Shadowhunter imagines and preferences

Magnus Bane*Butterfly

Magnus Bane X depressed!Lightwood reader

This can either be platonic or romantic, not really specified.

Sometimes you just feel hopeless. Like everything is black and white, good and bad. It's not but it how I see things.  

Sometimes everything is numb, not even sad. I can pretend it's all fine, put on a fake smile and they'll buy it. No one helps you till your bleeding.

I'm begging for an alley, someone to understand. Little do they know it murdered the person they called a friend, sibling. I'm not who I used to be, but they don't care, not if I stay quiet. As long as everything looks picture perfect its fine.

Izzy is my best friend but cant sees how I'm drowning inside. Its like I've been thrown overboard into a deep sea of nightmares but she doesn't seem to realise. I can't blame her, I'm a good liar. I have to be.

Alec and Jace don't understand it either. I can't blame them. I shut myself out and put on a mask, a mask showing what they want to see.

To them I'm a perfect sibling; I'm extroverted and loud for Izzy, serious and rational for Alec, and energetic and sarcastic for Jace. For mom and dad, I'm a devoted shadowhunter. For Max, I'm a manga lover, comic reader and training enthusiast who can teach him the ways of a shadowhunter. To them, I'm all these and happy.

Except I'm not.

None of them seems to realise I'm breaking inside. I hate clubbing but go for Iz, I want to take risks but don't for Alec, I want to be lazy but Jace likes to train, I hate being a shadowhunter and I don't understand manga. Why can't I read a normal book?

Clary and Simon are new, I don't expect them to see but why can't the rest of them tell. Everything is numb and I cant take it.

I decide to take a walk. Its past midnight but as an insomniac who can't sleep, this isn't strange. My family lies sleeping in their beds while I laid awake in a bed of emptiness, sadness and anger. I don't know what at, only that my veins feel like their on fire and my thoughts are drowning me.

I like to go for walks through me stuttering kneecaps may give out at any moment. Guess that's what happens when you don't eat dinner and train for an hour, or three.

I somehow end up on a bridge. I walk over to the side of the bridge and lean against it, staring into the water. Will I ever live up? Will I ever outdo myself? Get better? The bar gets higher and higher while the platform I stand on crumbles.

I'm so absorbed in my own thoughts I don't hear the warlock approaching me. I don't realise he's even there until he places his hand on my shoulder. I flinch and turn to look at him. Magnus. It's strange seeing him, I barely know him. "What are you doing out this late,  butterfly?"

"Thinking," I say it emotionless and staring back into the water. I don't know why he calls me a butterfly, is more like a moth.

His face seems concerned but I don't turn. "About?" he presses.

"Nothing, its fine." I give a tight-lipped smile and turn to him. I begin to walk away but he grabs my wrist. "I don't want to be a burden, truly." I pull my arm away and keep walking.

I hear his footsteps follow me but I just look forward. I cant face anyone, I'm too tired to lie, to numb to care. "Everything is temporary," I hear Magnus call after me. I stop and so did he, though I didn't turn. "Whatever you're feeling can end."

I look over my shoulder at him. "Easy for you to say," I whisper. I walk over to the railing again and he follows.

"I cant help if you don't tell me."