Steve's Diary

December 21, 1935

Dear Diary,

How do I begin.

Honestly though, at this point it's a common theme that I don't know where to start, so I just will (as I always do).

It's Bucky... but when isn't it?

It's just the thought of him. There's something different in my mind nowadays when I think about him. Something surreal. Something... I don't know, alive.

He makes me feel like I never have before. I was always that sick kid. That boy who was ugly and gross and sick and no one ever wanted to be around. Then along came Bucky. He looked at me like no one else dared to. He wanted me like no one else did. He was my friend, even when no one else wanted to be.

If only there were more good people in the world like him.

I look at him and I see the kind of person I aspire to be. I look up to him. Really, I do. It's like he's so high up there... he's in the clouds and I'm just looking up at him with my feet on the ground.

Then come these... feelings.

These things I can't control... This uncontrollable desire to be close to him.

My heart always told me to go. To do it. That this is a one time deal and I should dare to be different. That this feeling right here and now that I'm experiencing is something people spend their entire lives searching for and it would be a disgrace to waste it.

Then my brain would always manage to get in the way. It's wrong, it's illegal. You can't feel like this towards another man. You simply should not feel this way, period.

But I do. Oh, God, I do. And I'm so, so deep into it. I don't even see any point in evading it now. It's useless.

I love him.

I could say it over and over and over again; the butterflies in my stomach would never get old.

I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him.

I love him immensely, indefinitely and irrevocably and there's nothing a law can do to change that.

What's done is done, and there's no stopping it. I shouldn't even bother trying... after all, let bygones be bygones.

It'll only grow from here and I don't see it ceasing at any point in the near future, if at all.

And so, I think I've finally come to a realization about my feelings. As, before, it was just a doubt. It was an unimportant twinkle in my eye. Now? I wish I knew all that time what I was missing out on.

~ S. G. R.