365 {cake/discontinued}

130 {this december}

HEY GUYS I'M SORRY FOR BEING DEAD LATELY

I have a lot of shit on my plate tbh I fuckin hate school

this one's inspired by the Ricky Montgomery song This December and it's wonderful give it a listen
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I'm not sure how long you've been gone at this point.

Lately I've numbed to the pain. Pushing it down to the bottom of the trenches inside my heart, and never letting it see the light of day.

It's better this way, I can breathe and live and stop crying this way.

Missing you is all I ever do, but it can't be that way when I have things that need to be done.

But last night...

I jerk awake when I hear my phone go off. My ringtone is one of your songs, typical.

I groan, and answer it. "Hello?"

"Hi babe."

"Cal? It's late here. Can you call back later?"

"Sorry Luke, I didn't mean to bother you, but-"

"Normally it wouldn't be a bother, but I need to get my kids in prep for exams and-"

"I was just sad."

I immediately shut my mouth. "Cal...is everything okay?"

"Not really," You chuckle sadly into the phone. "This is really dumb, sorry."

"No it's not," I frown. "Why were you sad baby?"

"Let's just say today wasn't the best. I fucked up during rehearsals and Ashton got mad at me for something dumb so I got pissed and sulked for a bit."

"What else?" I ask, arms around your pillow, kind of cuddling it in a way.

"I almost had a panic attack today..."

I gasp. "Oh Calum, baby, no...I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

"It's not your fault Luke. It's mine. I shouldn't have left you, I should've never left your arms. I could've stayed right in that bed with you and never let you go."

"Cal, this is so not your fault. You're on tour! It's all you ever wanted. It's my fault I'm not there, trust me. It isn't your fault, okay?"

"All I ever wanted was you, Luke. You're all I've ever wanted."

I held my breathe, just feeling my heart hammering away in my chest. "Shit, Cal. You're all I've ever wanted too."

"I miss you so much, and it hurts so bad. Every time I even stop to allow myself to think about you, it just feels like I'm being punched," You cry into the phone. It's very rare for me to hear you cry. It makes my heart ache.

"I know, I know. It's so lonely in this house, everything's cold without you here, Calum," I admit.

"It's not the same without you, Lukey, I need you."

"I need you too, but we have to be strong, babe. I still love you, no matter the miles between us."

"More like continents. Fuck, I can't do it Luke," You sob.

"Hey, listen to me. You're Calum Hood, you're my everything. You can do this okay? You are so so strong. Just because I'm not there physically doesn't mean I'm never with you. I love you, I love you."

"I keep trying Luke, but I can't I...how do you do it? How do you cope with being so alone?"

I feel myself tearing up. Dammit. "Truth is, I haven't done much coping. But I think about good memories about us, the moments where I just felt so in love it filled every crevice of my being. It makes me remember that you will come home, and we'll make even more memories like that."

"Shit, you're so cute." I smile at your words. "I love you so much."

"I do too. That's why you have to try Cal, you need to be okay and strong for me and you. I'm alright when you're alright. We have to survive this year no matter how lonely, okay?"

"Okay. For you and me, Lukey. You and me. You better get some sleep."

"Are you sure? I could stay up and talk-"

"No, you need to sleep baby. We can talk tomorrow. I love you always, thank you for listening to me when I needed you."

"I love you with all my heart, Calum, of course I'll always be there for you. You know where to find me if it gets bad again."

"Yeah. Good night Luke, I love you," You whisper into the phone.

"I love you too," I whisper back, a dumb grin on my face.

"I hope you have a nice dream tonight," You say, and I can almost picture your cute smile on your cute face.

"I hope it's about you kissing me."

"Of course you do," You chuckle. "Talk to you later, love you."

"Bye, Cal," I say softly before the line goes dead.

The conversation left me thinking about so much. Like if I made the right decision to stay, and what if I made things worse by not going on tour with you.

But I just want you to be okay, ultimately. You mean the world to me, no matter what.

I just want us both to be okay.
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BLEHCKEJCHX this sucks lmao sorry

aight imma go see yall later