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《Maria》The Last Metzlian

Reviewer : marshaa1306

"The Last Metzlian" Story by Unloveable_Night

Okay, this review is astonishingly late and I don't even have the words to convey my apologies. Perhaps you've even forgotten that you submitted a request for your book to be reviewed at all. Either way, I've completed the review (finally), so let's go through the points:

Title/Cover - 9/10
Alright, so first impressions of this book are great. The title has a nice fantastical vibe and the name "Metzlian" immediately alerts the reader that they are about to enter a different world.
I like the feel of your cover and the colors go nicely with the whole theme. The one change I would suggest is making the "Forbidden Disaster" part of it bigger so it is more easily read.

Blurb - 7/10
The blurb incorporates a lot of good elements but the way it is presented is poorly done. The amount of information you give is good and the words used suggest intrigue but it needs to be rewritten so it's more easily read. This includes fixing grammar mistakes (which there are quite a few) and wording some of the sentences differently. Remember, you're trying to grab attention with your blurb so edit your blurb with this in mind (if you choose to do so). If you want a more in-depth explanation and more suggestions, don't be afraid to PM me!

First few chapters/Exposition - 8/10
The beginning parts of your story are okay. You've done a decent job of introducing the world and the basic situation, although I'd love more description of the setting. In your prologue, I'd advise removing the bit that talks about the government and the mardukin/metzlian relationship. Your readers will be able to figure those things out by reading the story itself. Instead, focus on the woman with the wings and why she is protecting the metzlian. That will give a better background on what is to come in the main story.

Plot - 18/20
The storyline itself is not bad at all. It has an interesting gist, where the main character is the last of her kind and doesn't know it. However, I would love it if your plot had more levels and complexity. Also, to make your story more exciting (if that is something you would like to do), you might want to envision your story like a line. Right now, the line is straight and unchanging. Try imagining the line of your story as having blips, dips, and curves. These imperfections in your line will make your story more engaging and will keep your readers on their toes.

Pace - 7/10
I'd give your pacing an A for effort but a C- for execution. I can tell you're trying to vary the pace of your story but it's not quite there yet. To help with your pacing, try varying your vocabulary.

Grammar, Punctuation, Syntax & Diction - 2/10
Something that I noticed right away is that you use periods at the end of your dialogue which is a pretty big no-no.

Incorrect: "I'm gonna protect you." said the tall woman.
Correct: "I'm gonna protect you," said the tall woman.

It's a pretty miniscule change, but it makes a difference.
There are also a lot of errors in your subject-verb agreement. For example, if your sentence reads "They are the people who has a big difference" it should read "They are the people who have a big difference" since "people" is a collective noun and indicates more than one person. Something that helps with this is to read your writing out loud to yourself after you finish writing a chapter. Your ears will readily hone in on those verbs that sound off.
Then there are the more typical grammar mistakes such as run-on sentences, missing punctuation, and incorrect capitalization which your writing is abundant with. Honestly, it was a rare treat to find even one sentence that did not have anything wrong with it. Having this many grammatical errors in your writing makes the story extremely difficult to read. Even if the actual story is great, bad grammar can turn a reader off to your story. I highly recommend you request the help of an editor.

Characters - 12/15
Tsukia: She obviously does not know anything about her Metzlian heritage and I'm wondering what will happen with that. I can't get much of a read on her, though, because I don't get to see many of her emotions. Make sure to let the readers into her head more often so they can get to know her better.
The mysterious, fireballing human: I have no idea what to think of this guy other than that his ability to shoot fireballs is kind of cool. Now, I don't know if he is going to be of any importance, but his character seems totally random. I hope that you explain more of his backstory and such later in the story.

Overall Enjoyment - 9/15
Honestly, this story was not very enjoyable to read, largely because of its grammar. When I had to try to guess the meaning of almost every sentence because the way it was written wasn't clear, it wasn't appealing. That being said, the general storyline you've presented is decent. With some work, this story could be good. It has the potential. You simply need to make it happen.

Total Score: 72/100