Steve's Diary

June 2, 1937

Dear Diary,

Today is the best and worst day of my life... allow me to explain.

—————

It's my first day out of the house since God knows when. Though the thought of him and our life together is still unbearable, I think I'm finally starting to feel better.

I have my shopping list in hand and am reading it over:

Milk
Eggs
Sugar
Cereal
Bread
Orange Juice

"Shit-" I whispered to myself as I looked up.

Is that...? No, it can't be. Oh my god it is. Its Bucky.

I felt a sharp pang in my chest as if my heart had skipped a beat when I saw him and... and some red head. Who is she and why the hell are they holding hands?

He hadn't seen me yet... he was looking at her, whoever she is. He was awfully close to her too, being in public and all. They were just standing there leaning against a mailbox chatting.

She catches my eye. It's Delores. She smiles and I look away and walk away from them as fast as possible.

I turned around for some reason and watched her tap his shoulder in what felt like slow motion. She pointed at me and said something and before I could look away we made eye contact. He smiled

I stopped in my tracks.

This was it, wasn't it? This is the end of the line. We've been together all these years - inseparable - as friends as... more than that, and now what? We're just acquaintances that smile at one another on the street.

His face contorted in confusion as he must have seen the terror in my eyes. I let his raw blue eyes fill my soul and send chills down the back of my neck for the slightest moment just to feel something other than sadness. I felt somehow numb and filled with bitter cold as he smiled... it was like I didn't know who he was anymore, like he was a ghost.

I felt the familiar prickle of tears in my eyes so I darted back the way I came, pushing people out of the way and running faster than I ever thought possible. I felt my lungs working their very hardest to keep me going... I couldn't let them give out on me. Not now... not while he could still be watching.

I look behind me and don't see him anywhere but I keep running nonetheless. I knew if I stopped I wouldn't be able to make it home... I knew I would break down right then and there for anyone to see.

I fumbled with my keys when I finally made it to my front door. When I finally got it open I pushed through it, slammed it shut behind my back, and slid down to the floor resting my face in my hands.

My whole body was shaking. I had cried for so long and my hands were so drenched in my own sorrow that it got to the point where no more tears fell from my face.

I wanted to stay locked away in my house until... infinity. It was just too difficult for me to see him or to think of him or to do anything without him.

First I lost my mother and now I've lost Bucky, too. The only two people I ever really loved are gone. God, I'm so alone. I've never felt more alone in my entire life.

—————

It's like everything I knew about us was a lie.

He's with Delores now? How is that even real?

I would say I regret it all... that I wish we never met- but that would be the farthest thing from the truth.

~ S. R.