Chaos (Colby Brock)

109

I hated feeling so vulnerable around Colby.

I hated that I was almost afraid of him, even though I was hardly afraid of him when he was actually mean to me. Everything felt so vulnerable right now.

I wished with my whole heart that I could just put my feelings on pause for just a minute.

I was sick of feeling like this and that I was feeling like I was a child.

I felt weird asking Colby if I could go to the bathroom but I felt like if I didn't ask he would get mad.

When I got to the bathroom though I looked in the mirror, seeing the same worn down girl I have been seeing for a while now.

My eyes were red and swollen with tears and my skin was pale.

I looked like a mess.

I sniffled then turned to go sit on the toilet so as I could pee. I found myself zoning out a little bit, feeling a tightness in my chest.

"Get it together, Jules." I said then stood up and flushed the toilet.

As I was washing my hands though, I saw there was a little orange pill bottle on the counter.

My stomach churned as my heart raced. I knew it was a bad idea to even entertain the thought of grabbing the bottle but before I could stop myself, my hand was reaching for it.

It was a prescription for Stas.

Oxycodone.

I felt my mouth almost salivating at how badly I wanted to take the drug. It was almost eating me alive how badly I wanted it.

Before I could stop myself I was opening it and taking out two pills, popping them into my mouth.

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, knowing I would feel ashamed at the joy in my eyes. I hated that I was so excited about the pills I took.

It made me hate who I was.

Once I took the pills, I screwed the cap back on and put the bottle on the counter before hurrying out of the bathroom.

I was in here for too long, Colby would be suspicious.

When I left the room, I went straight to the library. I didn't want my joy or possible guilt to trip Colby off.

I sat down, then looked at the painting in front of me. I felt even worse about what I had just done, seeing the torture I felt in my art.

I hated that I was feeling so happy again. I wasn't happy though.

I was very sick and just made a very big mistake.

Time passed, and the pills started to effect me. I felt sufficiently numb and didn't care that I took more pills.

I felt at peace.

"Babe?" Colby asked as I lazily looked up at him. "Julia..." He said as his face dropped. "Yes?" I mumbled with a small giggle.

"What did you take?" He asked with a hint of rage. "Nothing." I lied, trying to widen my eyes so that I looked more 'normal'.

"Don't fucking lie to me, Jules." Colby said then let his face soften slightly. "I won't get mad." He said as my eyes stung.

"You already are." I said as my lip trembled. "What did you take, sweetheart?" Colby asked and brushed my hair back.

"Oxy." I said, feeling suddenly very sick. "Fucking hell, Jules." Colby said with a slight groan as he stood up straight.

"You said you wouldn't be mad." I mumbled. "I'm not mad. I'm....disappointed." He said as I started to cry.

"I needed it, Colby. I needed it so bad." I cried out. "I-It was just s-sitting there a-and I feel so much better now!!" I sobbed.