Steve's Diary

November 7, 2016

Dear Diary,

I can't believe today is actually here.

I mean, I spent so much time wishing they'd find a cure before today came, but that never happened. Sure, we spent every minute with one another everyday leading up to this, but it still doesnt feel like it's been enough.

I need more, despite the fact that it'll just make this pain even worse.

—————

I woke up at 6:00am so I had enough time to say goodbye and get ready for whatever may be ahead of us.

I approached his bed in the other room, placing my hand on his right shoulder, and gently woke him up. "Bucky... Buck..."

"Mmmm... Morning," he replied groggily.

We got dressed, brushed our teeth, showered and then waited for the clock to strike 6:45am so we could start heading to the tech room. We were waiting at the door.

"This reminds me-"

"I know what you're gonna say," he interrupted. "But, it's not the same, Steve. There's no way I'm falling thousands of feet into the Alps this time- there isn't even a train in sight!" he laughed.

"That's not what I meant," I chuckled. "It's just this," I motioned for the door. "This is the way we were that early morning in London. If we would have just stayed in bed and waited for the next lead, it may have ended differently, is all."

"But this is how we are now, and I think this is just what was meant to happen, too," he corrected me. "There's nothing to worry about this time, Steve. I'm in good hands."

"Just- c'mere," I told him, grabbing at his neck and pulling his lips to me.

I felt his tongue dip into my mouth immediately, and it really did feel like a goodbye this time, comparatively.

After a few minutes of perfection like this, I felt him pull away.

"We have to go, Steve," he told me.

"We will," I agreed. "Two more minutes.

He kissed me again and it felt like hours... but then we left. And I knew I wouldn't know when I'd kiss him next.

That was the worst of it.

We walked into the room they designated to us at 7:00am, just as we'd been told to.

"Good morning," T'Challa greeted us. "Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be," Bucky replied. "Though, there's something I have to ask of you, if that's alright."

"Anything," he responded instantly.

"This arm," he motioned for the metal one. "I nearly lost it fighting Tony in Siberia. Not to mention that it's a constant reminder of who I once was and no longer wish to be. I can't stand to look at it anymore."

"I see," T'Challa came back, seemingly thinking of a solution. "We actually have been thinking of that and started manufacturing a new one for you. It has a new design, so you won't have to worry about being reminded of the memories. As for this one, we'll have to take it off."

"I don't think it's that simple," Bucky said. "I'm no mechanic and I definitely don't know how they built it... but I have feeling in it. I can feel when someone touches it or when I touch something- that's what makes it so realistic and allows it to work so well. You can't just cut it off... I'd be in excruciating pain."

He nodded. "This is why the new arm will be wired connectively so that this is not an issue in the future. As for now, though, we'll have to find a way to turn the sensors off before cutting it off entirely. We'll destroy it after so that it'll be impossible to replicate."

"Alright, sounds good," Bucky agreed. "When do we begin?"

"Right now," Shuri cut in, walking up with tools in hand.

"Yes," T'Challa confirmed. "My sister is prepared to do this for you now. Follow her to the chairs by the windows, she will do it there."

We followed and sat. Not much was said, as she was working very diligently on this. But, hey, I'm not complaining because she got that arm disconnected and cut off with no pain within an hour. It was weird to see it go, though, and watch as a little black nub took its place.

"The weird thing is," Bucky started. "I still feel like it's there. I feel like I wanna move it to grab something, but it's not actually there anymore. I only really experienced that once before... and that was in 1945 after I fell."

"That's... strange," I replied. "Well, good thing they're making you a new one for when you get out."

"Yea."

"Speaking of which," I continued. "Are you ready?"

"God, I hope so," he answered. I nodded. They, then, called us over and it was time to prep him for cryostasis.

"You've done this before?" a man asked Bucky.

"Yes, a few times, actually," he corrected.

"Good, that's less explaining from us, then," the man replied. "Sit, and please put this on," he motioned for Bucky to take the wife beater and to sit on the counter before him.

He pulled his black t-shirt off and handed it to me before putting on the shirt he was provided and sat where he was told.

The man started wrapping his other hand as a means of protecting it from the cold, as he stated.

"You sure about this?" I asked him just to be sure.

"I can't trust my own mind," he replied with a chuckle. "So, until they figure out how to get this stuff lout of my head I think going back under is the best thing. For everybody."

The man came back and led him off the table where he was sitting, directing him to the chamber. Bucky looked at me once more before they strapped him in and started raising the glass. I watched as they did this, but he never looked back. Instead, he closed his eyes as the air inside filled with fluorine and other non-toxic, non-flammable halocarbons- as it was later explained to me.

After it was done, I approached the windows and looked out into the world as I knew it without my best friend and the love of my life beside me all over again.

T'Challa walked up beside me. "Thank you for this," I said sincerely.

"Your friend and my father... they were both victims," he told me. "If I can help one of them find peace..." he waited.

"You know, if they find out he's here, they'll come for him," I added, looking over.

He met eyes with me before looking away again. "Let them try."

—————

And, after, I decided to stay for a few days to be sure everything was going smoothly.

Once I, hopefully, see that everything is well... who knows. I might even stay. I might go home, too, unless I feel it's too much of a threat to be so close to Stark Tower.

Or, maybe they'll find a cure soon enough that I can just wait for them to wake him up again and we can start our new lives together somewhere totally remote and nowhere near any other location we'd visited this summer.

All I can do now is hope for the best.

~ S.R.