Band imagines

I refuse- palaye royale

This one is really sad it's like 12 in the morning and kinda in my feels
TW// depression, su*cide mentions - but not acted upon, anxiety mentions
Larissa can be seen as a little manipulative and a mean person in this but I promise I love her, just for the story

Larissa's sister <3

Y/n's POV

"Y/n! Get out of that stupid bed for once and get to school!" I hear Larissa yell from downstairs, her boyfriend and his brothers have been staying with us for a while, something about looking for an apartment.

I didn't reply, I stared at my wall hoping my bed would consume me and never spit me back out again. "Y/n!" Her tone of voice was clearly growing more annoyed and angry. She's probably late to work and I'll get the blame for it, like always.

I rarely speak, leave my room or speak to Larissa but somehow it's always me, I must be that good.

It's gotten to the point where in my time of distress and sadness, waking up is no longer ideal, mornings are not forgivable. I'm desperate to feel anything, anything at all.

I think it started to get bad when my hair would fall out after brushing it just once through, to the point where I was terrified to brush it out of fear of losing my hair. The rain outside hit against my window calming my brain which has taken it upon itself to run rampant, not my choice but it's own.

I noticed how when I moved my head the world and everything around me took this me to catch up to me. A lot of the time it was all fuzzy and I felt like I was floating in my own body, I think I've come to terms with a lot of the things that come with depression and the anxiety but the dissociation is something I don't think I'll ever get used to. It's truly terrifying.

I had two options. To live or to die, it's not that I wanted to die but I don't want to live this life.

I have tried therapist after therapist per request of Larissa who I know I'm letting down by the second but I couldn't find it in me to talk. They've come to the house but once again if I don't understand what's going on in my own head how can I tell anyone else? How am I supposed to get help when I can't explain what is going on?

I wanted it all to stop, of course school isn't easy either. I went from perfect attendance to now being in the low fifties, I couldn't find any motivation in me to get up and get ready. The not showering sucks, I feel guilty and disgusting for laying in my own filth but I can't get up to do anything about it.

At this point I might as well walk into a morgue and ask if they take walk ins.

Larissa has been a mother figure to me since I was young, I was so scared of letting her down and once I did, it all went down hill. Once turned into twice and once more and a never ending vicious cycle.

Once it was finally dark outside I found it in myself to get up and get some water, I quietly walked downstairs knowing everyone else would be in bed hopefully sleeping by now. I hadn't properly met Sebastian's sibling but from what I've heard around the house they're nice people.

Emerson seems like a more quiet person rather than what Remington is like; he's louder for sure and definitely more hyper.

"Look who finally decided to get her ass up" I stay silent and hope she would just go back to bed, I continue to fill up my bottle of water. I had one bottle I would drink it of and only that bottle.

"Aren't you going to say anything to me? Y/n I'm sick of having you moping around. Be productive and do something for crying out loud! You're so pale! You look like you're dying!" It hasn't registered to me yet that in my less motivated days which seemed to be becoming a more common occurrence, that I wasn't eating.

"I mean, come on y/n there is only so much I can do to help you! I got you therapists but you refused to speak with them! You are not doing anything to help yourself!" You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

I stood silently, holding the bottle that shook slightly in my hands, while she hurled abuse at me and I took it. I deserved it because she is nothing but right. She has every right to be mad at me.

"What is wrong with you y/n?!"

"I-I know you're trying 'rissa and I'm so grateful but I can't.."

"You can't what y/n?! You can't do simple tasks?"

"Look I'm sorry alright.. I'm really trying-" she cuts me off harshly, I knew she didn't intend for it to be so harsh but once again, she has been waiting for me to speak to her and she's taking this chance to do so.

"But you're not sorry though are you? What am I supposed to do with you? You told me you wanted to get help then you just shut me out completely. You make me feel like shit y/n!" Her yelling only got louder, if the brothers weren't awake now they would be now. I knew I was upsetting her.. how could I be so selfish?

"I'm sorry alright? What do you want me to say Larissa?! I'm depressed and I haven't been taking my medication alright? I know I fucked up okay.."

"You clearly don't though y/n." What was I doing wrong? I'm trying to apologise, is that not enough.

"I'm sorry" I repeat, she only shook her head and continued to yell.

"Oh fuck off Larissa! If you hate me that much then I'll go so I don't have to such a burden to you! It was your choice of taking me in and you didn't have to!" I defended now not having a care in the world.

"Of course I didn't have to but I did it because I'm nice! I didn't know you'd turn out like this!" That one stung..

A tear ran down my cheek, "I didn't know I'd turn out to be some depressed bitch who doesn't want to live anymore!" I yell back, I was going to tell her the truth. It's what she deserves right?

"Then why haven't you done it?!" I knew she didn't want me too she just wanted the reason.

"Because I refuse to let my older sister bury their sibling before I have a chance to make you proud! Believe me I'm trying so fucking hard for you! I'm this close to finding a fucking bridge or tall building and seeing if I can fly! If I can, cool. If I can't, even better.." I felt someone grab my arm gently pulling me back upstairs. "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment and inconvenience to you." I tell her before I can no longer see her, instead of being pulled I willingly walked to my room but instead I was pulled into a different room. It was one of the guest rooms, it had two double beds in.

"Come here darling.." the two brothers I sort of knew as Emerson and Remington laid down putting my small body between them, holding me tightly.

I assume they ended up sharing a room, I held back my tears the hardest I could. I had gotten good at doing this and keeping my tears hidden.

"It's okay to cry.. let it all out ma cherié" that was all I needed before I was sobbing silently into these two men who made me feel.. comfortable?

They felt safe.

I could trust them and I knew that they wouldn't break that trust. "We've got you.."