Ohne Dich (Sequel to Stirb Nicht Vor Mir)

Chapter 134

June 23, 2011

Angie and I got at the funeral way earlier than everyone else and helped set up. There was nothing to do and we both needed to keep ourselves busy or we would flip out. 

As people started arriving, I went to the bathroom and started softly crying. I hated how much I was crying-my eyes burned so bad. 

The door swung open and I saw Angie there. 

"I need you to be with me-I can't do this alone," She said. 

I nodded my head and walked out with her. We stood on the porch and she hugged everyone that walked in. I saw Bam and Missy and hugged them. Then, I saw April and Phil. 

"Oh!" April exclaimed and hugged me. "I haven't seen you in so long."

"I know," I hugged her tight. 

The four of them stayed outside for a little and then I saw Glenn and Rob. Rob looked at me, so I slowly walked over to him and hugged him. It was then that I realized I was crying. He was bigger than from what I remember and I could feel his beard brush up against me. 

I wiped my tears as I let go of him, then hugged Glenn. He hugged me shortly, then let go-he looked very uncomfortable.

"You okay?" Rob asked. 

I looked at him and smiled. "Sure."

I walked back over to Angie and hugged her. 

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During the service, I couldn't control myself-I didn't think I could cry this hard. Part of me knew that I wasn't crying just because of Ryan's death-it was everything all at once. The divorce, losing Paul, losing my kids, but mostly Ryan. I wished that I could have known-not to prevent it, but thank him. I never got to thank him for all that he had done for me. He had done so much for everyone and he didn't even know it. 

After the service, Angie and I went away from everyone and into the parking lot and sat on my car. 

"That was a lot harder than I imagined," She said softly. 

"Yeah, it really was," I took out a cigarette, lit it, and started smoking. 

"You smoke?"

"Sometimes."

"Can I have one?"

"A-Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I think I need it right now."

I handed her a cigarette and lit it for her. When she took a drag, she made a scrunched up face and started coughing, causing me to chuckle. 

"I knew I shouldn't have done it," She said. 

"Do you want me to take it?"

"Mhm," She handed it to me. 

"It's a horrible habit, but it's one that I have."

"Everyone has bad habits," She looked behind her. "I'm going to go help inside."

"I'll join you in a second."

"Okay," She hopped off of the car and walked away. 

I was left there all alone and just stared into the sky and started crying. I didn't do anything to anyone-well, I had, but nothing too extreme that I had to lose my best friend. He was everything that I needed and now he was gone. He just slipped away from everyone. Ryan shouldn't have died. But, he did.