Steve's Diary

May 29, 1944

Dear Diary,

Colonel Phillips has directed me and my men to re-overtake a section of our land (or at least what used to be our land) from Hydra.

Apparently, in the recent few months, Johann Schmidt has been overstepping his boundaries and it's, somehow, solely my job to stop him. Each and every day he's getting closer and closer to attaining this previously seemingly unattainable power, and he needs to be shut down.

So, The Howling Commandos are off on our mission to, not only get back the land that is rightfully ours, but also attain as much information from their camp that will have been left behind by (or that we can take from) Hydra...

—————

Punching your way through a camp full of men wielding some sort of blue glowing super weapon ain't easy, I can attest to that much. At least this time I wasn't alone in my endeavors.

We made our way through, Bucky and the men and I, punching and shooting our path across the camp, searching for anything that might help the U.S. war effort. The Red Skull was nowhere to be seen, though this didn't come as much of a surprise as we didn't exactly expect him to be here in the middle of nowhere.

Bucky and I came across a makeshift building at the edge of the captured territory that looked like it might have been a headquarters of some sort. My initial reaction was to head in, as there had to have been something relevant about it if it was all alone in the middle of nothing and at the edge of everything else that was important looking.

I looked over at him and he nodded at me to proceed, letting me know that everything else was as clear as it was going to get.

He stood in the doorway and kept an eye out for what might have been coming for us from the outside. I looked over at him every once in a while t see what, exactly, he was doing. Never once did I catch him off task like I was... I suppose he was the better fit of the two of us to be a soldier.

As I was rifling through the many, many stacks of papers and folders and documents within the boxes upon boxes mixed amongst shelves and desks and such, I seemed to fall upon the jackpot of the stash. I took a folder that had been labeled CONFIDENTIAL and headed back over to Bucky.

I presented what I had discovered to him and he half-way smiled at me. It was almost like he'd known what was in there, somehow, and didn't want anyone else to have to read it because, well, he'd already known... and he was enough, at least in his own head he was.

He motioned for me to follow him out, as the coast had been deemed clear. I followed along behind him, as I normally, blindly, did.

I shoved the confidential folder into my satchel and reached out for his left arm just before we reached the main section of the camp again. I motioned for him to follow me, though, he made a face at me like none other I'd ever seen. It was sort of like he was trying to tell me no, Steve, we have a mission and we have to follow orders with just his eyes. Normally, though, his eyes would have been enough to sway me in any direction, but they couldn't... no, not now.

I motioned at him again and he finally came along with me, even though he donned a sour puss.

"Steve!" he whisper-yelled at me, if that was even a thing. I looked over at him and the look on his face was a sort of what the Hell are we doing out here in the middle of the woods right now when we should be in there with the other guys winning over the rest of the camp like General Philips told us - if a look can even say that much.

"Buck, come on," I started in a whisper, taking hold of his hands and leading him over to me. "Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do, I just don't want any of us to get killed," he replied.

"We won't. The guys are fine out there, really," I told him. He rolled his eyes at me and my antics and I sent him a smile.

Before I even knew what I was doing, though, I had started at him. Just then, his back hit the tree behind him and I was looking at him like we weren't in the middle of a semi-serious battle.

From there, I just let my instincts take over, as I'm sure they know what's best for me... right?

In that instant, as I was looking down at him and as I stood there, pressing him up against that otherwise meaningless tree... something felt as if it had changed. Hell, it was like a new awakening within myself. Within that same self I thought I had known so well... like a breath of fresh air in my lungs after resurfacing from the water.

I looked at him with this fire that I had just uncovered from inside myself burning in my eyes and let it envelope my whole body. My lips crashed into his without a care in the world, daring someone to see me and say something... not like there was even anyone around to see or say something.

Between the constant pulling each other closer and thoughtless rough grasps at one another remained the small breathes and unintentional moans out into the space between us. It felt like a song, all of these noises and unrecognizable voices that had been strung out in a completely new way.

That warmth and softness and simply wet sensation was always a surprise to me, though, this was especially true today... as it was a new place and it was still a bit cold and damp outside amid the foggy spring air.

I pulled away from him after a few invigorating moments of perfect unified solitude, realizing that I had actually no idea how long we had been away from the rest of them for.

He looked up at me like that domination-hungry beast I had awakened in myself was something he was excited to learn more about and experiment with and, while he wanted with everything inside himself to do this so-called research now, he know how dire it was for us all to get out safely.

Just then, without merely a word, we were back on our way out.

—————

This feeling within me is... strange. It's like something I know I have to face eventually but don't want to because I know I'll like it far more than I ever want to. Well, not that I don't want to, it's just that I'm afraid of change. Of this change.

All of this feels like too much for me right now; I'm so overwhelmed it's as if it was all killing me.

I like to think that I'm just afraid of the unknown, as most people are anyway. Yet, the more I think about theism the more I realize the problem began with us both. I've always been too ~submissive~ for my own good, and Bucky too dominant. If only there had been a better division of those rolls, I wouldn't feel so conflicted and lost about this right now.

Or, perhaps, I only perceive this all as confusion, when in reality it's just an undeniable desire. Hell, maybe this is how it feels to deny a part of yourself for an unimaginably long period of time. Maybe I've always wanted to be the dominant one and, well, he never truly allowed it.

That's... interesting.

~ S. Rogers