Steve's Diary

October 26, 1935

Dear Diary,

I didn't sleep at all last night.

I was too busy thinking. I don't even know what about anymore.

Him, maybe? I don't know. It's all too confusing.

It's a blur.

I've known him my whole life and for some reason it's like I don't even know him at all anymore. I don't know how else to explain it.

Imagine waking up every day for an entire year to the scent of freshly baked apple pie coming from the kitchen, getting up and having a warm, gooey slice. Then, one day, you take a bite and wipe your mouth only to find red spattered across the napkin. Not blood, though it might as well be, but something else. It's cherry pie today. Unexpected, yes, but only because you thought you knew the chef when, in fact, you didn't know him at all.

Bucky has been the only static thing in my life. A rock when I needed something stable. For so many years I was lost with nothing to hold onto if I had a little slip up... no one who was there for me through thick and thin.

And now?

Now I have him and he has me... at least that's where I thought we were going. Everything has changed. It went from being one thing to something completely different in a matter of seconds.

One, small action changed the course of our relationship and I don't know how to handle it.

Sure, I could embrace it. that would be the logical thing to do seeing how I, seemingly, feel the same way. But then I get this weirdly uncontrollable anxious feeling.

Like, instead of butterflies in my stomach... it's something much more daunting. Like birds, or bees.

Honestly, I think I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of what's coming, of what I cannot foresee.

And there is so much coming.

So much I cannot foresee.

So much I wish I knew, yet... I don't.

If only he could know.

If only I could tell him.

The problem is, I can't.

—————

I woke up to someone knocking obnoxiously loud at the front door. I sat up and rubbed my eyes so I could see the clock across the room, though it was no use seeing how it was blurry anyway.

- 6:48 -

Who could possibly be knocking at our door so early? I mean, come on. If you're out this early, do you even have a life?

Ugh, mom's not home. Now I gotta get up and get the door myself.

I throw the covers off myself and look down at myself. Boner. Great. I sit up and get a head rush from sitting up too fast. Fantastic. Then, I slowly slide my feet into my slippers and pull on my fluffy robe, so I'd stay warm seeing how I was only in my boxers... and to hide the boner... but mostly to stay warm.

I shuffle across my tiny room and creak open the old wooden door leading me out into the hallway.

Another knock at the door.

"Ugggggh..." I groaned. Knock knock... knock, I heard again. "Okay okay!" I shouted loud enough for the person on the other side to hear me. "Curb your enthusiasm. I'm coming!" I added.