Steve's Diary

June 7, 1936

Dearest Diary,

Okay, what? We've gotten so fucking close and today Bucky is just the bearer of bad news.

I mean this really just sucks.

—————

It was just an average Sunday afternoon when it happened. When he told me the worst news I've heard in a long time.

I was at home and Bucky had called saying he was going on vacation and, don't get me wrong, that's totally awesome, but it was kinda random.

He came over and as I let him in I noticed something about him was off. His attitude was off, he didn't seem like his normal happy self.

"Steve, fuck...... Steve, I'm really sorry," he whispered into my ear as he jerked me into a tight hug. My mom was napping in her room so she didn't see but, what was up with him?

"Buck, what is it?" I asked, concerned.

He pulled out of the hug and his eyes were kinda reddening. Is he... crying? He looked away from me. "My dad and Rebecca and I are going away... we're going on vacation, I mean."

"What's there to be upset about then? You'll be back," I responded.

"I just... we're going to some beach in New Jersey and we're staying there for a month..." he looked back into my eyes, "I'm gonna miss your 18th birthday," he said.

I just looked at him. We had a whole day in the city planned out, going biking and to bars because I would finally drink and going to the park... but now we couldn't do any of that. Shit.

"Oh....." I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I'm so, so sorry, Steve," he whispered.

I faked a smile. "It's alright. I get it."

"No, Steve.... fuck, it's not okay," he pulled me in and hugged me with everything he had. I wrapped my arms around him and felt at home. I was so lost in that moment that I nearly forgot that he was leaving. "Just know, I'll be thinking about you the whole time. Wishing I was with you every day, especially on July fourth... I'll think of you. Don't ever forget that. No matter what happens, Steve, you'll always be with me because I refuse to let myself forget you... I'll always remember you, Steve, know that." I smiled to myself and hugged him harder. "I'll call you," he said, starting to pull away. "On your birthday, I mean."

"Okay," I answered.

"So.... goodbye, I guess... see you in a month," he said, sounding upset.

"Just a month, Buck. Only thirty some odd days... no biggie. It'll make for a great reunion when you finally do come back."

He smiled. "Steven Grant Rogers over here ladies and gentlemen always seeing the upside to things." He moved closer, the smile fading. "Alright, I'll see ya..." he brought his head down to my level and planted a small kiss on my lips and held it. I grasped his lapel in attempts to keep him there with me.

A few short seconds later, he was gone. Out of sight and in his dad's care on his way to New Jersey and leaving me behind.

—————

I hate this. I hate that he's left me behind and that there's nothing I can do about it.

This does tell me, though, how grateful I am to have him.

At least I know he'll be thinking of me just as much as I will be thinking of him.

In the end, this is showing me how terrible I would feel if I ever lost him... God, I would hate myself if I ever did...

~ Steven Grant Rogers