Steve's Diary

December 7, 1943

Dear Diary,

It feels like the end of a terrible era has arrived. It's finally he and I all over again, even though it doesn't feel quite the same.

Somehow, I almost expected it to. I expected to see him again and everything to revert back to normal - back to what it was. 

Though, it's not even that it's a little bit of a change. Now, it's almost as if nothing is the same. Looking back at it, I don't think it ever will be. I lost that chance the second I signed up for this... experiment. 

—————

I told them not to disturb us. 

I told Peggy to keep all of them away from our tent because I needed to talk to him - my oldest friend. He was someone I needed to just talk to for just a moment and accept the fact that he was truly there and that he hadn't actually died like I had thought.

And, so, he sat there across the way from me silently. We exchanged these strange glances that, somehow, didn't really mean anything at all.

I just needed to see him - to look at him. I needed to hear his voice and smile and see how quickly his face changed in an instant in response to my everything.

The sound of nothing seemed to envelope us in a bubble that was all our own and completely impenetrable. 

I finally opened my mouth to say something and, by the looks of it, he had to have seen me telegraph because he then did the same. 

"Steve- you don't ne-"

"What do you mean I don't need to say anything?" I anticipated what he was going to say before he'd even said it. "Of course I do. I love you. There's so much I have to tell you," I told him. "It's been nearly four years. How do you expect me to sit here in silence with the man I thought was gone forever?"

"Well, I-"

"You know I thought you were dead, don't you? And when I saw you strapped to that table and, God, it was almost worse. The only thing that made all those lost years worth it was the look on your face when you finally realized it was me... ugh, how long I waited to hear my name fall from your lips again."

He bit his lip. "Steve- you remember what I told you before I left?"

"Yea, you-"

"Good. And, what, I was gone for all of twenty-four hours? Then you decided to make a really, really risky decision. You know damn well if I'd've been there I would ha-"

"Have kicked my ass and knocked some sense into me. Yea, I know you all too well. That's why I wanted to make a decision for myself by myself for once without thinking about anyone else, not even you. Though, look where that's landed me," I said, looking down at myself in my dark blue underwear and a white wife beater.

"Trust me, I'm looking," he replied, looking at me all over. 

"That's not what I mean, Buck," I chuckled. "I mean..." I continued, crawling over to where he was sitting. "I mean, I want to feel like I did the first few times we were like this."

"What do you- like what?" he asked. 

"In a tent all alone. You remember, don't you?"

"How could I forget?" he replied with a smirk.

I smiled. "I want to feel that when I'm with you, but, somehow, I don't anymore."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, you certainly can't hold me in your arms anymore, Buck. I can't fit there anymore because, well, I'm bigger than you. By a lot."

He didn't say anything. It seemed almost like that was something he hadn't even considered until I had mentioned it. 

"Well, I- I guess I hadn't ever really thought about that," he admitted, looking down at his comparatively smaller self.

"Look at me," I told him, pulling his face up to look at me with my finger under his chin. I let my eyes meander all across his face and linger on his pink lips. I slipped my hand behind his neck and brought his mouth right up to mine, keeping my eyes low and listening to his breath hitch. 

He tried to move closer so that he might kiss me like we did all those years ago. I felt that strange energy fill the air like a tension that was specific to our unique scenario: the fact that we haven't kissed one another in four years. 

"Maybe, now, we'll have to switch things up a little bit," I whispered to him, finally pushing my lips onto his and plunging my tongue into his mouth.

He mumbled into my lips before grabbing onto me himself and trying to get on top of me, but I refused to move. Instead, I pushed him over. I heard him inhale sharply at the weight of my ribs between his hips.

His calloused hands crept under my shirt and made their way over my new body. I, then, let my hands wander down the sides of his body for a moment longer before I sat up and got off of him completely.

His eyes opened slowly before he finally sat up. I looked over him and caught eye of his raging hard on before looking down at my own.

"Look at you, Stevie," he murmured.

"Hmm?" I hummed.

"This new body it's incredibly powerful in so many ways. Physically and mentally I, I mean look at you. Your whole demeanor has changed," he said as he couldn't stop smiling. "And you're so... strong and muscle bound and... tall."

I loved seeing him like this. It makes me feel like  we hadn't;t been apart all that long and that all was good in the world. It was like it was just us and this tent and that was all that was to remain until the very end.

"So, Buck, I guess you'll be the one looking up to me now, huh?"

"Oh, Stevie, don't you see? I always looked up to you."

—————

He's always looked up to me? Why, because I was dumb enough to get myself beat up in alleyways every other day?

~ Steve Rogers