The room that had once been too noisy for your liking was no void of all sound. Most noticeably missing were the small cries that you had been so desperate to hear for the past nine months. You tightened your grip on Demi's hand only for her to jerk it away from you. She refused to make eye contact with you as she approached the nurse with her arms outstretched. You saw the doctor mouth “I'm sorry”, although you couldn't hear it. Maybe you didn't want to, somehow hoping that there wasn't anything for anyone to be sorry for.
Demi turned her back to you as soon as everyone left the room, not letting you see what she was doing. You kept your eyes on her until she turned around, quickly averting your gaze elsewhere. “Do you want to hold her?” Demi asked, and you could tell she had been crying by the tremble in her voice. You shook your head, your already messy hair falling to partially cover your face. “Please Y/N...just for a minute” she pleaded.
She gave up after you refused once again. The rest of the afternoon seemed to pass as a blur. Both of your families came in, offering what they must have thought were comforting words. You ignored all of the sympathetic looks they kept throwing in your direction. How could they feel sympathy when none of them had ever gone through this?
You didn't even notice that they had left until the doctor re-entered the room with a nurse by his side. You blocked out the questions you knew they were asking, leaving Demi to answer them by herself. Demi shifted uncomfortably and even though you didn't hear it, you knew what question they had just asked. You quickly covered your ears with your hands, not wanting to hear the name you had picked out so many months ago.
When the doctor placed a lingering touch on your back you deemed it safe to drop your hands. His mouth was moving but you still chose to ignore what he was saying. Of course, he didn't know that, so he eventually left the room as he assumed that you heard what he said.
Demi knew better. “We can go now, if you're ready.” You nodded, not wanting stay for even a second longer. You let her help you get dressed, even though she really wasn't of much assistance. Her hands were shaking and she was crying, so you could imagine that her vision was probably blurred. You wanted to yell at her to pull herself together, but you swallowed your words. You were the one that should be overly emotional not her. She wasn't the one who gave birth to a baby that you would never get to take home. No, that was you.
You kept your eyes glued to the floor as the nurse helped you out of the hospital. You didn't want to see all of the families who had gotten the precious baby that they had been expecting. It wasn't fair. When you got in the car you almost looked in the backseat but quickly stopped yourself. “I'll take it out” Demi reassured, but made no movement to do so. You desperately wished she would, not only for your sake but for hers. She was only torturing herself by leaving it, because it meant that everything she looked in the rear-view mirror she would inevitably see the unused car-seat that should have been holding your daughter.
You didn't wait for Demi to try and help you out of the car once you got home. Was it really home? It couldn't be, not according to the doormat that you had to step over. “The Lovato Family” it read in fancy lettering. You would have to get rid of it later, considering that the most anticipated member would never arrive.
Demi followed you into the living room, but she didn't join you on the couch. Even though you weren't looking at her, you could still feel her eyes on you. You knew she was wondering why you hadn't cried, talked, or shown any emotion at all. What she didn't understand was that you were devastatingly heartbroken, a feeling that you didn't know how to show. She eventually walked away wordlessly, but you didn't watch to see where she went. It's not like it mattered anyway.
It wasn't long until the sun no longer provided it comforting glow, leaving you sitting in the dark. You heard footsteps upstairs so you knew Demi was probably getting ready for bed. You got up to go join her, for no reason other than the couch didn't make a suitable sleeping area.
You didn't bother changing, just slipping in next to her. She reached for you hand but you moved it away, wanting her to feel the way you felt when she pulled her hand from yours in the hospital, when you had needed her most. You carefully flipped onto your side to face away from her, still somewhat sore. It would be much better if you had something to show for it, but you didn't.
Hours slipped by and you couldn't sleep. It's not like you were trying. All you could think about was the way things should be. You should be getting woken up by hungry crying, but instead there was nothing. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
You didn't realize you were shaking until Demi moved you to face her. “I d-didn't hold h-her. I didn't hold my b-baby” you sobbed into her chest. She nuzzled her face into your hair and you could feel her hot tears falling. She knew that there was nothing she could say, so she didn't say anything.
“It's my f-fault. I c-couldn't be a mo-mother and j-just hold her, s-so I don't deserve her.” Demi held you tighter as you cried harder, brushing her fingers through your hair. She knew you needed comforting, so she kept her voice stable. “Don't say that. If anyone deserves to be a mother it's you. It's not anybody's fault, so please don't blame yourself.”
The only reason that she was able to maintain herself was because she had been letting out her emotions all day, unlike you who had held everything in until now. Your tears weren't showing any signs of stopping, so Demi just let you cry. “It's going to be okay. It doesn't seem like it, but it will be one day.”
She wiped away her own tears before kissing yours away, hesitating for a moment before covering your lips with hers. You didn't kiss back, but she didn't expect you to anyway. “Just because she's not here with us doesn't mean we aren't parents” she mumbled against your lips. You wanted to believe everything she was saying, yet it didn't seem possible. She was wrong, but for now you would let her pretend that maybe one day things would get better.
