Ohne Dich (Sequel to Stirb Nicht Vor Mir)

Chapter 48

June 30, 2002

"Welcome back," Kelly shook my hand as Ville and I sat down on the couch. 

Getting there was such a struggle. I had to find a babysitter for Ashton-which was easy since my mom wanted to watch him-and convince Ville to go again. He wasn't getting any better, but we were only there for an hour and had only gone one time. Things were tense between us, though. He was very mad that I didn't tell him. No matter how hard I tried to make it up to him, things just got worse. But, he said that he was willing to go for me. 

"I just watched your movie Just Let Go and let me tell you, I had never felt more uncomfortable in my life," Kelly admitted. "I have a daughter of my own who's four-"

"My son is four," I said. "Sorry."

"It's fine," She chuckled. "And just thinking about her committing suicide or even having those feelings makes me really upset. Watching your mom see you dead and how she reacted is very, very horrible-"

"Because it seems so real, right?" Ville asked. "The reason why is because Adette has tried to kill herself before."

"I read about that somewhere. Is that true, Adette?"

"Yes," I told her. "But I don't want to talk about it."

"After filming that scene, her mom left the set sobbing," Ville said. "She couldn't handle it and they stopped filming for the rest of the week. The amount of trauma that the cast endured is fucking crazy. Adette had it the worst, though."

"How so?" Kelly asked. 

"Well, she had to stay away from her son. She was doing drugs and drinking alcohol and she didn't want to be near him because she knew that she would be acting differently. She couldn't eat-which is hypocritical-"

"It was for a movie, Ville," I told him. 

"Why couldn't you eat?" Kelly asked me. 

"Because they said that I weighed too much and the character I played needed to be skinner."

"They basically called her fat," Ville spat. 

"Yeah," I giggled. "Ville almost got me fired because he wouldn't stop yelling at them."

"So, in total," Ville continued. "She couldn't see her son, she was doing drugs, she was drinking heavily, she couldn't eat, and her nightmares came back."

"What nightmares?" Kelly wrote down everything Ville said. 

"Want to explain?" Ville asked me. 

"Sure," I sat up more. "Well, when I was raped, I had these nightmares that I was getting raped again and I was sweating profusely and waking up screaming. That lasted for a little while and every now and them I get them occasionally, but during the movie, I don't know why, but I got them frequently."

"What do you think caused that?" Kelly leaned forward. 

"I don't know."

"Okay. Did your family help you at all?"

"They couldn't. My dad-Richard, not Till-"

"Who?"

"Rickard Kruspe-lead guitarist for 'Rammstein'-and Till-lead singer of 'Rammstein'."

"Ah, I see."

"They were too busy recording their new album. My mom couldn't help, obviously. She was going through her own stuff, but Ville did help. I mean, he tried."