Steve's Diary

October 29, 1936

Dear Diary,

I hope today is better than the last few days were... I just don't know how much more of this suffering I can take.

—————

The ride to the orchard wasn't that bad, but it made it a little worse knowing that we were only doing this as a distraction.

I step out of the Buick onto the loose dirt path and walk alongside Bucky to to orchard entrance. Everywhere you look are fields of green and ripening trees, nothing like the city by any means.

His fingers brushed on my hand and I felt something. I looked up at him but he wasn't paying me any mind. It was a simple touch, but it meant so much. It was like the beginning all over again. I felt a spark travel up my hand and through my chest, pulling the air away from my lungs.

After he bought the tickets we headed out to the farthest field there was... all the way at the end.

The best part about this was that no one was around and we could talk as loud as we wanted and do whatever we want and... well, I'll leave the rest to the imagination.

Bucky and I walked down the aisle of trees in silence, a cool zephyr pushing against us. Despite it being October, it was a relatively warm day as I only really needed a small jacket.

He stopped and looked at the green branches that extended over my head. Hesitating a second, he then reached up, over me, and took hold of a bright red apple. He was so close I could smell that woody peppermint scent that was so evidently his.

My mind was sent somewhere else... somewhere where we were together as close as two people physically can be. Camping. Kissing and touching and... wow, I forgot how amazing that was.

The tree quivered as he plucked it down off the branch. A leaf or two fell but he wasn't really paying attention...

"Wanna... uh, sit down?" He asked carefully.

"I mean, yea..." I answered, sitting down under a low apple tree. He kneeled in front of me, apple in hand, his elbows resting on his knees.

He just looked at me for a moment, taking everything in. His eyes wandered along my face and I felt me cheeks reddening, temporarily forgetting about my sorrows. "C'mere," I said with a smile. He looked almost surprised yet relieved that I initiated for once.

I extended my hand and he put the apple in it. I looked at it in confusion, seeing how I really wanted to take his hand. Before I could say anything though, his lips were on mine in broad daylight. It was so freeing to do this out here.

I pulled away but he grabbed my neck instantly and pulled me back up to him. I felt blood rush down my veins as he hummed into my mouth. his fingers pulled lightly at my hair as I let his tongue into my mouth.

He pulled away and a string of saliva connected our lips. I heard my own breath release harshly from my lungs.

I nearly said something but he interrupted me. "I know," he whispered. "It's been... a while."

I sat back and held the apple in front of me, running my fingers across its smooth skin and dipping them into its crevices.

I changed my focus from the apple to his eyes and noticed that he was watching my fingers, so I kept on. He licked his lips and looked into my eyes.

I moved the apple closer to him and he hovered his mouth over it. Then his lips came down on it, almost like a kiss, before he bit a piece out of it and moaned just barely loud enough for me to hear it.

I heard him swallow and saw him slowly close his eyes as he leaned in to bite the apple again, so I seized the opportunity to move the apple out of the way and kiss him. His eyes shot open, but he kept on letting the kiss get deeper.

And so that kind of turned into hours of soft little kisses among deep meaningful ones under an apple tree.

But then, I started crying.

Leave it to me to ruin everything, always.

"Steve, oh god, Steve what's going on?" He asked quietly. The sun was going down and the sky was fading into a dark reddish purple color; had we really been there that long?

"I- I don't know... fuck, I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"Don't be... its not your fault, what happened."

"How? How can it not be my fault when I feel like it couldn't be anyone else's but mine?" I nearly yelled, breaking out of all bounds.

"Steve calm do-"

"No! Bucky, I can't! This is on me! She died while I was taking care of her, you don't understand... I have to live with my last memory of her..." I choked up a little bit. "My last memory of her was her death... I can't get that out of my head! She didn't even get to finish saying that she loved me..."

He didn't say anything, he just pulled me into a hug and held me there for what felt like forever.

—————

It was then that I realized that it would take time to feel better.

I realize that it's not my fault, now, abs that there wasn't much more that I could have done to save her.

It all ended up exactly the way it was supposed to be... and I can't be mad at myself for that.

~ Steve Rogers