Finding myself

Chapter 94

Zara POV

The monster didn't go away. Not completely. Not even while I rested. It stayed with me like an ever-present shadow. Even after I gave it the attention it so desperately wanted from me. It almost took away everything from me.

It was still there in the dark corners of my mind. Lurking. Waiting.

But it didn't immobilize me anymore. I could finally move. I moved back into my room as soon as I regained consciousness. Despite Blaze's protests and relentless questions if I was alright or not. 

I didn't even let Zarine into my bedroom. I just locked myself in and waited for the monster to resurface. I was afraid of it. Afraid of losing control like that again. Or maybe the issue was that I was still in denial about my grandmother's death.

I still didn't know how to face it.

I didn't respond to the knocks on my door. Everyone tried-Jason, Zarine, Blaze, my mom. 

They were all concerned. Tried coercing me to eat but I knew I couldn't bring myself to take a single bite.

Blaze was the one who was most aggravated by this. He sat the front of my door. I knew it took everything in him to not break it down and come in and console me. He was staying away for my sake. Giving me space and I appreciated it. Xavier must be driving him mad.

For the first day, he just sat at my door. But the next day he got smarter and dragged a couch in next to the door. He would sometimes talk to me. Coax me to eat. I didn't respond.

I knew he was starving himself on my behalf too. He didn't take a single bite out of the food that Jason bought. Maybe he was too concerned that he lost his appetite.

I observed everything that went outside. Ironic, especially after I locked myself. Because I couldn't bear to look within. I was still whisking myself. Comfortably floating at the edges of my mind without daring to go in.

Do you know that feeling when you think something of someone and they prove you wrong? I feel like that of myself. Like I wasn't who I thought I was. And I didn't want to know who I actually am. Such mad contradictions. There was so much to learn. I didn't dare try to learn. I felt like was standing at the mouth of a cave not daring to go in, afraid of finding a bear or something wild, mad, and uncontrollable inside. And I thoughtZian was the feral side of me. I would have to find out until I went in or it came out. For now, I was perfectly comfortable with that.

And so it was that three days later, I opened the door. Blaze jumped on me like a thirsty man who finally found water in the desert. He kissed me all over my face. He took so many liberties I tell you. I sighed as he finally let go. Zarine had immediately run off to Jason and the gang who turned up with some food shortly. 

I gorged down. I was starved. Blaze did the same after making sure I was eating. He looked satisfied. I pushed a plate of food to him as he finished his portion. He smiled gratefully. The gang ravaged and ramped around me as if nothing happened. I smiled, I needed that. I felt sorry for all the trouble I put them through.

Life resumed back to normal again for a few days. I constantly updated Sam about the werewolf's movements. Enough to keep him in the loop but nothing too secretive. I hadn't found anything too secretive anyways. I didn't want to. I could hack but I didn't want to. Once I found out I would have to hide it from him.

I didn't want to do that. The pressure of his suspicious eyes was too much. So I didn't find out myself.

I thought he would punish me for showing such a vulnerable side to Blaze. But he just looked at me with concern and asked me to rest. He probably knew everything from the spy anyways. I had given up on finding him long ago.