Steve's Diary

November 1, 1943

Dear Diary,

It's my first show on an actual army base uh, and I don't actually know what base it is. No one would tell me anything other than the fact that we're in Italy and about five miles from the war front.

Not only that, but it didn't actually go the way I would have wanted it to.

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"How many of you are ready to help me sock ol' Adolf on the jaw?" I said into the microphone.

Not a word from a single army man. God, I felt like such a dumbass. "Okay," I continued. "I need a volunteer."

"I already volunteered! How d'you think I got here?" A man shouted from the crowd, followed by other men laughing at me.

"Bring back the girls!" another man yelled, everyone else chiming in.

I looked around in confusion, wondering if they'd come out again. I guess I just wasn't good enough. "I think they only know the one song, but, um, lemme- I'll see what I can do," I replied into the microphone.

"You do that, sweetheart!" A third man commented from the crowd. Well, what the hell was that supposed to be a crack on? The costume?

"Nice boots, Tinkerbell!" Yea, thanks.

"Come on, guys, we're all on the same team here," I said, trying to get them to settle down, and wondering whether or not that was the right way to word that phrase seeing as I'm... well.

"Hey, Captain! Sign this!" A man stood up and pulled his pants down and mooned me from the crowd. I looked away and took a breath in. Is this really my job right now? I looked back and his ass was still out and up in the air, so I looked away again, not wanting to be the fairy the guy who shouted Tinkerbell pegged me to be.

Then, out of nowhere, I was being pelted with tomatoes. Holy crap, where did they even get the tomatoes from? I blocked them with my shield and walked off stage as they cheered for the girls to come back out, which they did.

I feel like a freak.

Backstage, the stage manager told me, "don't worry, pal. They'll warm up to you. Don't worry."

Like Hell they'll warm up to me. Sheesh, they were ruthless.

I changed into my street clothes and sat on the edge of the structure, waiting for the girls to finish the show and be on their way out. I decided to pull out my diary, too, to pass the time by starting a drawing. I know, risky up here with all these army guys calling me a girl.

I thought the best fit thing to draw was how I was feeling, which, at the moment happened to be a circus freak.

I was just finishing up the little ape in my costume on a unicycle as the rain continued pouring down when I heard a familiar voice.

"Hello, Steve," she said. It was Peggy.

"Hi," I replied, shocked that she was here of all places.

"Hi."

"What're you doin' here?" I asked her.

"Officially, I'm not here at all," she told me in her fancy little British accent. "That was quite a performance."

"Yea, uh, I had to improvise a little bit," I admitted. "The crowds I'm used to are usually a little more... uh... twelve."

"I understand you're 'America's New Hope'," she said.

"Bond sales take a ten percent bumpkin every state I visit," I recalled from what a man had told me a few months earlier.

"Is that Senator Brandt I hear?" She called me out.

"At least he's got me doing this," I fired back at her for not talking Stark into letting me join the military. "Philips woulda had me stuck in a lab."

"And these are your only two options? Lab rat or a dancing monkey?" She paused. "You were meant for more than this, you know."

I sat there and thought about what she'd said. Yea, I know I was meant for more than this... Hell, Bucky knew it too. So did Mom. And where are they now? God, I knew I was meant for more than this, too.

"What?" she asked regarding the curious look about me.

I wanted to turn to her and say 'let me tell you what I wish I'd known when I was young and dreamed of glory'. I wanted her to know how I was raised, about all the effort my mother put in to take care of me and give me the best life she could even when it seemed impossible... I wanted to tell her about what Bucky had ignited within me; of what he'd taught me and explored with me but how I wished for more than that when I knew damn well I'd beg fine as I was. I just had to go out and ask for more, didn't I? Look where that's landed me.

All alone.

"You know, for the longest time, I dreamed about coming overseas and being on the front lines, serving my country," I mustered up. "I finally got everything I wanted... and I'm wearing tights."

I heard a car horn honk in the background and men yelling to one another. I looked behind me and it was an ambulance- an emergency vehicle. A few men carried out another on a stretcher... a man who had both legs amputated.

"They look like they've been through Hell," I said to Peggy.

"These men more than most," she conceded. "Schmidt sent out a force to Azzano. Two hundred men went up against him, and less than fifty returned. Your audience contained what was left of the 107th. The rest were killed or captured."

I felt my stomach churn and my heart jump in my chest. "The 107th?" I asked, just to be sure I had hear her right... just to be sure that I heard her say that Bucky wasn't in that crowd because he had been captured or worse.

"What?" She asked innocently.

I stood and started walking to the big tent. "Come on!" at her as she lagged behind.

"Steve, wait!" she called for me. I stopped in my tracks as she caught up to me. "Where are you going?"

"To see Colonel Philips. I- I have to talk to him... my... James Barnes, my best friend from back home. He's in the 107th. I didn't see him and I have to know if he's alright, I just have to," I told her, leaving out one small detail or two about Bucky's and my relationship.

"Steve, I have to leave now. Im almost certain that the colonel won't speak with you if I'm not here. I'm so sorry, but I have important business to attend to; remember, as I told you earlier, I'm officially not here. However, I'll be back November 23. You must wait for me to return, Steve, please."

I looked at her like there was niching more I wanted to do than disobey her and run to the colonel anyway... but I knew she was right. I knew I should probably wait for her to accompany me if I wanted any results on the matter. "Fine, hurry back. Be safe."

She smiled at me and was off.

—————

If only she knew, then maybe she would have stayed. Maybe then, I could've helped her understand the severity and utmost importance of this matter.

The matter of whether or not I got to see my Bucky again.

~ S. R.