30-Something Reality

Letting Go...

The next day flew by and the next thing I knew Jeanette was helping me up the stairs into Tomo's bus. He and Vickie had piled into Jared and Shannon's bus so that Jeanette and I could travel together. Neither one of the guys had said much to anyone as everyone was already loaded up on their own buses. Before we left Jared stopped by to say hi...

"I just wanted to drop this off for you before we left..." He handed Jeanette a cd.

"What is it?" I asked...

"The cd of when you and I worked on that song a while back. I made a recording of it... I know I should have told you... But you were killing it and I mixed it and I had the guys lay down some stuff to go with it... I wanted you to hear it." Jared stepped up and sat next to me half way on the bench sofa I was sitting on. "How are you feeling?" I wanted to curl up in his arms.

"I'll give you two a minute..." I hear Jeanette get up and step off the bus. 

Those blue eyes, I could get lost in them no matter what was going on. Jared had become a part of me I didn't understand. I felt like I could let myself go with him in a way that I couldn't with Shannon. He was a smart ass just as much as I was... But when it came to serious things, he was all there! No playing games.... That is why I felt drawn to him so much since everything had happened.

"I had asked her to do that if you came by..." I smiled at him a bit... I looked down and bit my bottom lip. When I looked back up at him he was right in my face. He kissed me with a fire I had felt for so long but couldn't explain to him. I felt safe, warm, desired for more than just what I could do for him... Like he wanted to see into my mind. I pulled into him close as we kissed. Something was there alright... "Jared...." I tried to breathe... His hands and arms wrapped around me and pulled me close to his body in the tightest embrace he could with out hurting me. 

"I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you..." I hear him whisper as he holds me... His hair was down and I had my fingers laced through the long waves in that hung well bellow the middle of his back now. "Are you okay? Do you want me to go?"

"No...Stay for a few minutes, we're not leaving just yet right?"

He pulled back so that he could look me in the eyes... "No matter what happens when we leave here... I don't regret what has happened between you and me. If he weren't my brother I would just take you to some foreign city and hold up with you till he just went away. But he's Shannon and he won't just go away... I can't keep my brother from his child. Even if you do stay with me. HE is this baby's father. Nothing we choose between us will change that. So either way you are going to have to face him again." He took a deep breath as I knew he was right. He just held my face in his hands... "I'll be there with you and for you how ever this works out." He kissed me again, deeper this time... His fingers running up through my hair.

I wanted him, but I was still really weak. Something told me he would be as gentle as possible with me, but I had already gotten an idea of his size when things would get a little carried away with us before... He would be too much for me to handle especially after almost loosing the baby... I feel Jared pull away reluctantly and kissed me with one last teasing kiss... "This can't happen right now, it could hurt you beyond repair.... Physically.... " he looked me dead in the eyes.... "And mentally. This can't happen like this. Not now... When we get to L.A.... if I'm still what you want... and you and Shannon haven't HONESTLY tried to work things out...." His lips crashed into mine again... "I'm in... " He growled in my ear before he pulled back again... "But you have to talk to him... and TRY to let go... let him..." He rolled his eyes... "I can't believe I'm saying this... Let my brother try to show you that YOU are his world... not the girls on the tour. IF you two don't work things out, when we get to L.A., I'm taking you and you are mine... No more chances... You are moving in with me.. and we will see where this goes with us.. Okay?... Deal?"

I felt like someone had smacked me in the face.... There was no way out... I had to talk to him... He was right.... But at least I knew how Jared felt... He didn't put it to be something it wasn't... He didn't use that blasted 4 letter word.... The one that got me in this mess in the first place... Jared understood me. I could handle that.... "You'll still be here if I need you?"

He looked me in the eyes, I could see it all now, in his eyes... everything his mother said to me the night before... it started to make sense... "Always...."

"Deal..." I kissed him again.... Just before I heard LoLa barking at the doors of the bus... "I guess it's time to go..."

With that Jared left and we all hit the road for the next stop on the tour.