It had been 6 weeks since Demi had broken up with you. Or maybe it was more, lately everything just seemed like a blur to you. She had dumped you without giving any explanation, leading you to believe it was your fault. You just weren't good enough for her. How could you be, when everything about her was just so perfect and you were just...you?
You poked at the eggs on your plate with your fork. You had already choked down two bites, and you really didn't think you could stomach any more. You stood up with the plate in your hand and walked over to the garbage can, tilting the plate so the eggs would fall. You carelessly dropped the plate into your sink, turning around and making your way to your bathroom.
The ritual that you had done so many time before was coming back to you. As you dropped to your knees in front of the toilet you remembered how much it hurt afterward, but in the long run it would be worth it. You shoved two fingers into your mouth, trying to reach as far back as possible. You pulled your fingers out just in time to miss what little food you had consumed coming back up. You coughed violently, already feeling the burn in your throat. It was a feeling you welcomed, as though it was a sign that you had finally done something right.
After brushing your teeth, you made your way to your bed and crawled in. Since you had nothing else to do, every day was now a lazy day. Besides, it's not like you even felt like doing anything. You were staring blankly at the ceiling when your doorbell rang, followed by a loud knocking. There wasn't anyone that you were expecting, so you just ignored it. Whoever it was refused to stop though, so eventually you were forced to get out of bed and see who it was.
You pulled your sleeves down to cover the fairly recent cuts on your arms before you opened the door. You were surprised to see Demi standing there. “Can I come in?” Your automatic response would have been yes, but you caught yourself before you could say it. If you let her in that would only be an invitation for her to hurt you all over again, and you clearly still hadn't recovered from the break up.
“Now isn't really a good time.” She somehow didn't notice how raspy your voice sounded from vomiting. “Please Y/N, just let me in so we can talk” she pleaded. In your opinion, there was nothing to talk about. She had completely broken your heart and you hated her for it. “Fuck off Demi. You can't just show up here and expect me to want to talk.”
You started closing the door but she stopped it with her arm. “I messed up, okay? I thought that you deserved better than me but I just miss you so much. If you would just hear me out-” You shook your head, cutting her off. “You're right, I do deserve better than you. I guess that means I'm screwed because you were the best.”
You didn't give her a chance to say anything else, pushing her arm away from the door and quickly shut it. You wiped away the tears that had been threatening to fall. Even though you had essentially spent every day hoping Demi would talk to you, seeing her hurt so much more than you thought it would. Not only that, but you hated yourself even more for pushing her away.
Finding yourself back in your bathroom, your hands automatically picked up your razor, pressing it to your wrist. You didn't apply enough pressure to break skin, because something else had caught your attention. In your open medicine cabinet, you saw pill bottle.
You couldn't remember what it was for, so your curiosity got the best of you. You put down the blade and grabbed the bottle, quickly reading over the prescription. They were pain killers, and without thinking you popped off the cap and shook several into your open hand.
You ran your index finger over them as if they were a precious metal. A voice from the back of your mind suggested that you swallow them all. It's not like you had anything to live for anyway, not without Demi.
You filled up a cup with water from the sink, then settled into a comfortable position on the cold tile floor. Without so much as a second thought, you raised your hand to your mouth and tossed the pills into your mouth. You quickly chased them down with water, repeating the process until there were no more pills left. You shifted your position so your were lying down with your head on your arms. Closing your eyes, you ignored the continuous knocking on your door.
Just as you thought your breathing was becoming more shallow, you heard a loud crash. Your eyes snapped open just in time to see two paramedics rushing into the bathroom, Demi right behind them. “What did you take?” one of them asked, although his voice seemed distant to you. When you didn't respond, Demi mentioned the empty pill bottle on the floor. “Did you take all of them?”
Once again, you didn't give an answer. “We're going to take you to the hospital.” You found yourself being picked up and taken outside to the waiting ambulance. “Can I come with her?” Demi asked, but you struggled to find your voice before they could answer for you. “No” you mumbled, barely audible. The paramedics looked at Demi and shrugged, telling her she could just follow them.
At the hospital, a small cup filled with black liquid was pressed to your lips. You cringed at the gritty texture and slightly unpleasant taste. After being settled into a bed and getting talked to about the logistics of a suicide attempt, you were left alone, save for a nurse in the corner. “Someone has to make sure you don't try anything” she said with a small smile.
Hours seemed to pass before you noticed someone enter the room. It was Demi, and she had tears in her eyes. “Why didn't I notice that you were hurting yourself?” It was a rhetorical question, but you decided to answer her anyway.
“Because it's your fault.” She cringed at the harsh truth. “I never should've left you...” she whispered, gingerly resting her hand on your arm. At this point, you looked away from her. If you cried now it would only make you look more pathetic.
“But you did. You were the only good thing in my life, and you fucking left me.” The nurse was doing her best not to eavesdrop, but you really didn't care whether or not she did. “I want to help you with this, but I can't. You need to get real help.”
The thing is, you didn't want to get help. There wouldn't be any point. Demi saw you were conflicted, so she moved her hand down to grab yours. “If you won't do it for yourself, please do it for me. I still love you...I never stopped.”
You looked up at her crying face, trying to decide if she was telling the truth. She squeezed your hand tightly, almost hard enough to hurt. “Please” she pleaded again. You took a deep breath before answering, squeezing her hand back. “You'll never leave me again?” She smiled tearfully, raising your hand to her lips so she could kiss it. “Never, you need me and I need you.”
