Ohne Dich (Sequel to Stirb Nicht Vor Mir)

Chapter 64

September 29, 2002

"As soon as I opened up the door, she just started crying in my arms," Taylor whispered to Sam. "She was so tired, though. She had fucking bags underneath her eyes."

"Should I wake her up?" Sam asked. 

"No, Babe. Let her sleep."

I had been listening to their whole conversation that morning. Little did they know that I was softly crying to myself. I really fucked up. I put Ville right there on the spot and I made him feel bad for doing something he loved. 

My phone started ringing, but I shut my eyes and ignored it-I didn't want them to know I was awake. I felt a hand touch where my phone was and then Taylor asked, "Hello?"

There was a short pause, but then she continued. "She's at my house, don't worry. She's sleeping. Right now? You mean right this second? Yeah, I mean, I guess that's fine. Alright, bye."

"Ville?" Sam asked. 

"Yeah. He's really worried. But, the truth is, I'm more worried about her. I don't even know what fucking happened."

"It's alright. She'll be alright."

"Yeah."

I missed Ville. I wanted to wake up to his arm wrapped around my body, but I fucked it up. I really fucked up this time. He was going to be leaving soon and I'm making him feel bad. After all that he had done for me, that was how I repaid him? I was ashamed of myself. 

I was bored, so I sat up and stretched my arms out, acting as if I had just woken up. Sam looked at me and chortled. 

"What?" I ran to the bathroom and gasped as I saw my hair. It was a fucking mess. 

"Hey," Taylor rubbed my back. "Want to go to my bathroom? You can brush your hair and teeth."

"Sure."

We walked to her bathroom, and I brushed my hair and teeth. Afterwards, she made me sit down on her bed and tell her what happened. 

"Wow," She lightly chuckled. "That's...a lot."

"Yeah. I feel really, really fucking bad, though."

"It's alright. It's Ville-he'll forgive you."

"But we had never gotten into an argument this bad before. The most embarrassing part is that his fucking family was there. What if they think that I'm weak or-or-"

"Adette, don't worry about his family right now. What you need to worry about is you two because he's on his way."

My heart dropped and I felt worried. I didn't want to see him. Not yet. "You're kidding."

"No, I'm not. He's probably almost here."

Then the doorbell rang. 

"No!" I shrieked. 

"Come on," She grabbed my hand and dragged me downstairs. 

I hid behind the corner and Taylor kept pressuring me to come out, but I couldn't. I was just way too nervous. But, I knew that I needed to see him and make things right. 

Just as I was about to go into the kitchen, there was a light tap on my shoulder. I turned around and started sobbing. He was right there. 

"Ville!" I gasped. 

"Hey," He forced a smile, but I could clearly tell he didn't want to smile. 

His eyes were red, his hair was all messy, and he was wearing the same clothes as yesterday. He looked really fucked up. 

"We need to talk," He cleared his throat. 

I nodded my head and we walked out back. We sat down on her chairs, then he pulled out a cigarette, lit it, then placed it in his mouth, but didn't inhale. 

"Listen-"

"No," He interrupted me. "You listen to me. Yesterday you were all talk and yelling at me, but you weren't really listening, were you? You were thinking about what you were going to say next and what was pissing you off. I don't want to get mad at you, so I'll lay off of some things I was thinking, but I love you, Adette."

"I love you, too."

"I don't want you to think that I'm touring and recording an album to get away from you, because I'm not. But when you come at me like that and say that shit, do you know how much it fucking hurts?! I hate that I have to be away from you, too, but I mean, you signed up for this-you knew what you were in for. You can't get mad at me. You can be upset, but you shouldn't be mad at me."

At this point, I was bawling. I felt so bad. The pain I caused him was so unimaginable and I couldn't believe that he drove to Taylor's house to talk to me because if I was in his shoes, I wouldn't want to go anywhere near me. 

"I needed to make sure you were alright," He told me. "I didn't really know where you were and I didn't want you to," He paused and gulped. "I didn't want you to do something you'd regret."

"I'm not going to kill myself, Ville."

"Last night, you said some pretty powerful words, but not once did you say you hated me, or 'Fuck you'. I need you to realize that we can't go on acting like that didn't happen."

"I know we can't."

"Last night after you left, my parents came into the room and saw me on my knees sobbing. My brother is a fucking heavy sleeper, but he did not sleep through that. He came to make sure I was alright, then went back to sleep. I told my parents was happened and they talked me through it, but my mom told me something that has been stuck with me all morning. She told me, 'Sometimes, when you get into arguments, you say things you don't mean. Now, when you say things you don't mean, you actually do mean them-you were just too afraid to say them before'. Now that got me thinking. You told me that you put up with it and were too mad or something to bring it up. Adette, relationships are based on communication. If you're not telling me how you're feeling, how can we fix our problems?"

"I know, I know. I'm sorr-"

"Stop saying you're sorry. Just stop."

"Okay."

"I went into our neighborhood for a little walk while smoking and drinking and I was really thinking. I was thinking about us and I thought, 'Why should I be with her if I'm causing her this much pain'?"

"No, no," I felt this horrible, horrible feeling in my stomach that made me cry. He was breaking up with me. "I want you. I want you, Ville!"

"I know and I want you, too, but look at how I'm making you feel!"

"I don't care, Ville! I don't fucking care! I need you! I need you!"

"I'm not breaking up with you, Adette. I mean, you're still wearing your ring-that's a good sign."

I smiled. "I thought you were breaking up me."

"But, I do think that we need to spend some time away from each other."

"W-W-Wait, what? N-N-No we don't."

"Yes we do. Just to collect ourselves, Adette."

"But you're going to be leaving soon!"

"I know which is why we need to test this out now."

"No, this isn't right. This isn't the way to go."

"We can drive back to my house and you can get a couple of your things, but we just need to get away."

"For how long?"

"At least a week."

I stormed out of the backyard sobbing and into the bathroom. I slammed the door shut and just cried. I let my feelings out. I needed to.