he would stay in bed, cuddling me close to his chest, I couldn't force myself to bring up the words. And he never asked. I'm not sure if he was waiting for me to make the first move, or if he just didn't care. The second probability was the one that flooded my mind, making my heart feel heavy, the sense of being alone being too much to handle at times.

That's why I had taken this hunt, by myself. Dean, even Sam had begged me not to take it. To wait for them to get back from their hunting trip in South Dakota. I didn't want to wait, and truthfully, I wanted some time for myself. I wanted to prove to myself that I was okay. That I could function like other human beings, or hunters at least, and that I wasn't a total failure. 

It should have been an easy hunt. A simple ghoul that was feasting on a family that happened to live by a cemetery. Shoot the ghoul, head back home, and pretend to be fine. At least it would have been fine if my head had been in it. But my mind had still been on the conversation I had had with Castiel the previous morning before leaving the bunker.

Showing up unexpectedly, Castiel had been surprised when he saw that I had been packing. He had been just as surprised as Sam and Dean that I planned on taking this hunt by myself. Standing in front of me, he had pleaded with me to wait for the Winchesters. Or to take him along. That back up wasn't a bad thing. He said he knew I were a good hunter, probably as good as Dean, but ghoul's were a tricky business. 

I had thanked him for his concern, but insisted that I needed to do this. By myself. That I couldn't just sit around and do nothing while the boys did the rescuing. He had nodded, tilting his head, trying to read me carefully. Finally, you could tell he had given in, when he came forward, kissing my cheek carefully, making me to pray to him if anything came up. He insisted, telling me even if I just wanted to talk.

I almost stayed back then. It was the first time he had said anything like that, and I remember feeling my knees buckle, my palms getting sweaty as my heart started racing. Part of me wanted to stay back. To let him pull me into his arms, and tell him all my fears, all my insecurities. To have someone listen, and tell me how much I was loved and needed. Because there were many days I felt like a waste. That I wasn't important in anybody's lives.

Instead, I stood on my tiptoes, kissing his cheek before grabbing my bag and walking out the door. He didn't say anything else, just stood there watching the entire time. And as I left him behind, I felt a shiver run down my back, feeling as if I would never have the chance to see him again.

I shoulder have listened to that feeling. If I had, then I wouldn't be here, laying in the middle of the Smith's pool table, my arms and legs stretched out and tied tightly. My mouth wouldn't be gagged, and I wouldn't have the ghoul walking around the table, a knife in their hand as they creepishly licked their lips. If I had listened to that feeling, I wouldn't be screaming as the ghoul slashed the knife across my arms. I wouldn't be feeling my blood slowly leaving my body, dripping loudly into the fancy china bowls on the floor below me. 

As the ghoul walked away, leaving me to bleed out, it made me come to a realization. That yes, I had been stubborn. And that stubbornness had cost me something dearly. It had cost me the chance to get closer to a person that I loved more than anything in this world. My stubbornness, and fear of opening up to anyone had my dying alone, all my thoughts and feelings dying along with me. Cas wouldn't find out how much I loved him, or how he made me feel like a better person. Sam and Dean wouldn't know that they were the family I had been searching my whole life for.

As the tears started falling, and my body grew weaker, I did the only thing I could think of. I prayed. To Cas of course. I knew he was busy in heaven. That he might not even hear this. But I didn't know what else to do, and I needed to try.

Closing my eyes, I thought of Cas, with his sparkling blue eyes that held so much love in them each time he looked at me. I poured my heart and soul into that prayer. Telling him how I felt so empty and alone before he came into my life. How I didn't feel worthy of anyone's love, especially his, but I was honored he chose me. 

My body grew weaker, and I was so tired, but still I prayed. I told him about how insecure I felt, how hard it was for me to open up to anyone. And how I wished I hadn't waited so long to let him in. How I loved the fact that he never pushed me to give him more of me than was comfortable. 

Lastly I told him how much I loved him. How much I was sorry that I wouldn't get to spend the rest of my life showing him that. I could feel my heart beat slowly, and I ended my prayer with a silent kiss, hoping if nothing else, he would get at least that. 

It was a struggle, but I needed to open my eyes up one more time. I needed to see real life around me, even if it was only the place of my death. I wasn't prepared for the concern in the blue eyes above mine as I fought to open them. Or the feeling of warmth spreading through me as Cas healed my wounds, bringing me back from the brink of death.

My tears wouldn't stop as he cut the ties, holding me tight to his chest. Over and over again, he whispered into my hair. Telling me how sorry he was for not noticing sooner how I felt. Telling me how much he loved me, and how he would always be there for me. It was what I needed to hear the most, and I let him rock me in his arms, feeling the cracks in my soul slowly start to mend as his words healed me more than his angel grace ever could.