Steve's Diary

June 12, 2014

Dear Diary,

I asked around and figured out where S.H.I.E.L.D. had Peggy Carter placed... as in, where her house was, but they told me she was put in a group home, like a shelter.

Even as an older woman, I didn't expect Peggy, of all people, to be placed somewhere like that, not for any reason. I mean, she was such a powerful young woman, why would they do that?

And, why would she agree to it?

—————

I made my way into the Nursing home and gave the clerk the 'code' I needed to see her. I suppose they had someone special taking care of her for some reason... perhaps she knows too much for someone else to have her under their care?

I walked into her room and sat down next to her bed. We started talking and catching up. She was telling me about her life after I was presumed dead.

"You should be proud of yourself, Peggy," I said, looking at all the pictures she had on her nightstand of her family all together.

"Mmm," she murmured, looking at the pictures, none of which featured her husband. Though I suppose he had to have been behind the camera. "I have lived a life," she replied, looking back at me. "My only regret is that you didn't get to live yours." I looked down, away from her. "What is it?"

"For as long as I can remember, I just wanted to do what was right," I answered, talking about all the plans we all had back then. " I guess I'm not quite sure what that is anymore."

Hell, we had a whole plan set out, all of us, to do what was right, didn't we? I mean, Peggy even proposed one night that we get married, she and I... that Bucky marries a dame too and that we live next to one another and share a simple life, the four of us... she said this would allow Bucky and I to be together even if we couldn't tell anyone but the four of us about it. That would have been the closest to the right thing I would have been able to do for myself back then. Now? I have no idea where to even begin.

"And... I thought I could throw myself back in and follow orders. Serve," I continued and looked at her with a smile. "It's just not the same."

She laughed. "You're always so dramatic... Look, you saved the world. We rather- mucked it up."

"You didn't," I contradicted her, trying to show her that she couldn't have posisbly done anything wrong. "Knowing that you helped found S.H.I.E.L.D. is half the reason I stay."

"Hey," she continued, taking my hand in hers and looking me right in my eyes. "The world has changed, and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best. And sometimes, the best that we can do, is start over-" she started coughing.

I stood and got her a glass of water and handed it to her. "Peggy."

She looked at me like it was the first time she'd seen me- like I had walked through the door all over again. "Steve," her eyes lit up.

"Yea?" I said, not realizing what was happening just yet.

"Y-you're alive. You came back," she began.

I smiled at her, seeing now what I hadn't before. "Yea, Peggy."

She appeared as if she may start crying upon the sight of me 'again'. "It's been so long," she continued. "So long."

I knew I had to play along. I couldn't leave her like this. "Well, I couldn't leave my best girl. Not when she owes me a dance," I answered with a smile.

After leaving the room, I left the facility. I couldn't handle seeing any more people losing what they'd worked their lives for... it felt like everything, too, especially to an outsider like me.

—————

I had no idea she- that she had Alzheimers.

I get it now. S.H.I.E.L.D. put her in a special home with a certified Agent taking care of her because she knows every possible secret there is, you know, as a founder of the organization itself, anyway.

It's so sad, I don't even know what to do with myself. She hasn't forgotten me, that's good, but she might, eventually. I suppose I'll just have to continue on visiting her and hope that never happens.

God, I wish Bucky was here to do this with me.

~ S. R.