Steve's Diary

July 16, 1939

Dearest Diary,

Doctor Erskine took the time to further explain to me what the hell was happening the other day. Apparently, they're doing some sort of experiment on a 'worthy man', or whatever, to make the perfect soldier.

I wouldn't call myself perfect, not in any sense of the word, despite what Bucky tells me.

Bucky.

... He said it might hurt, too, and that there was risk of it going wrong. But, thinking about it, there has to have been a valid reason as to why they picked me, right? I mean, they wouldn't want it to fail on purpose...

I don't really know what to do, if I'm being honest. I know they picked me for a reason but the Doctor said I don't have to do it, even though he made it obvious to me that I was the clear choice among the others.

I had asked him how that was possible. I compared myself to them in my own head and then with him in person. What about Hodge, I had asked. He seems perfect, at least more than I ever could be. He's strong and follows along and does everything right, I'd told him. He told me Hodge wasn't the kind of man they were looking for... and I hadn't understood what he meant. He said he'd explain later.

I asked him to tell me more about what the procedure would entail and he said I shouldn't worry too much about it because it was quick, despite the possibility of pain. He told me that another reason why I was picked was because of my obvious ability to deal with the potential pain... whatever that meant.

Ugh, I wish Bucky was here so I could go through with this ten times easier. I know he'd be able to help me decide... well, actually, now that I think about it... I feel like if he knew about this, he would literally kill me. In other words, he'd want me to stay just as I am today.

I know he would only want me to be safe... to stay as I am and never change but, I don't know if I can do that forever. I can't rely on him to take care of me for my whole life, right? I mean, that just sounds insane. I couldn't ask him to do that.

I think I might need to change, if I may be so bold.

Anyway, one thing I really want is to see him one more time before I do this... almost like a last chance to say goodbye to him and to us and to what we have always been and to who I am right now, even though I know that'll never happen. I know it's too much to ask for, more time, but I still crave it.

There's so much I want and so much I can't have.

I want a future for us, more time like this with him, for this experiment to work, to win this war for my country... God, the glory that would come with that. If only there was a way to have all of that. If only there was a way for me to stop everything for a few years but live on as I am, untouched.

I know that's never going to be possible, though.

I know this is now or never.

I think it's an opportunity I'm going to have to take.

~ S. R.