Steve's Diary

January 20, 1939

Dearest Diary,

It's a new year. I tell myself that this is supposed to be a happy time, and not a sad one but... I Fin it hard to remember that sometimes.

I mean, I see something looming in the future. Not just my future but our future. By our, I don't even really mean just Bucky and me... I mean the bigger picture us.

All of us.

—————

"What do you think?" Bucky asked me as I stared at him blankly. To be honest, I really hadn't expected him to come over to me and flat out say that. Of all things to say... Christ.

I waited. I waited because I didn't trust myself with words right now, with speaking. I was afraid I would say something rash or, frankly, stupid. I always did that.

"Steve?" He said, probably wondering why I had spaced out for God knows how long.

"Sorry, uh... I- I don't actually know what to think, Buck. It's kinda... weird to think about, honestly," I told the truth.

"Well, how do you mean?" He questioned, his facial expression changing to a look of doubt.

"It's just, I don't know h- it's not that I don't think it'll be beneficial for the greater good, because it definitely is for a good cause... I just don't know what I would do with myself if-"

"Don't. Don't go there, Steve. I didn't mean for this to- just don't think about it that way," he tried to sway me.

"I'm not upset, Buck, I'm just weighing all the factors of this," I interrupted. "Don't you see what's happening? Gosh, haven't you been listening to the radio lately? Things are changing, and not at all for the best."

"What do you mean?" he interjected.

"Did you hear what Roosevelt did today?

"No... Steve, what happened?" He sounded concerned.

"He just... well, he asked congress for, at minimum, five-hundred-twenty-five million dollars immediately for Defense for the United States Military," I announced.

He looked at me, expressionless. "And?"

"Aaaaaand... that's a big issue, Buck. If you can't see it, then I don't know how to convince you to... but, something is going really, really wrong in the world right now. Our military is increasing in size and with all this money there's bound to be more machinery and people and I can't help but notice that everyone is going crazy and..... I can tell that something is up. Something more than either of us could ever imagine an-"

"And that's why I need to do this," he yelled over me. "That's wh-"

"There's a war out there!" I yelled louder. "I can see it coming," I said more calmly. "You can't- Bucky. It's too dangerous for y-"

"That's where you're wrong. I mean, you should do it too, Steve. What's there to lose?"

"What's to lose?" I scoffed, offended. "My father died fighting in a war for this country. I can't let you die too. I can't let you enlist, like he did... put yourself in danger like that. I know this is something you want and I know you're only trying to be the best person you can b-"

"I am, you're right. I said it before, I'll say it again... you should enlist t-"

"Stop saying that, okay?" I came back, somewhat angrily. "You know damn well they won't let me enlist."

"You can at least try it, you know? See if they'll make an acceptation."

"They won't. All the more reason why you should stay. If I'm not out there with you and something happens to only one of us, do you know how detrimental that would be? I might as well be dead if you are."

Silence.

His eyes seemed to get glossy with the tears he refused to let fall... the ones he refused to let me see. He tried to act strong, but that wall he held up looked like it was about to come crashing down any second.

"It was only an idea... a mere thought. I- I wasn't planning to- I don't even think I'll do it because- you're right. You're right. I'm sorry, Steve. I'm sorry. I won't- I won't enlist," he finally said.

"No... I don't wan't you to be sorry for something that's not in your control. I would absolutely tell you to go for it if I could do it with you, you know that," I added.

"You would?"

"Yea, Buck. I know this is something you've wanted for- like, ever. We talked about it a while back. But hey, if I magically wake up one day with nothing wrong, we'll walk to the Military Entrance Processing Station together and enlist at the same time."

He chuckled, "you're too much sometimes, you know that?"

I felt myself smile, "I do."

"C'mere," he whispered, pulling me into a warm embrace. "Don't you worry, you hear me, Steve?" he murmured into my ear. "Don't you worry one bit."

—————

And, of course, I really did try not to worry.

He said he wouldn't enlist and for that I felt forever grateful... yet, somehow, something still felt out of my control.

Something was seemingly still... wrong.

The more I think about it, actually, the more I realize what the problem is. Er, the hypothetical problem. If I was right, about this war, that is, then... then there's going to be a draft.

I feel like there really is no escaping that.

~ S. R.