Tears blurred your vision as you asked the doctor to clarify what she had said. “W-what?” you choked, barely holding the tears back. “There doesn't appear to be a heartbeat” she repeated, giving you a sympathetic look. You shook your head, refusing to believe her words. “But everything was fine last time and I haven't felt any discomfort at all” you said, as if that would prove her wrong. “It happens in 15% of women.”
She kept talking about the options you had, but you only pretended to listen. Your attention was focused on the blurry image on the screen. “Can you at least tell me if...” You looked at the doctor and hoped that she would know what you were trying to say. “Boy” she confirmed after closely examining the screen. “Thanks.” It came out as barely above a whisper, so you weren't sure if she heard it.
She wiped off the cold gel on your stomach so you could pull your shirt back down. “If you'd like we can schedule the procedure now or you can call at your own convenience.” Just like that, the caring doctor was replaced by the woman who was just doing her job. “I'll just call later” you muttered, pulling your shirt back down and sitting up. You went into the bathroom to splash cold water on your face so it wouldn't be so obvious that you had been crying, but it was no use when the tears were still coming.
You almost stumbled when you opened the door and you were blinded by several flashes of bright lights. “What the fuck” you mumbled, trying to regain your composure. “Y/N, did you find out if it's a boy or a girl?” You wiped away at your tears when you realized that two paparazzi had somehow managed to track you down. You ignored them as you got into your car, but your hand froze just as you were about to put the key into the ignition.
What were you supposed to say to Demi? She had been so excited about today's appointment but she had to miss it for an out of town concert. She wouldn't be home until late at night, and you were positive that the first thing she would ask as she walked through the door would be whether it's a boy or girl.
You didn't know how long you were just sitting in the car until you were finally able to start it. Your hands were gripping the steering wheel with an intensity that turned your knuckles white. You were doing your best to hold onto your sanity, and the steering wheel somehow provided that grip that you needed. Without it, you would probably be pulled over on the side of the road, utterly breaking down.
The house felt empty when you walked in, reflecting how you felt. In a way you were glad that Demi wasn't here, but at the same time you wanted nothing more than for her to be by your side. Would she be mad at you for losing the baby that she had been so excited about? If she was then you wouldn't blame her, because it was your fault.
Your feet carried you to the empty room across from your bedroom. The same day you found out that you were pregnant Demi had designated it as the nursery. The walls were still white and it was void of any furniture, as you and Demi had agreed that decorating should be held off until the gender was confirmed.
You slid down against the wall and dropped your head into your hands, but you didn't close your eyes. If you did you would only picture what the room might've looked like in the future. It wasn't any help though, because through your tears you still envisioned what it would look like. The walls probably would've been painted blue, despite Demi's complaints about how typical it was. You were torturing yourself, planning something that would never be.
Checking your phone to see the time, you saw that Demi would be home soon. You made the snap decision to pretend to be sleeping, still not knowing how you would tell Demi. There wasn't a right way, there wasn't a guide on how to tell your wife that you had lost the baby you had both wanted so much.
You made the bedroom as dark as possible so Demi wouldn't be able to tell that you had been crying nonstop. Not even 20 minutes after getting in bed you heard the front door open and shut, indicating that Demi was home. Her cheerful voice called out for you, probably wondering why you weren't waiting by the door to tell her the news.
"Babe?" she tried again while walking up the stairs. You did your best to slow your breathing and relax your body so it would appear that you were sleeping. Her footsteps were muffled by the carpet, so when she placed a hand on the side of your face you almost flinched. The lack of light was an advantage for you, prohibiting her from seeing your tear stained face.
"Y/N" she whispered in an attempt to wake you up. Though you couldn't see her, you felt the excitement radiating from her. Your heart skipped a beat when she brushed her thumb against your cheek, fearing that she might have felt a tear. "I guess I can wait" she mumbled to herself, moving her hand and disappearing into the bathroom.
The bed dipped slightly as Demi got in. Her arm quickly found its way to rest over your stomach. It was a habit she had formed since the early days of the pregnancy, one that was now useless and bothersome to you. You shifted more onto your side and knocked her arm away with yours, hoping she would just see it as an unconscious movement.
Demi wasn't stupid though, quickly realizing that the nudge had been a bit too hard for you to do while sleeping. “Are you mad at me because I couldn't be there?” Her question caused a new thought to form in your mind. Yes, you were mad at her for not being there. You had to receive the awful news while you were alone, and now you had to be the one to tell her.
You rolled out of bed and walked to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind you. You dropped to the cold tile floor and tried to restrain yourself from letting out loud sobs. “Y/N, what's wrong?” she asked through the door, hearing your quiet sniffling. There was no way you could tell her.
“Go away Demi” you pleaded, but you knew she wouldn't. She twisted the handle but thankfully you had been smart enough to lock the door. “Please let me in.” You didn't respond, wanting her to just get the hint and leave.
“Is it the baby? Y/N, is the baby okay?” The panic was clear in her voice, and you couldn't avoid telling her any longer. You shook your head before remembering that she couldn't see you. “No” you whimpered, only to be met with silence from Demi. You had sort of expected that reaction, but it still hurt you to know that she had walked away.
It seemed as though an eternity had passed before she came back, this time using the key to unlock the door. She knelt down in front of you, hesitating before pulling you into her arms. “What happened?” she whispered, rubbing your back to try and offer you comfort. “I don't know.”
She was quiet after that, and you didn't know she was crying until you could feel her shaking against you. “I'm sorry” you said, ready to accept any and all blame. “It's not your fault,” she insisted, “and we can always try again.” You pushed her away from you after she said that, feeling scared at the very idea. “No, never again. I can't go through this a second time.” You could tell Demi wanted to disagree, but it wasn't up to her and she seemed to understand that. “I love you, okay? I still love you." You grabbed her by her shirt and pulled her back to you, kissing her roughly, desperate for her to prove she meant it. Her tears mixed with yours as she returned the kiss, because right now there would be no other comfort apart from each other.
