1. Hit or Miss

Chapter Twenty-One

I barely calmed down by the time Arin hit the freeway. Dan didn't release his grip on me as I had tried to finally become aware I was safe and let myself stop wheezing from wailing. I shuddered one last time and breathed out with a small noise. I heard Arin sigh either of relief or worry. I didn't pay much attention into it. Dan had been mostly quiet and occasionally hummed a song or two to help. I let myself shake for a moment more as long as I could control my breathing. I noticed my hands and arms cramping like the rest of my body from just clinging to Dan. I gave it a second before wincing as I tested the idea of moving my fingers at least. Dan flinched when I started absentmindedly stroking the back of his head and eventually settled and leaned his head back some so I could get more than one spot. I kept my eyes out the back window now and I knew he was curious to see the mess I probably looked like. The blue sky passed over us and the sun I could tell was still high. I had realized as well from me focusing on just the two things my body was coming back online. Dan shifted in noticing as well.

He finally, still holding me, but not gripping as tight, turned his head as he had leaned it back to examine me. I still stared straight and only felt him look at me for a moment. He still didn't say anything that I'd have to pay attention to. It was Arin who broke the newfound silence.

"You okay back there, Little One?" Arin tried a new nickname and I felt Dan stiffen. He nodded in some direction I didn't catch and I heard Arin mumble. Dan's hands slowly rubbed circles as I continued on his hair massage. I almost felt like it was going to hurt but remembered again, I was okay. The circles massaged deeper and I breathed in slowly. I needed to start trying to fill my lungs fully with air. I huffed as it felt alien now and almost scowled at how frustrated I was with my lengthy panic fit. I did indeed have anxiety and instead after I got used to the feeling of an episode coming on, I would not fear it, but become irritated that nothing was harming me and yet I still froze. I'm sure the faces I was making would seem comical had no one seen what had happened.

I stopped petting Danny finally and slightly pushed myself to face him front and center. I had been straddling him and almost felt guilty because the last time I had been like this with him was a completely different feeling. I focused on Dan's eyes in silence and he almost caught me in a deep thought. We looked over the other and didn't say a word. In almost a small conversation with eyes, it was fascinating to me. His eyes scanned me again and his worried and cautious expression remained. I tilted my head slightly and he froze and continued to stare into my eyes. I inhaled and gently closed my eyes. Dan's warm lips kissed my forehead and he tucked me under his chin. The stubble I could recognize in my sleep grazed my forehead and I heard his heartbeat slow down as I matched it. He gently swung my legs so they comfortably stretched across the rest of the back seat. Dan sighed after letting me settle and I heard him swallow to speak.

"You're okay. It's okay baby. I'm so sorry this happened. God, I love you so much." He cradled me as close as he could and peppered my head with kisses. He rested his forehead flatly on top of my head after a moment and stroked lines with his thin, long, fingers. I kept my arms folded my waist and just let his words sink in. I sighed and tried to find my voice.

"It's not-your fault." I never heard myself sound weaker. I made a confused face to myself. I guess I really hadn't noticed I broke down so hard. Dan slowly rocked us for a second and he shook his head.

"No, I feel like it. I should have waited. I should have at least been there or even listened when you mentioned her. I'm so, so, so sorry baby, no. I should have been there to protect you. You should have never been alone in that. Oh fuck." Dan's voice broke and as he made it to the end he dropped off to finally express his fear. He inhaled harshly and I reached up finally to stroke his cheek. He turned and kissed my palm as he used a hand to press it to his face. I let a few tears I had left roll down and watched him just be comforted that things didn't end worse. Dan slowly lifted his head and we stared at the other.