TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM, SUICIDE ATTEMPT
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You stood in front of the mirror in your bathroom, daring yourself to look up. You were scared of what you might see. Your knuckles were turning white from how hard you were gripping the counter. You tried to to even out your ragged breathing, worried you might pass out before you could look up. After several minutes of being unsuccessful, you managed to gather up enough courage to slowly let your eyes trail upwards.
What you saw made you cringe. In your reflection you saw only failure. Did everyone else see the same when they look at you? They must, because no one ever tried to convince you otherwise. You used to try and think you were worthy of anything, but it was a pointless battle.
Your eyes were void of emotion, only displaying exhaustion. Any feeling had long been torn away by people who never once considered that their words hurt. They picked apart your weaknesses, kicking you while you were already down. They wore cruel smiles as they realized that they had won.
You smiled for the last time this morning. You knew it was the last time because when you stopped, you felt drained of all energy. Weren't you supposed to feel better after smiling? That's what Demi said. It was like her mantra: “A smile makes everything better”.
That wasn't true though. Not even Demi's smile could make this better. Every single time you saw Demi smile at you, your heart would break even more. She should know better than to waste a smile on you. Smiles should be spent on things that make you happy.
You were positive that to Demi, you were just a burden. You didn't want her to be worried about you anymore. She needed to focus only on herself, because if something ever happened to her, millions of people would be crushed. If you were gone, who would care? Demi might shed a tear, but it would be out of relief.
“People always try to ruin what's beautiful.” That was something Demi always said when the hate first started. You believed her, but than you realized something. Nobody was trying to tear Demi down, and she's stunningly beautiful. No, you were the problem. Demi must have realized it too, because eventually she stopped saying it.
You didn't want to be a burden to Demi. You didn't want to be such a bother that people who had never met you truly hated you. You averted your gaze from the mirror to the shiny metal object you had set on the counter. You released your grip on the counter to pick it up with one hand. You ran your thumb over the sharp edge, admiring the blood that began leaking out of the small cut.
You had expected some kind of pain, but instead you felt nothing. This must be what it's like to feel numb. It never occurred to you that it was a real feeling, you always thought people were just exaggerated. But in this moment, you honestly felt nothing. Your own thoughts and their words served as the anesthesia for what you were about to do.
You flipped your arm so your wrist was accessible. Your skin was surprisingly free of any scars, as you had never done this before. Maybe you should have. It was too late now, you had resisted for long enough that you couldn't hold back anymore.
Without hesitation, you brought the blade down and made the first cut. Time seemed to stand still for a second before blood began to trickle out. The dark red rivulets intrigued you. They moved so slow, a huge contrast to your fiercely pounding heart. You made another cut, letting the blood from each wound stain the white counter top. It was just like you, staining something so beautiful. Without you, the stain on Demi's life would be gone.
It seemed as if your hand began to move by itself. Without realizing, you had created several more cuts, each deeper than the one before it. They weren't good enough, and you knew what needed to be done. You turned the blade in your hand so that it was pointing at you, pressing the tip right below your palm. It had just begun to pierce your skin when it was ripped away from you. “Stop!” You had been so caught up in what you were doing that Demi had come home and you didn't notice.
She grabbed a towel and wrapped it tightly around your arm, dropping to the ground and bringing you with her. You would have tried to get away from her, but you were completely out of energy. “Why did you do that?” she whispered. You looked up at her, surprised to see that she was crying. Why was she crying? You shook your head, not having the strength to explain anything.
You felt something wet on your cheek, at first thinking somehow Demi's tears had dripped onto you. They were your own tears. Demi saw them too, because she pulled you to be flush against her, forcing your head to rest on her chest. Unexpectedly, her heart was beating fast, almost as fast as yours. “I can't lose you. Not now, not ever. I love you, I'm in love with you. Why can't you believe me?”
You finally let the dam break. The tears that you had been forcing yourself to hold back were flowing freely, collecting on Demi's shirt. She hugged you close to her, humming a song that at first you didn't understand. She waited until you managed to control your tears before giving words to the soft melody. Her voice was quiet, and you slowed your breathing so you could hear every word she sang. She brought her hand under your chin and made you look into her eyes, hoping you would take in the lyrics. “Can I lay by your side, next to you, you. And make sure you're alright? I'll take care of you.” She didn't let you look away from her, waiting until you nodded to hold you close again. You knew it was more than just a nod. To her, that nod was a promise that you believed her.
