Steve's Diary

April 10,1937

Dear Diary,

I really fucked it up this time, didn't I?

I'm sitting at the table this morning just waiting for Bucky and having my breakfast when it all comes back to me.

God, it seems like a thousand years ago... I fought my way through bullies in this place all alone, became friends with Bucky, realized I loved him. I know I said I wouldn't say anything, but... I was really hoping he might tell me that he loves me too.

I guess that isn't the case.

—————

We were just sitting on my bed like any other day... nothing was out of the ordinary, besides the obvious elephant in the room. We weren't saying anything to one another, yet the eye contact never ceased to be be maintained.

It was just flat out awkward.

He breathed out heavily. "Steve..." he started.

"Mmhm?" I responded, trying to keep my cool.

"Do, uh... do you remember what happened that night we got drunk for my birthday?" he asked.

Of course I do. "No... not exactly. I mean, yea, some of it... just not everything," I paused. "Why?" I finally added.

"Well... I mean, if you don't remember then I don't see any point in bringing it up."

"Buck, you can still talk to me about it. Maybe I'll remember after you say it, who knows," I pointed out.

"Okay........ uh, at one point you mentioned how you had no idea why you hadn't seen it before... how you hadn't realized that this feeling you have around and for me is love... Steve. You told me that you love me and I wasn't sure how much you really meant that...?"

Fuck me man, no way. I felt an unbearable heat tear through the skin on my cheeks and ears and chest and turn red. I was blushing like nothing I had ever experienced before and it didn't seem like it would be going away anytime soon. "Oh... yea, I do actually remember that. I thought maybe you had forgotten seeing how you hadn't mentioned it for like, a month," I reminded him.

"Yea... I just wasn't sure how well you'd take my mentioning it while you're, uh, sober."

I chuckled, "maybe that was a good call," I said, calling myself out for blushing so intensely.

"But in all seriousness, Steve..." he began again. "Did you mean it?"

I thought about that for a second. Did I mean it? Definitely. Is it worth telling him? Well, he already knows. So, should I just fess up? Yea, I think so.

"Yea, Bucky, I did."

Silence.

"Buck?"

"Yea?"

"Everything okay?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I don't know."

"What about... us?" I brought up.

"What about us?"

"Us. There's always going to be today but what about tomorrow? What about the future? What does all of this mean to you?"

"Stev-"

"Don't. What are you thinking? What immediately runs through your mind when I tell you that I love you?"

"Fear," he whispered, looking away and clamping his eyes shut as if trying to shut everything out.

"What?" I said in disbelief.

"No... Steve that's not what I m-"

"I know exactly what you meant," I spat back at him.

"Steve! No, you don't understand! It's illegal... all of this... us. We could get into some serious trouble if anyone so much as suspected it," he told me.

"I know," I replied calmly. "I know. But I can't change how I feel, Buck. What do I do about that?"

"I honestly don't know if there's anything you can do," he mumbled solemnly.

I waited. "Well can't we just keep on as we are then?" I finally asked.

"I... maybe. Well, no, actually. It just doesn't seem feasible to make it work... its pretty damn near impossible at this point, Steve."

"What're you saying?"

"I'm saying that there's a war going on. Both of us are of age and... I've been thinking for a while now that I should join the US Military," he mentioned.

"Yea me too... I don't think I'll get in though, but you should go for it, Buck. I think it'd be good for you."

"Thanks, I just... I think we're gonna have to, you know, move on from one another eventually."

"What?" I choked out.

"It's better to do this now so we don't get too... attached. I don't want to hurt you, Steve, but we're gonna have to marry our own dames at some point and it's easier to be upset now than it is to be upset later in life... don't you agree?"

I said nothing. I felt my face go red from anger, my stomach flutter in fear and my eyes fill with water in sadness. I could not believe what I was hearing.

I feel like my whole world is crumbling before my very eyes and all I can do is sit back and watch.

"No! I don't agree... not even in the slightest... I don't want to move on from you Buck, you don-"

"Don't say I don't understand, Steve. Don't you dare say it because you know damn well that I know exactly what you're going through!"

"No, Bucky, you don't. Sure, you were here with me through all of it... you told me you'd be here until the end of it too but in reality? You still have Rebecca and your dad. I have no one in this world to live for but you. Not one single person."

"I'm sorry... I just... I-" he began to apologize, though it was worth nothing to me. He stood up and looked away from my tear stained face as if it pained him to see me like that. He began to walk away from me. Am I going to let him do this?

"Buck, wait." He turned his head to the side to show his attention without looking directly at me. "If you love me... no. If you feel anything at all for me, even care for me just the slightest bit... you won't go. You won't leave me all alone."

"Steve... it's because I care about you that I can't do that. I'm sorry."

—————

And with that he was gone.

He had left me crying all alone. This isn't really mean a lot to him, then. Well, maybe he'll be back; I should keep my hopes up.

No. I think that, for some reason, he really meant it.

~ Steve R.