Steve's Diary

December 5, 1935

Dear Diary,

Now that Mom's forgiven Bucky, we've been together almost everyday, and today has been just another one to add to the books.

I know I've been weird with how I feel about him, but it's days like these that I completely forget about my worries and enjoy what's going on around me for once.

Today, it's the first snowfall of the season, and worrying is not on the agenda.

—————

"I'm gonna catch you eventually!" He yelled, chasing after me.

"That's what you think!" I replied, trying to maintain both my speed and my lung capacity at the same time. I knew he'd get the better of me eventually... I mean, uh in the race... not in anything else, er, specifically...

He finally caught up and tackled me into the ground. I grunted as he knocked the wind out of me and landed on top of me, both of us laughing.

The cold snow practically melted through my jacket and seeped into my back. I shivered at the sudden sensation, but overall payed no mind to it. My lips chattered and he looked down at them as he shifted his position to be more comfortable on top of me, pushing me a little deeper into the now packed down snow.

He licked his lips and looked back up at my eyes, the smile falling from his face, then he looked at my lips again. I heard his breath hitch as he inched a little closer. It sounded like he was struggling, almost, to hold back. He swallowed audibly and let his lips part... I couldn't seem to look away, nor could I muster the courage to tell him to get off me... not like that's even something I actually wanted.

Here's the thing. There's so much that he does that I love, that I want more of, but I simply can't have. I want more kisses and eyes full of lust and touching... but I can't find a way to say it. So I push it away.

It's easier that way.

I felt he and I both getting hard through our jeans, so I quickly turned the situation around. I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him aside and got up, taking some snow and throwing it at him. Then he grabbed some of his own and threw it right back.

It was an all out war now.

He got up and balled up some snow and threw it with full force straight at me. It broke on my shoulder and threw me back a few inches. "I see how it is, Buck," I added. He smirked and looked at me from under his eyelashes as he stood and slowly backed up.

He took off running so I ran after him, taking a snowball of my own with me. I finally threw it and it hit him in the back of his head. He stopped in his tracks and I stopped a foot behind him.

He spun around and glared right at me. It was a sort of joking anger, but I couldn't seem to tell when he was joking with anything anymore. "You little!" He ran at me and tackled me to the ground again and pinned my hands down. Then he took his hand and undid my belt buckle as well as the button and zipper on my pants. I looked up at him with fear and a very odd or almost... It was just a queer curiosity that overtook me as to what he might do.

Out of nowhere he took some snow in his bare hand and stuck it in my pants and made sure it was really in there. "BUCKYYYY!" I forced him off of me and stood up and tried to shake it out as he stood there laughing hysterically at me.

After it was all out, I sat down and redid my pants. "That ain't funny Buck," I said when I saw he was still laughing.

"Mmmm it kinda is," he smiled and continued laughing. I then joined him and laughed too.

"Okay, okay. Maybe a little bit," I stood.

He walked closer and pulled me into a hug. He smelled of wood. Outdoorsy. Like a freshly lit campfire mixed with a sort of minty cologne. The prickly stubble on his cheeks tickled my face when he shifted. It was just... it was bizarre, in a way, to experience being so close to him out in the open. It was liberating. As we parted he wouldn't let me get too far from him. He kept me close... particularly to his face. "Kiss me," he said.

"What?"

"Kiss me, Steve."

"Bucky, we're at the park... in public. There are people here... we can't."

"We can. We can do whatever we want."

"Bucky..."

"Oh come on Steve. Live a little... Kiss me."

"Bucky... no. I can't- I can't do this. Not here."

"But-"

"Please understand."

"Ughhh fineeee. Be that way. You'll warm up to me eventually," he moved closer to my ear and whispered, "trust me. I always get I want..."

—————

Then he walked away.

After that we went home, each of us to our own. It wasn't awkward after that, but it was a little intense.

Why? Because I knew he was right. I knew I would succumb to his titillating whispers and soft touches eventually. I already am, I think, I just can't seem to accept it.

~ Steven Grant Rogers