Steve's Diary

March 17, 2015

Dear Diary,

It's been fun living up here with everyone- I don't even ever really have to leave because all my friends and all the people I really know are here.

Plus, it's super spacious. There's the gym that I practically live in, the kitchen and living room for us all the hang out in, and even my room for... I don't know, writing in my diary, I guess.

—————

I can't sleep.

Maybe it's the fact that I tried to go to sleep earlier tonight. Maybe it's the silence. Maybe it's that I miss him. Maybe it's because I'm trying to sleep somewhere that isn't truly home.

I have no idea.

I got up from my cold, empty bed and stood there for a while in the utter silence until I finally approached the window. Jarvis de-blackened the glass so that I could see out and realize that it was still the dead of night. I couldn't see the stars, no, we were in the heart of the city. It was simply too bright nowadays, I suppose, but I could always pretend I could see them like we did way back when.

After a few minutes, I walked away and watched the room grow dark again as he re-tinted the windows. I didn't wanna sleep anymore, though. I couldn't.

So, I walked out of the room and into the communal kitchen. Some of the small lights flickered on, such as the little ones beneath the counters and the one above the sink.

I leaned against the counter for a moment and just looked around. The space was so large and empty and quiet that it made me feel as though I had never been this utterly alone.

Looking over at the microwave, I noted that the time had been 2:19am. It wasn't too late to try and sleep again, but perhaps it was for the best that I stayed up tonight. Maybe what I needed right now was to clear my head of... some unknown something.

It was then that I heard quiet footsteps. Someone had heard me? No, impossible. The rooms were soundproofed, weren't they?

Natasha rounded the corner and held my gaze. She sent me a smile and headed in my direction, leaning past me for a moment to simply place her white mug into the sink to leave for cleaning tomorrow. She then walked to the garbage and placed the remaining teabag into it.

"Can't sleep?" she asked, sounding obviously as though she had yet to sleep tonight and sitting on the island counter in front of me.

I smiled and shook my head. "I'm afraid not."

"Got something on your mind?" she asked after a moment.

I waited. "I guess so. I just don't know what that something is."

"Hmm," she hummed, agreeing that she probably couldn't help me. "Is it that girl of yours?"

I shot her a confused look. It took me a moment to remember the fact that I'd sort of told her about Bucky, but played it off as if he was a girl.

"Oh, uh... maybe?" It sounded more like a question. I guess I really didn't know, huh?

She chuckled. "You're funny sometimes, Rogers." She paused. "C'mere."

I didn't move.

I wasn't sure if I should. I wasn't sure if it was because I didn't want to or if I simply thought I shouldn't want to but, really, did... either way, I ended up approaching her.

I stood between her knees and she scooted closer to me, wrapping her arms around my neck. I found my hands at her ass, pulling her closer, somehow, instinctually.

"You need to relax," she whispered.

"How the Hell do you expect me t-"

She interrupted my sentence by briefly placing her lips on mine.

I pulled away.

Again, it felt like a matter of should or shouldn't within my own head. Was it that I truly didn't want to or that I thought I shouldn't want to? Why, God, is it the latter?

Before she had the chance to argue with me, I kissed her again and she went on with it. We seemed to fit together nicely, but I couldn't help but feel him looming within me like the ghost of my past that he truly remained.

After a few, short-lived moments, we both pulled back and simply looked at one another without saying a word.

I stepped away.

She focused on me before hopping down from the counter and walking away from me, towards her room, without looking back.

I leaned against the counter a minute longer, wondering if I should go back to my cold bed or wait for her to see if she planned to come back. At 2:36, when it appeared as though she hadn't, I walked back to my door and opened it slowly, half expecting her to be there, even after I knew she most certainly wouldn't be.

Sitting at the edge of my bed for a while, I thought about- nothing, or so it seemed. Perhaps nothing meant things I wished never to truly mention to anyone else- things I would have told to Bucky and only Bucky.

Thoughts like the fact that I feel almost out of place here. Like I don't know if, even after all this time, it's okay to still miss him this wholeheartedly. To love him so irrevocably.

—————

Eventually, after all those thoughts faded and my sight started blurring, my mind gave way to sleep.

Even if it was a fitful one.

~ S. Rogers