Steve's Diary

January 18, 1938

Dearest Diary,

I mean seriously, can I catch a break? Allow me to answer that for you- no, I can't.

It's always something. Whether it be some dame all over Bucky or me getting myself in trouble or... pneumonia, there's never any time to relax.

Oh, yea... I have pneumonia.

—————

"You gotta lay down; this is the only way you'll get better," Bucky told me as I tried to sit up in my bed.

"But, Buck-" I coughed. "I'm," I coughed again and couldn't stop.

"Steve."

"No, Bucky... I'm feeling bet-" I coughed, "better."

"Sure you are, lay down," he said, pushing my shoulders down to the bed gently.

I reluctantly laid down and crossed my arms. "I'm not a kid anymore, I can get by on my own... I know what I'm doing," I struggled to say between coughing fits.

"You're sure as hell acting like one, trying to get out of bed in this condition," he replied.

"But-"

"No more excuses, Steve. You're sick, therefore, you stay in bed. No more but this but that blah blah blah. Your health is far more important than whatever point you're trying to prove."

I took a deep and wheezy breath in, "Bucky I wasn't trying to prov-"

"Don't. Don't go there, Steve. Don't try to be some big tough guy who refuses to acknowledge when he's sick. And don't you dare make me find out what it feels like to be without you," he practically yelled at me, his eyes getting glassy.

There was a long pause.

"You won't have to, Buck, it'll be fine. I got meds from the doctor, okay?" I reassured him.

"Still..."

"This is gonna work, Buck," I told him, holding up the pill container.

"I know it is," he said reluctantly. "It better... 'cause I don't know what I'm gonna do if it doesn't," he continued, looking into my eyes with a tear rolling down his cheek.

I smiled at him and at his concern, reaching up and wiping the tear away.

His hand met my forehead. "You feel hot, hold on..." he got up and walked away for a moment before coming back with an ice filled cloth. "Here," he held it to my head.

"What, no peas and carrots this time?" I asked, jokingly. He smiled and laughed at my stupidity.

After a moment of silence I decided to take a leap of faith. "Lay here with me, please..." I finally said, patting the bed to my left.

He smiled and walked around the bed to lay with me. "Only for a few minutes," he said, taking off his shoes and getting under the covers.

I scooted myself over to his shoulder and placed my head on it, laying my arm across his warm, hard chest and sprawling my leg on top of his lower abdomen. His arms wrapped around me, like a hug, and before we knew it, we were sleeping.

—————

It's hard having a life like this, though it may not appear that way.

I can't live without him, but as the years pass on it's seeming more and more likely that I'll eventually have to learn how to.

I'm not ready for loss, in any sense of the word.

Bucky and his touch are like unicorn blood. I need it to survive... to give me life, but even then it's only a half life. It's like no matter how hard I try to keep us together, there will always be something fighting against us.

Today it's pneumonia. But being the way we are... being gay, in today's world? It's simply a matter of time.

The only question now is; how much time do we have left?

~ Steve Rogers