Steve's Diary

October 4, 1935

Dearest Diary,

I've been a free man for the last few weeks now and it's kind of terrible to be completely honest.

My mom doesn't want me to see Bucky anymore because he's a bad influence, but I highly disagree with that.

She figures that I'm just some stupid 17-year-old boy who can't do anything on his own.

I'm not. I'm not a kid anymore. I can handle myself. I know it.

That's why I've been going against what she's said. That's why I've been sneaking out every single goddamn night to see him.

Meet in the tree and go out, or just stay there and talk... or kiss. Not that it really matters either way because as long as I'm with him, I'm happy.

Anyway I'm going out again tonight with him. He told me he didn't wanna tell me where we'll be going so... I'm kinda super excited right now.

Usually we only go down the street and sit on the sidewalk where no one lives or to the side of my house or just in the tree.

I wonder what he's got planned this time...

—————

I'm dressed this time, you know, in normal people clothes and not my pajamas, a bath robe and slippers. Especially since it was starting to get colder outside, I needed to wear actual pants.

"Okay, So it ain't nothing special... but it's something different, that okay?" He asked.

"Yea, anything's fine by me Buck, you know that."

"Anything?" He proposed. That got me thinking about what he meant. I'm sure he had intended it to be a double entendre because... I probably took it the wrong way. He almost definitely meant anything as in anywhere. But I took it like... well. Anything.

Kiss me slowly, tell me you want me, say my name, dictate your every move, explain your deepest desire, lick me, hurt me, fuck me.

See?

Anyway, I just looked at him like he was the dumbass that he is and moved on with the conversation.

"Okay then. We're—" he started. His eyes bulged out of his head as he saw a group of two or three people that knew us approaching. "Shit Steve, c'mere."

He pulled me into a dark alleyway and we stood close to the cold brick wall as they passed us by. As he held me down with his arm across my chest, he stuck his head out to be sure that they were gone, which they were, then he announced that "it's clear."

I smiled as he came back over to me. "Sit," he commanded. I sat down on the old wooden crate behind me as he approached.

He stood between my legs and took my face in his hands. I gripped his waist as he pulled my face up for a kiss. "Mmm... it's been too long," he said.

"It's only been a day, Buck," I pointed out.

"Too long," he insisted and kissed me again. And again. And again. It got kinda messy, too. His tongue and mine, his lips and mine, his hands and... God his hands. They always knew just what to do.

They dragged slowly down to my neck and down my chest and stomach. I inhaled in as he went unexpectedly lower.

"Bucky..." I pulled away from him, his hands rested on my suspenders.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I- shit... I don't think I know what I'm doing."

"Stand up," he demanded. I stood and he walked to the wall, signaling me to go with him. "You talk. You walk. You eat. Those are all natural things. Normal, even. And this..." he walked closer. "This is normal too," he looked me up and down and I felt chills go down my spine.

I knew what I wanted. I just didn't know how to say it. So acting like I was confused seemed like the only way to stall. "I just... I don't know. I can't explain how I feel," I said, finally.

He moved closer and kissed me deep, putting his whole body into it and placing his left hand on my shoulder, pulling me in closer. I felt something warm, his hand, on my upper thigh. Then, his hand moved as he grabbed my crotch. I pulled my lips away immediately and bit my lip, helplessly trying to hold back my whimpers.

"Do you like that, Steve?" He asked. I stared at him blankly, unsure of what to say. He moved his hand a bit and started rubbing. "That feel good?" I couldn't find it in myself to speak, so I nodded vigorously. "Then there's nothing to be confused about."

He watched me as I fought back the feeling. It was undeniably there, but I wasn't sure of how willing I was to accept it just yet. I felt a pang of longing rush through my bones as he repositioned his fingers. I exhaled sharply as he continued and kissed me again.

And we went on like this. For what felt like forever.

At this point I was mumbling and moaning into his mouth and I could barely hold it in any longer. It was like waves of heat pushing through my veins and it was almost unbearable.

I moved my hand down from his chest and grabbed his wrist. He pulled away and looked at me, confused. I stared at him.

I was on edge. I was so fucking hard, holy shit. But I couldn't do it... not yet. Not like this.

"Buck..." I tried to control my erratic breathing. "I, uh... we should... uh, go..." I swallowed, "go home."

If I didn't know any better I would have thought he was upset, but it's just Bucky. He can have any dame he wants. I'm sure this is just some... I don't know. Some test run. A joke.

Some laboratory experiment.

—————

And we went home. My mom didn't catch me either.

It was a great night, really, it was.

Ugh, I don't know what I want. I do, however, know what I feel... even though I'm not so sure what I'm going to do with it yet.

I hope that's enough to guide me.
~ Steven G. R.