Finding myself

Chapter 45

Blaze POV

We watch her sleeping form on the bed. She looks so peaceful. Almost beautiful.

Her hair is an orange halo around her. She is so still, you can hardly see her breath.

If it weren't for the beep of the heart monitor, I would constantly check on her.

A sob catches my attention to the Dex and his crying mate, standing with each other in their arms staring at their first-born.

A vision of me and Zara like that replaces the view in my mind. I shake my head to get rid of it.

I feel a tug on my t-shirt.

"I have some things to take care of," Jem says looking at me concernedly.

I nod, with my attention somewhere else.

"Blaze..." Jem says, taking my face into her hands.

I stare at her eyes. Would they be any different if it were a pair of green ones staring at me? Would it feel different if it were her hands on my face?

I remember how she challenged alpha Derek in front of me the other day. She was so brave. So strong.

I have seen her with Zarine a few times. I have seen how she handles him so gently. It had caught me off-guard. But needless to say, I understood for once why she was chosen to be my luna.

Strong and resilient yet gentle and kind. Isn't that what makes the best lunas?

At the time, I had taken quick peeks at her. And as guilty as I felt for doing it, I couldn't help but wonder how different it would be if it was her instead of Jem who was by my side. Like it was intended to be. Maybe we could conquer the world together.

But it wasn't to be.

You are so whipped.

Xavier says smugly.

No, I'm not. She doesn't have the training to be a luna like Jem does. And right now she is rude to everyone like a ticking time bomb. At the moment she is no better than a rouge with some control in their wolf. She even almost killed herself. So destructive...

I say. Xavier growls and I cringe at my own words.

I know I am looking for excuses, but these are all true.

And yet you are falling for her.

He says. I shut up. He is a part of me. Of course, he will know what I am thinking. If only Zara's bond was open to me too.

As if you are any better.

I retort.

If we send her with Dex. He may be able to handle Zarine. Maybe even douse the destructiveness. He may help her. And who knows within a few years, even train her to become a luna. Our luna.

Xavier says.

It would be easy to. But even as he says this, I don't think Xavier can go a few years without ever seeing her. He will go back to his shell again. The only thing making him talk to me now was our mutual concern for Zara.

If Zara goes, he leaves. And that leaves me vulnerable. I can't let her go.

But then again, who am I fooling?

For the past few days, all my thoughts have been about her. Is she eating? Is she sleeping? Is she taking care of herself? Is she alone? If she isn't, is she with a prospective male?  What's their relation? How is her wolf handling it? Is sh like Xavier too?