Once Upon Online

chapter 44

I didn't get any sleep last night. I was creepily watching Ryujin sleep. I'm already sad and my heart is already aching just thinking about her leaving today. When am I going to see her again in person? I miss her already and she hasn't even left yet.

"Why are you watching me sleep?" She ask, startling me. I feel my face get hot since I just got caught.

"I'm just going to miss you. I feel so attached to you already. You're gonna go back to the states and forget about me" I say even though I know it's not true.

She chuckles, "How can I forget about you? Yeji Hwang is an unforgettable person. She's kind, beautiful, charismatic, sexy and has killer eyes."

I blush even more, "Stop it. How can you say those things so easily?"

"Because they're true?" She sits up and rest her back on the headboard.

"But how can you say it so easily? Like if I say you're beautiful or handsome, I get really shy. I'm not used to it. I didn't really say any of those things to my exes" I say embarrassingly.

I sit on her lap facing her and I place my hands on her shoulders.

"It's not my fault, you haven't dated anyone good looking" she jokes.

I smack her, "I'm serious. I don't want you to think I don't find you attractive because I don't say it to you like you do with me."

"Yeji, you don't have to change yourself for me. I love you for you. If that's not something you're comfortable with, I understand. I don't expect you to compliment me all the time. That's not how you are. It's how I am. Trust me, we don't need another me in this world" she chuckles.

I hug her resting my head on her shoulder, "What time is your flight?"

She starts kissing my neck and shoulders instead of answering. Her kisses make me feel like I'm melting. She puts her hands on my back pushing me closer against her. I pull my face away from her neck so I can look at her. I look at her lips and I bite my lower lip trying to control myself.

I end up losing and I crash my lips onto hers, grabbing the back of her neck to try to bring our lips closer together. Her hands are still on my back and I feel her lowering them to my butt. When I feel her squeeze my butt, I slap her hands away and I get off her.

I stand up backing away from the bed. I look at her and I see that she's hurt with what I did. "Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" She asks, worried.

"I'm sorry if I took it too far" she stands up and walks towards me. I back away again when she gets closer. When she sees what I did, she takes a step backwards.

"What's wrong?" She ask, keeping her distance from me.

"I'm sorry. I'm not ready for that kind of thing with a girl yet. I'm okay with kissing but when you touched my butt, I suddenly felt scared. I've never done it with a girl before and idea of it right now absolutely terrifies me" I admit to her.

"I'm sorry" I say to her.

"No. I'm sorry I should have known better" she says.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Yea. A little hurt but I'll be okay" she gives me a weak smile.

I suddenly feel myself panic inside. I didn't want to hurt her. What if she leaves me? What if she starts treating me like my exes did because she realizes I'm not this amazing person she thinks I am. What if she hurts me in return because I hurt her?

"I should go check on Eva" I say running out of my room without looking back. I know what I did is wrong but I'm afraid since I hurt her that she will say hurtful things to me to get even. I don't know if I can handle it coming from her.

I look for Eva and she's in the livingroom with my sister. Eva is playing with her toys so I sit next to my sister and release a loud sigh.

"What's wrong?" My sister ask.

"I think I want to end things with Ryujin" I blurt out.

"What? Why?" Karina turns to look at me.

"I'm scared. I'm scared she's gonna end up like one of them who will just hurt me in the end. Things feel too good to be true. What if this is just a show for her? My exes was on their best behavior too at the beginning then showed their true colors once they felt like I can't go anywhere without them."

"Yeji, you know what you're doing right? You're pushing her away. You're afraid to be happy because it will hurt more if things don't work out. You're sabotaging yourself so you don't get your hopes up. What if it's not a show? What if she truly does care about you? You have to stop comparing her to your exes. She's different from them. She's showed you nothing but respect" my sister argues.

"Because she's around my family. What happens when it's just the two of us? What if she becomes abusive and hurts me, or what if she hurts Eva" I start choking up.

"Do you really think that?" Karina ask.

"I don't know what I think anymore. I'm so confused. Why am I so scared?"

"Did something happen between you two that's making you freak out like this?" She ask.

"We were kissing and when she grabbed my butt, I panicked. What if I can't satisfy her and she leaves me? What if I'm not good enough? What if I don't meet her needs? What if she compares me to her ex in bed? I have no experience with women Karina!" I finally cry out.

"So you want to end things with her because you're making assumptions that you won't be good enough in bed for her? You haven't even tried it so how do you know? You're gonna ignore your connection because of the shit your exes put you through?" My sister says sounding mad.

"Ryujin has been so patient with you. Tries her best to understand you. She's been there for you. Do you even love her like you say you do?" My sister scoffs.

"I do love her! Do you think its easy for me? Do you think I don't know that she's been nothing but amazing to me? But that doesn't stop my fear, Karina. It doesn't stop making me feel scared that one day she will wake up and say I'm not good enough like everyone else did! I'm like this because I love her so damn much that if things don't work out, I would feel like I'd die!"

Eva starts crying and my mom walks in from the kitchen. "What is going on here?" She ask while picking up Eva.

"Your daughter here wants to end things with Ryujin because she's scared of getting hurt" Karina tells my mom.

"Yeji, can we talk?" All three of us look at where the voice comes from and my heart drops when I see Ryujin standing there with pain in her eyes.