dempeo/merder oneshots

i cant breathe without you

TW-(suicide?)

"Just- take the kids please.. just for a little bit. I need to be alone" I open the door to alex. "Are you sure? You dont want me to stay here?" He asks. "I need to be alone.. Please" I say. "Okay" he says. He goes into the kids room, getting them. I hand him a bag full of their things. "Mommy?" Zola looks up at me. I kneel down infront of her. "You're just going with uncle alex for a little while okay zola?" I stroke her cheek with my thumb. "Are you coming?" She asks. "No honey I'm going to stay here. Mommy needs a little alone time. Is that okay?" I ask. "I dont want to leave you by yourself" zola says. "I'm okay baby I promise.. I just- I'm sad and i dont want you to see me sad" i say. "Because of daddy?" She asks. I nod. I try not to let my emotions get the better of me. If I say anything, im going to break down. "Do you miss him?" She says. "So much" I whisper. "Me too" she says "it'll be okay mommy.. daddy was in my dream last night" she says. "Yeah? What did he say?" I smile, wiping a tear that rolled down my cheek. "That he misses me and bailey and you and that hes sorry that he left us" she says. "Did he say anything else?" I twirl her pigtail around my finger. "That hes still here with us.. even if we don't see him" she says. I feel myself tear up but smile. "I love you zozo" I say. "love you too mommy" she hugs me. I hug her back tightly. I pull away, looking at her. "You gonna be okay with uncle alex?" I ask. "Will jo be there too?" Zola looks up at alex. He nods. "Good!" She says enthusiastically. I smile. "Bye zo I'll see you tomorrow okay?" I say. "Bye" she smiles. I stand up. I smile at alex. He smiles back, taking the kids to his car. I watch as he puts everything into his car, helping the kids get in. He drives away. I go back inside.

As soon as I shut the door I start sobbing uncontrollably. I put my hand on my chest, walking back and leaning against the door. My breathing gets heavy. I'm having a panick attack. I slide down the door, tears streaming down my cheeks as I try to calm myself down. "Mer" I hear his voice infront of me. I look up at him. He crouches down infront of me. I'm still bawling my eyes out. "Shh baby its okay" he puts his hand on my face, stroking my cheek with his thumb. "Derek" I cry "I can't- I don't- I can't do this. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I can't breathe. I was wrong. I thought I could live without you but I can't. I can't do this without you. I can't live without you. I can't- oh I can't breathe without you here" I cry between deep breaths. I look at him through my tear filled eyes. I know hes not real. Hes not here. But I cant let go of him yet. "I am here baby.." he runs his fingers through my hair. "Its too painful derek.." I sob. My chest rises and falls as I wince in pain as my heart squeezes in my chest. "I need you" more tears roll down my cheeks. "I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry honey" he sits next to me. He entwines out fingers. I rest my head on his shoulder. "I miss you so much derek I can't do this" I breathe. "I'm right here baby.. I'm here" he whispers. He kisses me on the head. I start breathing normally again, tears still running down my cheeks.

"I can't" I stand up. "I can't do this" I walk into the kitchen. He stands in the corner of the room. I go into the drawers. "Meredith what are you doing?" He asks. "I need the pain to go away" I grab a knife out of the drawer. "Baby put the knife down" he says. I hold the knife to my wrist. I look up at him. I avoid eye contact with him. I push the knife into my skin, making me bleed a little. I look into his eyes. A gigantic wave of pain runs through my body. Not because of the knife, but because of the look in his eyes. I drop the knife onto the counter, falling to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably. He rushes over to me, pulling me into his arms. I lean my back against the counter, hiding my face in my hands, crying into them.

"Mer?" The front door opens. I don't move. "Mer- meredith" cristina walks into the kitchen. She immediately rushes over to me. She kneels infront of me. She wraps her arms around me, pulling me into her embrace. I wrap my arms loosely around her neck, sobbing into her shoulder. "Cristina it hurts so much" I cry. She pulls away slightly. She puts her hand on my head, stroking my hair. I wrap my arms around her waist, pushing my head into her chest. "I miss him so much" I sob. "I know" she whispers. "I cant believe hes gone.. he's actually gone.." I pull away, looking at her. "Hey" she puts her hands on my cheeks "you're going to survive this meredith" she says. "I dont think I am.. I can't breathe.. without him" tears are still streaming down my cheeks. "Mer you can survive this.. if you want to. Do you want to survive this?" She says. She puts her hands on my shoulders. "I have to.. for the kids" I say. "Then you're going to survive.. you're a survivor" she says. "I'm a survivor" I say, remembering what derek said to me when he proposed years ago. "He wouldn't want me to be like this.. he'd want me to be strong.. for the kids" I say. "He would" she nods. "I do" he says. I look up. Hes stood at the other side of the room. "Come on" she stands up. She holds out her hand. I take it, standing up. "You should get some rest" she says. "Okay" I whisper. "You want me to stay?" She asks. I shake my head. "You should go. Alex has the kids. I need some time alone" I whisper. "Okay" she hugs me. "Thanks cris. Bye" i say. "Bye" she walks away. I hear the front door close. I take a deep breath. I look around the room. Hes gone again. I walk to our room.. my room. I go into the drawers. I get out his favourite shirt. I pull off my clothes, putting on his shirt. I get in bed, under the covers, on his side.

I lay on my back, looking up at the ceiling. "Derek?" I whisper. "Hi mer" he whispers. I turn around and he's laid next to me. I smile slightly. He puts his hand on my heart. "I'm going to be okay?" I whisper. "You're going to be okay" he whispers. "Eventually" I say. "Eventually" he says. "Are you going to leave? I cant lose you entirely. I need you.. even if it's just like this" I turn my body so I'm facing him. "I'm always going to be here baby" he says. He kisses me softly. He moves closer to me, wrapping his arms around me. I snuggle my face into his chest. "I love you so much derek" I whisper. "I love you too mer" he whispers. I fall asleep.

WRITERS NOTE:
This is A mix between the movie 'ps I love you' (which Jeffery dean Morgan is literally in) and what happened with izzie and denny, minus the cancer.

I WAS LITERALLY SOBBING WHILST WRITING THIS

1323 words