Irresistible [h.s]

Chapter 22

I slowly start to open my eyes, feeling still exhausted but a lot better than yesterday. I notice Harry's arm still firmly wrapped around my waist, so instead of moving and waking him up, I just lay there for a moment, letting my thoughts wonder.

I want to be good for him. I want to be fine...for him. I want things to go back to how they were, but no matter how much I try to ignore his confession, it's not going to go away. It's how he feels and I have to come to terms with it. It's just nearly impossible for me to wrap my head around.

How could someone love me?

I don't have any of the traits that make me desirable. I do the exact things to keep love from happening. I push people away, I become cold. I do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen, but somehow it finds it's way in.

Harry though screwed me over from the beginning. I had a soft spot for him for some reason. He was just different, and there also became obvious tension between us as time went on. I wanted to get to know him, and understand him and be the one he talks to when he's upset. I've never had that happen before.

I was screwed the first time I kissed him. I knew that wasn't the last time I wanted to do that. I was screwed the first time he held me in his arms. I felt like I didn't want to leave them. It all felt like home.

He feels like home to me. The home I never had.

Everything between us has moved so quick it nearly gives me whiplash, but I wouldn't change a single thing. I don't regret a single thing that has happened between us, but to say I'm scared is an understatement. I'm scared of hurting him, I know I will if I haven't already. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do but somehow I still find a way to do so.

I'm scared that one day I won't be enough...I know I won't. I believe Harry is a amazing guy, there's not a single bone in my body that believes otherwise, but he'll want more. I don't know how to love, I'm not capable of feeling that way about a person. Even though I can see myself falling in love with him, and I'm scared that if I let myself, I could quite possibly love him, it doesn't mean that I for certain will or it will be what he wants.

Loving me won't be easy, I'm destructive.

I'll destroy him, no matter how much I don't want too, It's what I do best. I can't change and he may say he doesn't need me to or he likes me the way I am, but it's a lie, and if for some reason it's not, he will get tired of me. I want more than anything to change and to be what he deserves and be good for him, but I don't think I can.

What if I do fall though? What if I let everything I feel for him come rushing in, then what? We will live happily ever after...I just don't think that's how it works, but I have no idea. I mean for fucks sake, Zoe and Sage are literally the perfect example of true love. They get into fights and they have their disagreements but in the end they always circle their way around to one another, and love each other through all of it.

Would I be strong enough to hold on? Would Harry?

I guess that's something you probably have to take a leap on. Love is just so foreign to me, I've never once felt that, not even from family or when I was younger. I talk about it like I've never heard the word before and have no idea what it means, because in reality I hardly know anything about it except that it's painful. You put all of yourself out there for this one person, you place your heart in this one persons palm, giving them an advantage to just crush it whenever. You're completely vulnerable.

You can also be in love and happy and that person can make you feel whole again. Sometimes all of that pain and hurt can be worth it, but that's something I've always questioned. How can someone be such a fool in love that they let themselves get hurt over and over again and it still be worth it? Then again how can someone be so heartless to crush someone's heart and soul without blinking an eye, when that person loves them endlessly.