Spiderman Oneshots (Completed)

The Musical Kidnapping

Harley, Peter, Shuri, and Miles had been kidnapped by some random psycho who wanted to piss off Tony and T'challa. "Okay, but why am I here?" Miles asked, looking at the kidnapper.

"Because you're some random fuck who hangs out with rich kids." He shrugged. "You must be sucking some kind of a cock, meaning ransom will be good for that ass." He winked.

"What...the actual fuck...?" Miles asked.

"Let us go!" Peter yelled.

"Shut the fuck up!" The kidnapper yelled. "I'm not in the mood to deal with your shit." He narrowed his eyes.

"Why are you doing this?!" Harley asked.

"Well, random child, I'll tell you." The kidnapper sat on a chair.

"Where did that chair come from--"

"I was poor~!" The kidnapper sang.

"Is this a musical now?" Shuri asked.

"I was so fucking poor~!" He continued. "I was, like, eating shit off the floor....cuz I was poor~!"

"Yeah, we get it." Peter grumbled.

"Shut up I'm singing. And one day~!" He slowly stood up.

"What...what is happening?" Miles asked.

"I went on Yahoo~" He did a run, which was actually pretty impressive.

"I thought you were so poor that you were eating shit off the floor?" Peter asked.

"And Yahoo...it told me what to do~!" He stood on the chair he was sitting on. "It said~"

Suddenly, a bunch of background dancers came out if nowhere. "Make some rich dude pay a ransom, that's what to do~!" They sang.

"WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!" Harley screamed.

"Make some rich dude pay a ransom, and the money will come to you~!"

"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!" Peter asked.

"And so~!" The kidnapper sang.

"And so, and so, and so, and so~!"

"I obeyed~" He hopped down from the chair.

"You're sick." Harley spat.

"Yeah, like, who the fuck uses Yahoo?" Shuri asked.

The kidnapper shot his eyes over to Peter. "I found my target~!"

"Ooh, he found his target~!"

"The kid of Stark, ballsy move." Shuri nodded.

"Turns out there were two~!" He continued, looking at Harley now.

"Yeah, there were two~"

"And who was with them~?" He started doing some choreography.

"Who? Who? Who? Who~?"

"What, are you owls now? I don't--"

"But the princess of Wakanda?" He looked at Shuri, who cringed. "How much money would I make off two rich kids and a princess, tell me why don't ya~?"

"Ooh, tell him~"

"More that I could ever DREAM! So I knew what I had to do~!" He sat down in his chair again.

"Yeah he knew~!"

"This song sucks ass." Miles commented.

"Make some rich dudes pay a ransom, that's what to do~!" He belted out, grinding against the chair.

"Stay strong guys, we'll get through this." Peter told his friends.

"Make some rich dude pay a ransom, and the money will come to you~!" The background dancers sang.

"And oh~! If I was caught...what would I do~?" He asked, getting softer.

"Why...what--"

"Would it have been worth it? Who knows~?" He suddenly sat up, smiling wide. "I do!" A shocked expression took over his face.

"Who are you~?!"

"I'm the voice in your head! Your supporter from day one~! I know what to do~!

"You've...been in my head?!"

"Yes! I'm part of you~!"

"For...for how long?!"

"Since you were in the womb, when you dad fucked your mom, that SEALED THE TOMB! Now do what you did from day one~! What did you do, Ricky?"

"I..." He trailed off. "I obeyed~"

"...Jesus Christ man." Peter whispered. "What the fuck...?"

"hELP! HE'S CRAZY!" Harley screamed.

"Make some rich dude pay a ransom," He sang, changing the pitch. "That's what you do..."

"Make some rich dude pay a ransom, and hey! Your dreams will come true!" He hit an impressive high note for his vocal range. "You just make~!"

"Make~!" The dancers echoed.

"Some~!"

"Some~!"

"Rich!"

"Rich~!"

"Some rich dude~!" Everyone sang in unison. "You just make. Some. Rich. Dude. Pay~!" They held out the note for a long period of time.

"And I obeyed!" Ricky sang, hitting his final pose.

Harley, Shuri, Peter, and Miles were stunned. "What the fuck just happened...?"

"FREEZE!" A police officer yelled, kicking down the door.

"Wha--how did you find me?!" Ricky asked.

"Bitch, please. All of America could hear that song and dance number." The police officer scoffed.

"No! My passion for musical theater was my undoing!" Ricky yelled, falling on his knees.

"You're not...you're not even gonna try to escape...?" Miles asked. "The officer doesn't even have a gun, it would be super easy to--"

"Miles, shut the fuck up, okay?" Shuri smiled.

A/N:

I'm not sure what this is.

*

Dominic: So, I don't know, I'm just not getting what I want out of the barista life?

Susie: Oh?

Dominic: I want to travel the world! Meet new people! But...I feel confined to coffee stains and vanilla pumps.