Steve's Diary

November 7, 1944

Dear Diary,

Ok, so, things around London are really staring to get real.

Like, sure, I expected this to happen eventually. I expected everything to be on the line eventually but now that it's actually here I;'m scared shitless and I think I'm the only person everyone expects to be calm, cool and collected about all of this.

I think talking to Bucky about all of this, though, should help. At least I hope it does...

—————

We were just sitting at our hotel ago, the one we'd been assigned to months ago by Peggy and them, listening to the radio. There was nothing good on, but what else was expected on a Tuesday evening at dinner time?

I was laying on the bed on my stomach, drawing, and he was just sort of in the chair doing nothing.

"Buck?" I asked, breaking the unbearable barrier that the music had made in the air between us.

"Mmm?" He returned, making me look and see that he had, in fact, been reading the paper this whole while.

"You know, Colonel Philips talked to me the other day about the rest of this war... he told me far more than you'll ever read in tat damned paper you got there."

He looked up at me and placed the paper down on the desk behind him. "Wise ass," he said jokingly, getting up and laying next to me, placing a kiss on my lips before allowing me to continue.

"I don't know," I continued. "I just have a bad feeling about all of this."

"How do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, the Colonel told me that he and Peggy saw the war coming to its boiling point soon. I- I just don't even know if I'm ready for all that just yet. I don't even know what that entails for me- for us... I-"

"Steve, Steve, Steve- you need to calm down. It's all going to be alright. I know it is, okay?"

"No, I'm sure you're right, I'm sure. I'm just having a hard time even believing myself right now, seeing as the Red Skull has nearly attained everything he needs."

"You know we'll stop him before he does, don't you?"

"Yea, Buck, I'm just afraid that I'm gonna have to be the man to do all that. I don't even know what the Hell that would even mean! God, I just don't want to kill anyone, I don't think I'm ready for or okay with that. It's all too much for me to handle right now."

"Ste-"

"Sure, I can shoot people when it comes to invasions and recapturing camps and punch people but straight up kill someone until I'm sure they're not breathing? Make sure they're unable to move ever again like it's nothing? That's what he's going to ask me to do, I just know he is... I just wish I knew what I was signing up for before Erskine injected me with that blue luminescent goo."

"Steve. Seriously, you need to not worry about this. You always find your own way about things, alright? I'm sure this time is no different. There's always a loophole when it comes to things like this; if anyone's gonna find it, I'm sure it'll be you."

"I'm sure you're right, Bucky. Problem is, though, what if there is no way out this time?"

—————

Hell, with bomb threats all over the country from unknown sources and and being lost and people being killed and captured for no known reason, Colonel Philips told me they're beginning to worry that there may not be any feasible way to stop this madman.

Sure, I hope there is, but I just don't want it to be straight up me.

I just got happy, I don't know how much more unhappy I can take with all of this looming in the apparently near future.

I'm gonna have to run through Hellfire, aren't I?

~ Steve R.