Steve's Diary

July 24, 1939

Dear Diary,

Everything just got a lot more real for me and I'm not so sure how I feel about it just yet...

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I was sitting on my bed late at night just thinking. I couldn't find it in myself to lay down, close my eyes and drift away into a dream world while reality was more fascinating to me. My real life felt like a dream, so why sleep?

The barracks had been emptied out and I was all alone. They did this on purpose, I think, so that I wouldn't be distracted and unable to sleep all night. Though, I can't seem to relax anyway...

I heard the door creak open with a knock. I looked up and it was Doctor Erskine.

"May I?" he asked, waiting for my approval.

"Yea."

"Can't sleep?" he asked as he approached me, sitting down on the bed across from me. 

"Got the jitters, I guess," I admitted as he chuckled. And, it was true. The one thing I need to relax, or, the one person I need to relax... just wasn't there. I know Bucky would know just what to say to calm me down. He always does, doesn't he?

He held up a bottle of alcohol and placed down two small glasses. "Me too." I looked at him, unsure of myself.

I waited a moment, thinking about all of it. "Can I ask you a question?" I finally came out and asked. 

"Just one?" he came back, making me wonder what he meant as he sat down on the bed across from me. Just one, as in... there was only one doubt I had in all of this? Should I have more worries?

"Why me?" I questioned, after a short pause.

He waited a moment, as if he was thinking about what he would say. "I suppose that is the only question that matters," he started, waiting again and twiddling with the bottle in his hand. "This is from Augsburg, my city... so many people forget that the first country the Nazi's invaded was their own. After the first war, they- my people struggled. They felt weak, they felt small. Then Hitler comes along with the marching and the big show and the flags and the- the..." he took a deep breath in.

"He he- hears of me... of my work and he finds me and he says 'you' he says 'you will make us strong'. Well, I am not interested," I watched him place the bottle down on the ground and looks back at me. "So, he sends the head of Hydra, his research division, a brilliant scientist by the name of Johann Schmidt. Now, Schmidt is a member of the inner circle, and he's ambitious. He and Hitler share a passion for occult power and Teutonic myth. Hitler uses his fantasies to inspire his followers... but, for Schmidt, it is not fantasy. For him, it is real."

"He has become convinced that there is a great power hidden in the Earth, left here by the Gods... waiting to be ceased by a superior man." he continues. "So, when he hears about my formula and what it can do, he cannot resist... Schmidt must become that superior man."

"Did it make him stronger?" I asked the Doctor.

"Yea...  but there were other effects... the serum was not ready. But more important, the man. The serum amplifies everything that is inside so, good becomes great... bad becomes worse," he paused. "This is why you were chosen. Because a strong man who has known power all his life may lose respect for that power, but a weak man knows value of strength and knows compassion."

"Thanks, I think," I replied. He smiled at me and pointed at the glasses so that I might grab them for him. He bent over and grabbed the bottle.

"Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing," he said while he poured some of the alcohol into each glass. "That you will stay who you are," he continued, capping the bottle and putting it back on the floor. "Not a perfect soldier, but a good man," he smiled at me, pointing at my heart in my chest as I smiled back. 

"To the little guys," I said, raising my glass to him. He laughed as we clinked glasses. I brought the glass to my face and went for a sip.

"No, no, wait, wait, what am I doing?" He put his hand between my glass and my face. "You have procedure tomorrow. No fluids."

He took it from me and poured its contents into his glass. "Alright, we'll drink it after," I proposed.

"No, I don't have procedure tomorrow. Drink it after," he shrugged. "Drink it now," he downed the whole glass. He looked at it like it was good.

Then, he stood and said he'd let me be so that I might get some sleep.

—————

The only problem was, I wasn't able to sleep anyway. There was too much in my mind.

I didn't want to end up like Johann Schmidt... what if, under it all, I really was a bad person? Am I fooling myself when I allow myself to believe that I'm a good person?

I just hope that this is all for the best.

~ S. Rogers