Steve's Diary

August 13, 1937

Dear Diary,

Just when I thought things were starting to get better they had to go and get worse.

—————

The phone rings.

"Who the hell... it's," I check the clock, "Jesus, it's 3 in the morning," I whispered to myself. I stumble to my feet in a groggy, sleep-like state and pick up the phone still half asleep.

"Hello?" I answer, annoyedly. No answer. I wait a moment... heavy breathing.

"St- eve?" The voice sounded distraught.

"Bucky?" I realized he was crying, "Oh my God, are you okay?"

"N- no.... can I come over?" He asked.

"Of course," I assured him.

"Okay," he hung up.

I couldn't stop thinking about him after that. The whole while it took him to get there I was consumed with thoughts of how broken he sounded. How little his voice was... something terrible must have happened and I'm not so sure I'm equipped to help him with it right now.

I was waiting by the door when he knocked.

I opened it and he fell into my arms. I tried to hold him up but I couldn't... we slowly lowered to the ground and I kicked the door shut.

I stroked his shoulder and neck and head but he wouldn't calm down. I tried to lull him down from this ever so obvious distress, but there was no way.

"Bucky, what's wrong?" Nothing.

"Bucky? What's happened?" Nothing.

"Is it Rebecca?" Nothing.

"Buck, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." Nothing.

"God damn it Barnes, tell me what's the matter and maybe I can help you. Please, Bucky, that's all I ask of you."

"It's dad an- and Rebecca...." he stammered.

"What about them?" I asked, concerned.

"Rebecca she- she's fine, don't worry but he..... my dad he- oh God, Steve! He's gone! In his sleep he- And I- well, I can't care for Rebecca myself or so he says in his will..." he paused. "She's being sent to a boarding school  in upstate New York until she's an 'adult' and can decide for herself because apparently I'm not apt to do so for her... I'm just some dumbass kid from Brooklyn, right? I get to lose my father and my dear little sister in one night! And her too, huh? What about her? How does she feel, losing her father and her brother in one day? A little girl needs a father figure in her life and now she's got nothing. No one. Shit, Steve, what do I do?" He started balling again.

I didn't know what to say so I hugged him tighter. I let him cry until nothing would fall from his cheeks anymore... get all the emotions out.

"I know what it's like to lose someone... to feel so desperately that they need you to stay strong, yet to fail all the same," he looked up at me like he knew exactly what I meant. His eyes were red and he looked defeated.

"How can I avoid this? How do I move on and forget about it? I- I just want to get back to normal, Steve, please..." he begged me.

"You can't," I told him. "Dread it, run from it, death still arrives... and now it's here," I paused. "Or should I say, so am I... Bucky, I'm here for you 'til the end of the line. Death doesn't chose between the good and the bad it just takes and it takes and it takes. All we have now is each other, do you understand? It's me and you. You had me through my rough times and now I'll be here for you through yours. Don't worry about a thing, Buck, okay? I've got you. I've got you until the bitter end," I assured him.

I saw him smile. I saw that little flicker of hope in his eyes and that showed me that there was in fact hope for him... for us.

—————

He's gonna get better. I know he is... he's stronger than me; he's stronger than anyone I know. He can overcome this. I know he can. He has to... if not, well then there's no hope for any of the rest of us, now is there?

Anyway, we sat there on the floor until sun up. I watched it rise through the window and cast its golden rays across me and my own little ball of sunshine... or, whatever it is he's become.

As the moon tucked itself below the horizon and the sun crawled its way nonchalantly up the lightening sky, I noticed the symbolism in all of it.

The sun being his and my recovery over losing someone... over an unavoidable death. The whole 'slowly moving on' like everyone tells us to do -like I tell myself to do- despite the fact that I feel as though I can't or I shouldn't.

The moon represents the demons we can't seem to shake... the ones we hide most of the time because, well, we can't deal with showing them to everyone we meet during the 'day'. We never really lose our demons, do we? I suppose we only learn to live above them.

~ Steve Rogers