Steve's Diary

July 17, 1935

Dear Diary,

Ok ok ok... I got it. Fighting ain't no way to solve a problem. Not even in the slightest. Yet, I feel like I didn't have a choice, like there was no other way. It would've been wrong to leave that poor dame to fend for herself.

That guy definitely deserved a beating... even though it wasn't from me.

Sure, I distracted him just long enough for her to get away from him... but I was the one left with a black eye in the end.

Let's just say that Bucky wasn't all too pleased to hear about it.

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"What the hell happened?" He yelled as I entered his front door. I looked around nervously, hoping no one else was home to hear my embarrassing stories and to hear Bucky yell at me (not that I didn't deserve it).

"Uhh..." I stumbled.

"No one's home, Steve. Don't worry 'bout that," he consoled me. "Now, please..." he started, "tell me what the hell you got yourself into this time!" He raised his voice.

"It's a, uh... long story," I said, not really meaning it.

He sat on the couch in the living room, "I've got all the time in the world," he patted the cushion next to himself, motioning for me to join him. So, I did.

I explained the whole story. How they looked like they had been dating or something and he was going for something she saw as inappropriate in public so she told him to stop. "He grabbed her anyway, Buck. I felt real awful so I said 'hey, wanna let her go?' and I don't think he took that too well... as per my black eye."

"He grabbed her, how?" He asked, genuinely concerned.

I blushed. "Well kinda like... she was walking away and he took her wrist and pulled her towards him and he sorta... like, grabbed her ass and kissed her... aggressively, ya know," I explained bashfully.

He hesitated, "oh... okay," he said, finally. He leaned back and relaxed on the couch, then quickly sat back up and looked at me. "Oh, shit, Steve..." he stood, "I was so invested in the story I-" he headed for the kitchen, "I completely forgot to ask you if you needed ice for your face." He reached into the freezer, "peas and carrots okay?"

I smiled, "yea, that'll have to do." He strutted back towards the couch where I was seated and kneeled before me. He paused and I couldn't help but think about... well, all that stuff I reeeeeally shouldn't be thinking about.

His eyes narrowed as he concentrated on placing the cool package on my cut up purple eye; he even stuck his tongue out between his lips.

Now I'm just sitting here with one eye beaten shut and the other lusting over his soft-looking pink lips and tongue... over those narrow, icey blue eyes. His hand resting hotly on my thigh and using it as leverage. It wasn't even just on my knee... it was kinda getting close to... well.

God, why the hell am I thinking about this? I'm just... zoning out. I'm letting myself wander into uncharted territory here, thinking about him like that. Like that. He's so close, I can feel his heat... almost like his and my own energies have merged and are surging through the both of us simultaneously.

Ugh, I want to kiss him. Shit, no I don't. Fuck, yea I do. Oh, I definitely do. Those supple lips... the bit of stubble on his face... man, what I would do.

He's right there too. Holding the cold bag of peas and carrots on me, it's basically an invitation. I'm sitting comfortably, legs spread and he's kneeling right there between them... ugh I have no idea what the hell is happening to me.

I look at him and warmth pushes through my veins. Up to my face, heating up my cheeks and putting my very noticeable blush on display. Like a streak of lightning across my chest, a pang of feelings rushed in that I've never felt before. Down to my abdomen and creating a knot in my stomach, like butterflies or how I would imagine the static on the radio would feel. Down, even lower, like a hot rush of blood pumping slowly into unmapped land. It's just this feeling of an overall pull towards him, something unbreakable and extraordinary.

A feeling of an overwhelmingly strong and perpetual desire that I just can't seem to shake, no mater how much it has kept me up each and every night.

He slowly removed the bag from my eye and looked at me, placing his finger on my face and inspecting its black and blue qualities. His eyes and facial expression revealed curiosity, though probably not in the way I had expected.

I, unexpectedly even to myself, reached up. It was subconscious, really. I grasped the back of his hand in mine from my face and held it. My breath escaped me. I felt my legs go weak, my lungs felt deflated, my eyes yearning for... something? Someone? Him? His lips on mine... more than that, eventually. God, I'm so incredibly and inexplicably horny.

"Buck," I whispered between labored gasps for the air that had left me. He kneeled up straighter and took my jaw in his palm. I found in searching his eyes that they held seemingly nothing but worry or curiosity or... maybe something a little more explicit... maybe?

"Shhh," he whispered, coming closer so bravely. I felt my eyes flicker between his eyes, down to his lips that were approaching ever so quickly.

He stopped right before me and exhaled, then pulled my face towards him. He kissed me and I kissed him back, even though I wasn't sure if it was right... I didn't care. I found myself grasping for his neck, inhaling deep and smelling that woody mix of mint and autumn... I pulled him in as close as I could get him.

He pulled away and looked at me for what felt like years. I heard him swallow as I noticed his right hand resting on my thigh for the first time in a while and his left hand on my face... I wanted more but I didn't know how to ask. How to act. What do I even say? So I just looked back at him longingly.

His eyes held the same yearning, I could see it. I could see his mere disappointment at the fact that there wasn't anything he could really do. Like a lone twinkling star in the dark abyss of space, like an endless gaping hole in the Earth, like the only cloud in the sky drifting in the way of the sun and casting a shade across the plains... there was nothing to fill his void but one thing and it seemed so far away.

I felt like we should have gone on, why did he stop? Did I do something wrong? Oh no, am I a terrible kisser? Shit.

He's gotten in my brain and I can't seem to be rid of him. It's like a thought or a feeling or something so intense that I'm not even sure if getting rid of it is what I want.

All this time knowing him and knowing how I really feel only to discover on accident one day that he and I both truly wanted something more.

Now all that was left was two idiots staring at one another in pure desire with nothing to do about it but wish.

—————

If only this was easier.

~ Steven G. R.